When it comes to buying a gift for that special someone this holiday season, nothing says I love you like pepper spray. At least, that’s according to the Bureau of Shopping Statistics, which says that personal protection devices are big sellers during the holiday season.
This fact is supported by ex-NRA spokesman Charleton Heston, who once said, and I quote: “Get your paws off me you dirty, stinking ape!”
What this means, of course, is that I’ve had too much coffee, and therefore should be the last person in possession of any type of weapon. It also means that the threat of apes uniting to take over the world using pepper spray is very real — which makes Christmas the perfect time to arm your loved ones with a personal protection device capable of stopping your average primate.
If there are any English students reading this, that last paragraph was called a “segue,” which is a tool that writers often use when they:
a) Lose their point
b) Lose their mind
c) Stay up late watching Planet of the Apes.
Like most people, you’re probably asking yourself why you’re sitting here reading this when you should be out there SHOPPING. The reason is simple: I’m going to tell you about what is arguably the most exciting personal protection device since the pocket-sized poodle. I’m talking, of course, about the ultimate personal protection device, The SpudChunker.
Let me tantalize you with a testimonial from a man who readily admits that his wife was once very intimidated by his SpudChunker… but not anymore.
“Now, not only is she comfortable handling my SpudChunker, she even has her own!”
— Bill Spencer, Sidney, Neb.
What is this amazing device, you ask? (Or, more importantly, will I stop with the innuendo before I lose my job?)
Take a moment to visit www.spudgun.com, and you will discover the newest addition to the world’s personal protection arsenal: a high-velocity potato gun capable of sending a 2 inch “spud plug” 300 yards or better (depending on wind, trajectory, and whether you prefer curly or regular fries.)
You’ll be glad to know that these guns are available in 3-foot, 4-foot, double-barrel and even “tennis-ball-barrel” models, which could come in handy should you ever be attacked by Roger Federer.
When scanning the website, you’ll notice the phrase “for serious spudders only” repeated many times, often followed by an exclamation point. There is a very good reason for this:
[Editor: Please insert reason here]
With the holiday shopping season drawing to a close, I hope this information will be helpful to you.
And in the spirit of the holidays, remember that love sometimes means having to say you’re sorry — especially if you happen to get pepper spray on your loved one’s SpudChunker.
(Ned Hickson is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation. His first book, Humor at the Speed of Life, is available from Port Hole Publications, Amazon.com or Barnes & Noble.)
64 thoughts on “Still looking for the perfect gift? This probably won’t help”
Wouldn’t be the holiday season without a random act of Ned Hickson “kindness”, would it?
Well done, buddy.
(But you didn’t hear that from me.)
I saw that episode of House only a sort of week ago (this time thing is difficult, but basically if I can still remember it, it’s recent enough) and wanted to try one of those lethal thingies which shoots potatoes for fun. A friend did not approve, they still prefer the trebuchet (and have been planning to build one since… Time immemorial, to be precise.
I’m fairly certain though that this Xmas everyone wants a drone, perhaps a spudchucker enabled drone….? And then that same everyone who wants a drone will complain that all those other everyones who want one have one too and the skies are a gridlocked mess… so a spudchucker enabled drone sounds like a solution to clearing the skies (robot wars reaches for the skies, it’s just like Stars Wars, the original!).
I asked for nothing this Xmas… I’m looking forward to unwrapping my void (hope it isn’t blackhole enabled, that might be a bit of a bother).
Haha! I give my memory the same parameters in terms of what’s “recent” and what isn’t.
The thought of potato gun firefights is intriguing, and would probably start somewhere in Idaho. And I have to say, if they made a Death Star spudchucker I would totally get one.
So, get the pepper spray and potato shooter… all I need is a flamethrower and I can cook barbecue meat with mashed potatoes.
It sounds like I really need an invitation to your Christmas dinner.
You’re invited, but bring a katana or a machete. Those potatoes aren’t going to peel themselves.
A katana? There you go, X, showing off that extensive knowledge you have of weapons of dismemberment.
He only knows 10.
*Shapens machete on grider*
I prefer mace to pepper spray, but it’s probably just what I’m comfortable with.
By the way, “segue” is actually French for “it’s my blog and I’ll write whatever I damn well please.”
I think Ilean toward pepper spray because of my culinary background. Although a pepper grinder works well, too.
And I finally have a reason to like the French, now. Thanks, Samara.
And I’m at the gym on the elliptical trainer, which (partly) explains why I commented ” I p.”
I HEART Samara.
I thought I was the only who p’d at the gym 🙂
Just another reason I avoid the elliptical machine.
Even the spam bot thought it was “nice” that I p’d on the elliptical machine. So heart warming.
I am liking your insightful p’d and would like to know more about your nice topic…
How do these end up on our blog?
Seriously. If that was a person, and not a gravatar, I’d head over to that part of the page and throw him a beating. So annoying.
I really have no idea, although after that statement I’d be willing to find him for you.
I figued it was just some sort of texting shorthand for “If Charleton Heston approached me in a dark alley, I’d beat him with a sack of potatoes until he cried ‘APE!'”
