Still looking for the perfect gift? This probably won’t help

image When it comes to buying a gift for that special someone this holiday season, nothing says I love you like pepper spray. At least, that’s according to the Bureau of Shopping Statistics, which says that personal protection devices are big sellers during the holiday season.

This fact is supported by ex-NRA spokesman Charleton Heston, who once said, and I quote: “Get your paws off me you dirty, stinking ape!”

What this means, of course, is that I’ve had too much coffee, and therefore should be the last person in possession of any type of weapon. It also means that the threat of apes uniting to take over the world using pepper spray is very real — which makes Christmas the perfect time to arm your loved ones with a personal protection device capable of stopping your average primate.

If there are any English students reading this, that last paragraph was called a “segue,” which is a tool that writers often use when they:

a) Lose their point
b) Lose their mind
c) Stay up late watching Planet of the Apes.

Like most people, you’re probably asking yourself why you’re sitting here reading this when you should be out there SHOPPING. The reason is simple: I’m going to tell you about what is arguably the most exciting personal protection device since the pocket-sized poodle. I’m talking, of course, about the ultimate personal protection device, The SpudChunker.

Let me tantalize you with a testimonial from a man who readily admits that his wife was once very intimidated by his SpudChunker… but not anymore.

“Now, not only is she comfortable handling my SpudChunker, she even has her own!”
— Bill Spencer, Sidney, Neb.

What is this amazing device, you ask? (Or, more importantly, will I stop with the innuendo before I lose my job?)

Take a moment to visit, and you will discover the newest addition to the world’s personal protection arsenal: a high-velocity potato gun capable of sending a 2 inch “spud plug” 300 yards or better (depending on wind, trajectory, and whether you prefer curly or regular fries.)

You’ll be glad to know that these guns are available in 3-foot, 4-foot, double-barrel and even “tennis-ball-barrel” models, which could come in handy should you ever be attacked by Roger Federer.

When scanning the website, you’ll notice the phrase “for serious spudders only” repeated many times, often followed by an exclamation point. There is a very good reason for this:

[Editor: Please insert reason here]

With the holiday shopping season drawing to a close, I hope this information will be helpful to you.

And in the spirit of the holidays, remember that love sometimes means having to say you’re sorry — especially if you happen to get pepper spray on your loved one’s SpudChunker.



(Ned Hickson is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation. His first book, Humor at the Speed of Life, is available from Port Hole Publications, or Barnes & Noble.)

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Ned's Blog

I was a journalist, humor columnist, writer and editor at Siuslaw News for 23 years. The next chapter in my own writer’s journey is helping other writers prepare their manuscript for the road ahead. I'm married to the perfect woman, have four great kids, and a tenuous grip on my sanity...

64 thoughts on “Still looking for the perfect gift? This probably won’t help”

  1. Funny 😀

    I saw that episode of House only a sort of week ago (this time thing is difficult, but basically if I can still remember it, it’s recent enough) and wanted to try one of those lethal thingies which shoots potatoes for fun. A friend did not approve, they still prefer the trebuchet (and have been planning to build one since… Time immemorial, to be precise.

    I’m fairly certain though that this Xmas everyone wants a drone, perhaps a spudchucker enabled drone….? And then that same everyone who wants a drone will complain that all those other everyones who want one have one too and the skies are a gridlocked mess… so a spudchucker enabled drone sounds like a solution to clearing the skies (robot wars reaches for the skies, it’s just like Stars Wars, the original!).

    I asked for nothing this Xmas… I’m looking forward to unwrapping my void (hope it isn’t blackhole enabled, that might be a bit of a bother).

    1. Haha! I give my memory the same parameters in terms of what’s “recent” and what isn’t.

      The thought of potato gun firefights is intriguing, and would probably start somewhere in Idaho. And I have to say, if they made a Death Star spudchucker I would totally get one.

  2. I prefer mace to pepper spray, but it’s probably just what I’m comfortable with.

    By the way, “segue” is actually French for “it’s my blog and I’ll write whatever I damn well please.”

    1. I think Ilean toward pepper spray because of my culinary background. Although a pepper grinder works well, too.

      And I finally have a reason to like the French, now. Thanks, Samara.

            1. How do these end up on our blog?
              Seriously. If that was a person, and not a gravatar, I’d head over to that part of the page and throw him a beating. So annoying.

    1. Oh.
      I figued it was just some sort of texting shorthand for “If Charleton Heston approached me in a dark alley, I’d beat him with a sack of potatoes until he cried ‘APE!'”

  3. Hey, I’d rather get a spud chunker than that fungus log from Williams Sonoma. Though now that I think about it, either one would probably come in handy in my dating life.

  4. I prefer marshmallow shooters to spudchunkers. That’s just the Kansas girl in me. I visited Sydney, NE a few times came away with comments that will last a lifetime about my cornhusker friends. I’m still in awe of the fancy spudgun website 🙂

          1. Thank goodness you were here to help. Had I not been rolling on the floor laughing, I may have committed cyber assault to the poor woman helping me with my computer.
            I ended up walking her through the technical steps and then took a picture of the transcript so I could laugh again later (or write about it!)

  5. I come from a long line of spudchuckers. And how many woods would a spudchucker chucker if a spudchucker could chuck woods. I don’t know the answer to that one and I can’t say it, even when I am fried.

    I da ho.

  6. There is no way in hell I am telling my husband about the spudchucker, he would easily be running to the store to find one. As it stands he wants arrows for his bow. Now we live in the city, where shooting an arrow in the backyard is well frowned upon. I believe I may be up a creek.

    1. It must be a Canadian thing. In America, people in the city can shoot off guns in their backyard and no one cares. Oddly enough, I think arrows are still frowned upon, though.

  7. I have an acquaintance whose family is rich. He has some very non-typical passtimes. The family owns an island in the Thousand Islands part of the St. Lawrence River and they retire there during the summer. The very obscure part of this set of over 1,800 islands in the river is that the US/Canadian international border winds its way quite artistically between the islands, some of which are very close together. The family island is within potato cannon range of 2 or 3 American isalnds (depending on the wind) inhabited by vacationing Americans complete with boats, docks, boathouses, etc. So, my acquantaince and fellow Canadians get drunk and start firing the potato cannons across the international border at the American territory. There are serious jurisdictional issues here and hence, after many compliants, it became obvious that no enforcement body could touch them. So, the Americans armed themselves with even more powerful potato cannons and the battle was on. When the customs/immigration of either country would float by on their boats, there would be a short respite in the battle, giving time to freshen up drinks and resupply with beer and raw potatoes.

    So, if you wish to join in the war, get yourself a little island in the Thousand islands and a good potato cannon. All help is appreciated. 😀 You have the perfect opportunity to get even with any Canadians/Americans who bug you.

    1. HaHaHaHa! I love it! I would buy an island there just for that reason. Oh, and it would mean I’m super rich. Wouldn’t it be fun to make fake “war correspondent” reports from “The 1,000 Islands War” with head gear and hunkered down during potato barrages? 🙂

    1. That stat sounds about right. Everyone is on edge because of zombies. If there’s a breakout, I’m taking my family and your… I mean MY… spudgun to Idaho where there’s plenty of ammo.

  8. I could take red wine and Ambien and go for a three minute spin on a Tilt-A-Whirl and be shoved in front of a computer and STILL design a better webpage than that spudgun site. Mercy.

No one is watching, I swear...

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