Then again, your brain might have actually gotten bigger since you started reading this column. And not just because of the sheer quality of writing — which is always a possibility (keeping in mind the same symptoms may apply.)
Before we go on, I should, as a responsible journalist, take a moment and actually read the article. In the meantime, I’d suggest applying equal amounts of pressure to both sides of your head, just to be safe.
… OK. Sorry — false alarm.
After reading the article it has become clear the threat of spontaneous brain enlargement is actually very slim. In fact, the only documented case appeared in the National Inquirer, which reported that a young boy’s head spontaneously grew three times its normal size during the Arkansas State Spelling Bee. Amazingly, nine-year-old Reggie Sims survived the incident and now lives in Southern California, where his oversized head goes virtually unnoticed. But for those of us living outside the Los Angeles basin, spontaneous head swelling remains extremely rare. However, researchers say the human brain is getting larger, albeit very slowly, through a process of evolution. At first, larger brains sounded like a good idea since bigger brains means a smarter gene pool, hence leading us toward a Utopian society free of want and suffering.
Or at least free from telemarketers.
The down side is that our great-great-great grandchildren could end up looking like one of those bigheaded aliens from a 50s science fiction movie. True, this could happen anyway — possibly even in my own lifetime — if I don’t meticulously screen each one of my children’s potential spouses. However, assuming neither my sons nor daughters marries anyone whose head fits snugly into a standard tractor inner tube, there’s still the matter of future generations to worry about. The journal Science article I read doesn’t mention anything about other parts of the human anatomy growing in proportion along with our enormous brains — which, as I’m sure many woman would attest, would double the male IQ. Biologists tell us that any “improvement” in the human anatomy is the direct result of evolution’s attempt to meet the changing needs of mankind. For example: Our opposable thumbs. This uniquely human trait distinguishes us from other primates, most notably through our ability to use all three holes in a bowling ball.
Following that line of thought, larger brains is likely the result of our need as a species to absorb and process more information at a younger age. This was evident last night, when my four-year-old nephew whipped my behind in PlayStation 2 football.
He cannot read.
He cannot understand the tactical decision making required for offensive line formations.
He doesn’t even know how many yards are in a first down.
Yet he can complete a Hail Mary pass and run a bootleg while I — with my larger and ultimately superior opposable thumbs — push buttons and move toggles as my defensive line is left picking grass from its teeth. I can’t say for sure if this has any connection to the evolutionary process. But if his head gets any bigger, I swear:
He’s moving to California.
[This was an excerpt from Humor at the Speed of Life, now available in eBook as well as hard cover from Port Hole Publications, Amazon.com or Barnes & Noble.)
Ned's Blog 
Levity does the heart good! As soon as I read that reading your posts could enlarge my brain, I decided I hadn’t been reading it often enough.
Thanks, Meredith!
But don’t blame me if you get a headache… 😉
Oh wow, it took me this long to discover you now have an e-book available? Proof that my brain has NOT grown in size. Just picked up my copy. It’s nestled comfortably amid other e-books on my Kindle pushing and shoving their way forward to be read.
“Be patient, little ones,” I tell them, “be patient.” But I look very forward to getting to yours!
Haha! Thanks so much, Carrie! And the “little ones” thank you, too. I’ve actually done a really poor job of letting people know it’s out as an eBook. I should probably fix that. And our leaky bathroom faucet….and that squeaky step…and the broken outlet in the kitchen, and… 😉
I was hoping to find another good reason to drink beer: Brain too big for skull= drink beer to kill off brain cells. At least I got a good laugh.
You’re not the first person to tell me I’ve given them a reason to drink.
Reading this blog enlarged my colon.
Probably the only thing of yours that can become enlarged…
I’m a eunuch.
Well okay, but if this is true, you can just forget about childbirth entirely. We’ll simply have to find another way to reproduce. It’s bad enough when their heads swell as teenagers from the burden of knowing everything and having all the answers.
Yes, I have three teens at home who must order custom-sized hats to fit their swollen heads.
I don’t believe it is the size of his brain that beat you on the playstation but rather an age thing and your ability to still manage your fine motor skills quickly.
That may be so, but at least I can have candy for dinner if I want to.
gives us a good rationale for letting our bodies get huge them to support our giant melons. and lucky for you, he’s moving to cali.
One of the things I like most about you, Beth, is that your glass is always half full. Of wine…
😉
I have to let hubby read this…. He has an usually big head (literally and figuratively), so big that they had to custom made his ice hockey helmet when he was playing professionally 😀 he is obviously further down the evolution line than most if us….
Or further ahead? Either way, I won’t make any comments if he has a hockey stick.
Schooled by a four-year-old. Dang. Well, my son’s head was in the 95th percentile for his first two years of life, and now it’s in the small range. Kind of like when Betelgeuse’s head shrinks…
If PlayStation skills was crucial for survival I would have died a slow and painful death.
And the only thing I see when you refer to a big head is the red queen…
The red queen would also be a slow, painful death.
Strangely enough, Ned, parts of my body actually shrink when I read your work…
Hahaha! Probably not your hemorrhoids, right? 😉
Hahaha based on my in-depth analysis of a five-word headline in the New York Post. I crack up at every one of your posts I swear. Most notably through our ability to use all three holes in a bowling ball – stoppit. Love this post : )
Thanks, Molly! Seriously though, without opposable thumbs would there even BE bowling? If only… 😉
I don’t go bowling often, but when I do I often have trouble figuring out which finger goes where. It’s five fingers and only three holes…quite puzzling if you ask me. I bet there are chimpanzees quicker at figuring it out. So either I’m not the best thing ever to happen to evolution, or bowling is meant for chimpanzees, or so reasons my modestly sized brain;)
I never watch bowling, but I would definitely consider it if you were bowling against a chimp. And I would root for you, just so you know.
Thanks, Ned, I appreciate that. Given my bowling skills I could use all the support I can get, regardless of my opponent:S