I know this is a little after the fact, but given that Valentine’s Day fell on a Saturday this year, I’m guessing that a lot of men are just beginning to realize they’re in serious trouble after coming home last night with nothing but a six-pac and an NBA game schedule. If you are one of these men, then there’s a good chance you are getting into Valentines’ Day mode right…
(Disclaimer: This blog is not responsible for any injuries, heart ailments or claims of memory loss occurring as a result of this information.)
Do not panic! As men, we will stick together and, through the power of the Internet, call upon the romantic wisdom of men from throughout the world and, hopefully, come up with at least ONE good idea.
Keep in mind that, at this point, we are well beyond the flowers and candy stage, and any attempt to utilize such devices will likely result in a mouthful of roses and vase stuffed with chocolate. No, my friends, we must think big. We must think outside the candy box. We must think of something other than Victoria’s Secret; and we must think of something quick.
You may be wondering how I can offer you this up-to-the-minute advice when, in fact, I wrote this late last night, while you were sleeping on the couch and trying to recall exactly when you installed a deadbolt on the bedroom door. The truth is, I can offer you this advice because I am a savvy columnist who anticipated the needs of his readers (and his wife) thanks to experience, planning and our children — each of whom was carrying a paper heart they’d made for Mom.
(Do not judge me: Given time and access to Crayolas, I would have made my own paper hearts.)
Because of this, I was left with enough time to establish a special chat room designed to gather helpful tips from some of the world’s most romantic men. What follows is a direct transcript taken from that 30-minute endeavor.
Me> Hello? Hello? Anybody?
I’m sad to say the only hit my chat room got came from someone called Luvmonkey, who wanted to chat about things that had absolutely nothing to do with monkeys. This left one final option, which was to race across the Internet, where I discovered some interesting Valentines traditions from other countries that — by comparison — could make even the most romantically challenged man appear to be…
Well — less of a love dunce, anyway.
First stop: France.
I started here because, as everyone knows, the French are the world’s greatest lovers, a fact that was confirmed by a random poll of more than 300,000 Frenchmen. According to tradition, it was customary for the French to hold a drawing involving young unmarried people, who would go into houses facing each other on the street. They would then call out from window to window, chanting: Vous aux tre mon ami, which, roughly translated, means: My bidet is clogged.
Following this tender courtship, the occupants from both houses would then emerge and, in a fit of uncontrollable passion, secretly confess the name of a good plumber.
I also tried Italy, which customarily had young people in Rome gather at a large, ornamental garden to hear music and poetry — after which they would stroll off in enamored pairs to look for broken sprinkler heads. This custom ended recently when it was discovered that the garden had no irrigation system, leaving Italians to ponder what its young people have been DOING all this time?
Okay, to summarize what we know so far: You’re in big trouble, and neither the French or Italians are going to help you. That leaves only one option.
Just make sure you put the Crayons back when you’re done.
WARNING! This has been a shameless excerpt from my book, Humor at the Speed of Life, which is a collection of my most popular columns over the years (as opposed to the kind I usually write) and is available in hardcopy or eBook version at Port Hole Publications, Amazon.com or Barnes & Noble. It makes a great gift! Or fly swatter! (Note: results may vary). Order yours from Port Hole Publications and let them know you’d like a signed copy. It can even be signed by someone else!
49 thoughts on “Men: If you forgot Valentine’s Day it’s not too late if you know a good plumber”
You’re hilarious in any language, Ned.
Thanks, Hook. But I have to admit, no one laughs at my pig Latin.
I think if there is a poor sap out there that forgot Valentine’s Day, he needs to just crawl into a corner, lick his wounds, beg for forgiveness and NEVER EVER forget anything ever again. Because it is too late buster…. 😉
Very true. And I have a feeling his wounds are the only things he’ll be licking for a while…
You got THAT right!!! HA HA!
“Honey, darling, mi amore . . . I am so sorry that this Valentine is late. I wanted it to be as perfect as our love. Notice how the sky matches the beauty of the cornflower blue shine of your eyes, the sun reflects the goldenrod hue of your flowing locks. Neither hot magenta nor purple pizazz comes even close to matching the passion that beats in my heart for you. Surely you must feel the warmth of emotion in the chocolate sampler that I painstakingly crafted using the ENTIRE brown section, (who else would care enough to draw a truffle in sepia . . . although admittedly it took a while to decide whether caramel is raw sienna or burnt sienna, I mean, really, what do you think? Honey . . . sweetheart? . . . ” Stupid deadbolt.