Reblogged this on Ali Chhachhar.
Hey, I’d rather get a spud chunker than that fungus log from Williams Sonoma. Though now that I think about it, either one would probably come in handy in my dating life.
You definitely need to avoid any date that advances to the “fungus log” stage.
I prefer marshmallow shooters to spudchunkers. That’s just the Kansas girl in me. I visited Sydney, NE a few times came away with comments that will last a lifetime about my cornhusker friends. I’m still in awe of the fancy spudgun website 🙂
I’ve heard it’s really easy to choke on marshmallow shooters, so please be careful, Michelle.
OH HOLY H*%( ! I’m dying!
I’m on the help-line for my work computer and reading your comment at the same time.
Note to self: no multi-tasking when reading Ned…
That could be the first reference to multi-tasking that included my name.
Thank goodness you were here to help. Had I not been rolling on the floor laughing, I may have committed cyber assault to the poor woman helping me with my computer.
I ended up walking her through the technical steps and then took a picture of the transcript so I could laugh again later (or write about it!)
As always, “Safety Third” is my motto. What an awesome gift. Almost as good as the flame thrower!
Kevin, because I share your motto, I’m giving you this…
WOW! That explains why giving a toaster is so last year!
Um… then don’t bother opening the gift I sent….
Oh Ned, you shouldn’t have! Guess I better get my ass outside & tap some maple trees so I can send you some syrup!
What if I just get her some peppers, a juicer, and a squirt gun?
You could, but in the event of an attack her reaction time is going to be a lot slower.
I was not going to comment regarding the PudSpunker until I saw that squirt gun comment. I will however refrain from the PudChunky remarks.
As long as we avoid the PuckerSuck, we’ll be ok.
i consider a ‘personal protection device’ to be a condom. one that you could fit your spudchucker into perhaps.
Probably not mine.
(cough cough) *eye roll*
I come from a long line of spudchuckers. And how many woods would a spudchucker chucker if a spudchucker could chuck woods. I don’t know the answer to that one and I can’t say it, even when I am fried.
I da ho.
The only wood I’ve chucked is that time I made the mistake of playing golf and threw my club into the lake.
That’s not code for something else, is it?
Only if it included the term “shag bag.”
There is no way in hell I am telling my husband about the spudchucker, he would easily be running to the store to find one. As it stands he wants arrows for his bow. Now we live in the city, where shooting an arrow in the backyard is well frowned upon. I believe I may be up a creek.
It must be a Canadian thing. In America, people in the city can shoot off guns in their backyard and no one cares. Oddly enough, I think arrows are still frowned upon, though.
They’re so much fun. I want one!
I already sent you a bag of potatoes.
Via potato gun or mail?
Let’s just say you might be standing in a drop zone right now.
I’d better get my helmet on!
I have an acquaintance whose family is rich. He has some very non-typical passtimes. The family owns an island in the Thousand Islands part of the St. Lawrence River and they retire there during the summer. The very obscure part of this set of over 1,800 islands in the river is that the US/Canadian international border winds its way quite artistically between the islands, some of which are very close together. The family island is within potato cannon range of 2 or 3 American isalnds (depending on the wind) inhabited by vacationing Americans complete with boats, docks, boathouses, etc. So, my acquantaince and fellow Canadians get drunk and start firing the potato cannons across the international border at the American territory. There are serious jurisdictional issues here and hence, after many compliants, it became obvious that no enforcement body could touch them. So, the Americans armed themselves with even more powerful potato cannons and the battle was on. When the customs/immigration of either country would float by on their boats, there would be a short respite in the battle, giving time to freshen up drinks and resupply with beer and raw potatoes.
So, if you wish to join in the war, get yourself a little island in the Thousand islands and a good potato cannon. All help is appreciated. 😀 You have the perfect opportunity to get even with any Canadians/Americans who bug you.
HaHaHaHa! I love it! I would buy an island there just for that reason. Oh, and it would mean I’m super rich. Wouldn’t it be fun to make fake “war correspondent” reports from “The 1,000 Islands War” with head gear and hunkered down during potato barrages? 🙂
Lol, this is a funny blog, I will definitely be reading more!
Wait… does that mean you’ll be reading this blog more or just reading more in general?
Either way, thanks and happy holidays!
1st: Is that shopping stat real? Everybody be afraid of everything.
2nd: I used to have a spud gun. I wonder where it is? Do you have it?
That stat sounds about right. Everyone is on edge because of zombies. If there’s a breakout, I’m taking my family and your… I mean MY… spudgun to Idaho where there’s plenty of ammo.
I could take red wine and Ambien and go for a three minute spin on a Tilt-A-Whirl and be shoved in front of a computer and STILL design a better webpage than that spudgun site. Mercy.
Yeah, it’s not very user-friendly. Which is ironic considering how easy it is for a user to accidentally shoot themselves with a potato gun…
Got no real comment, so I’m just gonna make like a spud and peel outta here.
Thanks for the half-baked comment… 😉