Hahahaha! For some reason, I picture this being said through a mouthful of chocolates
Funny how “deadbolt” is so similar to “deadbeat.”
It’s no coincidence, Mikels…
If I get my way, all guys will be off the hook. I’d like to start a new inclusive trend for Valentine’s Day where everyone celebrates. Share the Love, Ned!
l’ll start making T-shirts!
And hats! And buttons! Wait. Does anyone wear buttons anymore? We only have a year, but we can do it!
I’m thinking those rubber wrist bands instead of buttons now. My daughter has so many band-merch bracelets she could deflect a bullet with her forearms.
Oh yeah! We’ll definitely get a gross of them.
Two things – first, you were writing this last night (well you wrote it earlier, but still had to get it up on the blog, no pun intended) – why were you not spending all your time with your wife last night, were you in the dog house? Second, you neglected to mention the ever romantic Canadian, my husband, okay he was on time with his Valentine present, he promised to grout the bathroom for me this weekend (the bathroom has been under renovations for two years btw). As back-up I did get a card and box of chocolates.
No need to worry; I know where my priorities aree. I had the post pre-set to launch itself. Kind of like me on Valentine’s Day.
As you know, preparation is the grout of romance… 😉
No need to worry; I had the post pre-set to launch. Kind of like me and Valentine’s Day.
As you know, preparation is the grout of romance… 😉
Stop! Please! My stomach hurts from laughing so hard. I got a very sweet card with a love note inside. And he’s Italian, so there.
I should add: I’ve trained him well.
That goes without saying… 😉
Ha! I’m happy to be proven wrong in this case! Especially if he has ties to any Mafioso 😉
Ha! One question…Why is it always the men’s responsibility to romance. Don’t men like to be romanced on Valentines day as well?
I think I know a blog where you could ask this question 🙂
Ahaha! You do?
I have a guess.
I’m guessing a pretty educated guess at that..
I’ve always wondered that, too! And yes, men like to be romanced. Any day, actually 😉
So what do men like when it comes to romancing aside from the obvious end result..
I can’t speak for all men (I only know English and broken Spanish) but I can tell you anytime my wife stops what she’s doing — whether I’m picking her up for lunch or she’s just getting ready for work — and takes a moment to put her arms around me makes me melt. It says, “I’m making tine for a moment together because you’reee more important — now let’s have sex.”
Ok, that last part was me…
But you get the idea 😉
Duly noted! lol It’d be interesting to hear a blog post on men likes in the romance department.
Good luck now that 50 Shades is out…
I’ve heard a lot of bad about the movie but I haven’t seen it and I have no idea what it’s about. Signed clueless..
Probably just as well. I get the impression it’s “Magic Mike” for the BDSM group. I read through parts of the book and the pros were terrible. Although I did lkearn how to tie a slip knott…
Well then it was worth it if you can now tie a slip knott!
Thankfully, my husband is not in this category. His present to me last night was just right. Can’t wait for another “play date.”
“Play dates” start out good when we’re kids and just seem to get better as we get older, don’t they? 😉
I already read this in your book, my guiding light. I keep your book next to the Bible on my bed stand.
Wait, do you keep it under the tissues and hand cream?
Yeah, but I keep the Trojans inside your book.
Let me guess… the parenting section?
Not the food section.
To be clear – you should never have access to crayons – just sayin’
I would have written sooner, but my V-day, er, lasted through Monday 😉
Thanks for making me laugh on a snowy Tuesday!
A three-day Valentine weekend?!?
Wait, didn’t 50 Shades come out on Saturday?
Oh, you’re definitely forgiven…
HA! Believe me, our house has more romance than those entire three books combined!
I’m a believer! (Not a Belieber, btw…)
It’s a bidet?? Yikes! I thought that funny-looking thing was for washing zucchinis. 🙂
Remind me never to eat your vegetable lasgana…