As you might expect, since writing about Japan’s new line of wines made specifically for cats a couple of weeks ago, I have received dozens of emails from unhappy readers denouncing what they believe is blatant discrimination against members of the canine population. All of them feel wine for cats is a really bad idea that will only increase the air of superiority cats already have. Coincidentally, most of these emails arrived through my “Fetch” account.
Here are just a few examples:
If I hear Mittens talk about the ‘rich bouquet’ of her stupid wine one more time, I’m leaving something with rich bouquet in her cat dish.”
My sense of smell is 100 times greater than my owner’s. She doesn’t have to smell Mr. Whiskers’ horrible wine breath. Well, I DO! Then she gets MAD when I barf on the carpet.” — Fifi
Cats are dumb.” — Butch
They say for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, meaning that for every cat sipping a glass of wine there is a dog lapping up a special libation. And not just from the toilet. As it turns out, dogs have had Bowser Beer available to them since 2012, long before “Mr. Frisky” ever thought of getting stemware, comparing tannins or going out and spraying the town. In the same way cat wine is made specifically for a cat’s discriminating taste, the makers of Bowser Beer have created a flavor profile that compliments a dog’s natural pallet — meaning the only thing that isn’t in the brew is an actual shipping pallet.
Ok, so that’s not entirely accurate. It’s made mostly of
cat chicken broth and malt barley — flavors that dogs find intoxicating. Which is good because (and don’t tell dogs this) there’s no actual alcohol content in Bowser Beer. Not that it matters; as we all know, dogs are big hams who can easily be mistaken for being intoxicated anyway. Especially if there’s a treat involved. The same can be said for most men actually, which could explain why we are best friends. The truth is, I have been known to run circles in anticipation of bacon. I am not ashamed to admit this. Although tripping over our dog, who was running circles in the opposite direction, isn’t something I often bring up in conversation.
I’m sure just like me, many of you were unaware dogs had their own beer. I think it’s because, unlike cats, dogs generally don’t make a big deal out of things. Table scraps, dry kibble or sirloin steak, dogs are equally happy and appreciative. Give them their own beer and they take it in stride. Without fanfare. No frills. Pop the cap and enjoy.
Having their own wine meant involving a foreign country. Import fees. A press agent and translators. Removing the cork and letting it breathe first because, hey: We’re not animals for God’s sake.
In the end, the fact that dogs are beer drinkers and cats are wine drinkers illustrates a fundamental difference between them. For the most part, those who drink beer may have their preferences, but won’t let beer snobbery get in the way of having a cold one if it’s offered. Dogs are the same way; if it’s handed to them, they’ll consume it. Unless it’s vegetables. And who can blame them.
Cats, on the other hand, will purposely eat something they hate just so they can throw it up in your shoes.
As I’ve mentioned before, we have a cat and two dogs in our home. I can tell you we have no intention of introducing either cat wine OR dog beer into what is already a delicate balance of power between our pets similar to The Cold War — something that would escalate the moment we allowed our dogs to open a cold one.
Should that happen, I don’t even want to think of what the cat would leave in my shoes.
Especially if she’s had too much cat wine.
(Ned Hickson is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation. His first book, Humor at the Speed of Life, is available from Port Hole Publications, Amazon.com or Barnes & Noble.)
45 thoughts on “Cats may have their own wine but Bowser can crack open a brewsky”
As someone who has had both cats and dogs, I would love to get these products for them. The problem is that my entire $5/week entertainment budget goes for a bottle of Mad Dog for myself.
I always knew you were a woman of good taste and refinement.
Ha! I’m sure it’s also entertaining for your pets to watch you 😉
Well Ned, I have to disagree. My dog has never taken anything in stride. Calmly popping open a brewsky? Nope. The poor R would be having apoplexy. 🙂
Yikes, then I would definitely stay away from the Mad Dog 20/20…
My dogs kept trying to peer over my shoulder while reading this post. I think I managed to block the screen, but I’ll know soon. If they ask for a cold brewsky with dinner I’ll be back in touch, right after I check myself into the nearest psych ward.
Depending on their breed, they may be more specific and ask for a Heineken or Dos Equies. If that happens, definitely head to the psych ward. If you tell them “Ned sent me” you’ll get a discount.
They’re Rotties, so they’d probably enjoy Bowser Beer. I will remember to drop your name at the door. Ha!
I personally can’t understand buying specialty beverages for an animal that will happily drink for free out of a toilet. I could be wrong.
Just so I’m clear, are we talking about pets or college students?
Valid point. And all I can envision now are dogs doing keg stands.
I have had both cats and dogs and right now, have none… Which is liberating but a bit lonely at times! But if / when I get an animal again, I won’t be serving them beer!!
That’s probably for the best, Ann. That way they won’t have to attend Intoxicated Pets Anonymous, or as it’s more commonly known: IPA
I actually pictured you running in circles for bacon. It was funny.
If that’s what it takes…
To get bacon, I mean.
My dogs are lazy. Unless there is food involved, they won’t move from the couch.
Maybe they are sneaking beers without your knowledge…
I am 110% positive my husband would know if there was a beer missing. lol
actually, you could find the whole cat in your shoes if there is a cat party at your house one night.
Oops, I thought you were a slipper…
Now I know why you have so many pairs of shoes.
I’d be worried that if you opened a cold one for your dog, you’d drink it..
Only for his protection.
Riiigghhtt his protection..
Hahaha I don’t have a dog or cat so luckily I get all the wine and beer for my boyfriend and myself 😛
It sounds like paradise….
Depending on the kind of beer 😉
Cats are assholes. I would know since I have three of them…in a two bedroom apartment. Lord help me. Our youngest “child” is the most rambunctious and asshole-ish of the bunch. It seems that in his mind he’s still a kitten even though he’s 2.5 years old. *sigh*
It sounds like the “terrible twos” which, with cats, lasts about 10 years…
Reblogged this on Serendipity 13 and commented:
From time to time I promised a re blog of something I found to be of use or of great importance to my millions of readers. The following is such an article. Yes. it’s about a wine for cats! I thought it interesting plus Ned payed me Twenty bucks. Enjoy! Let me know how it turns out.
Thanks! The check’s in the male! Yes, I mean “male” because my cat ate it…
I heard your checks bounce Ned. It will be interesting to watch your cat for the next day or so. Enjoy!
That could explain why the cat is on the ceiling…
You just reminded me of that awful Lionel Ritchie song and now I am queasy.
“Cat Scatch Fever…?” 😉
You say you’re not bringing such cat/dog libations into your home , Ned, but have you considered where your animals are when you’re at work? They could very well be over at the neighboring dogs’ and cats’ imbibing out of your sight. You have to be so careful these days with whom your pets are associating -they can so easily bring home bad habits along with the fleas.
I suppose you’re right but I had hoped to build a certain level of trust — which I will watch for with my new security cam.
Ha! They have the new cameras now that you can monitor on your iphone in real time. There are even mobile ones that you can attach to the collar of your cat/dog and then watch on your computer or iPhone. The world’s your cherry.
OK, now I’m paranoid.
This isn’t truly related to the matter at hand, but your work always makes me want to start drinking, Ned.
So are you comparing me to Hemmingway?
My hubby & I went to dinner at his cousin’s last night. It was the first time he consumed an alcoholic beverage in 2015 & I don’t drink at all (we’re just too old & tired to walk across the room to the bar, ha!) – you could lay a bet on it any pet of ours would not be getting beer or wine in our household.
If I get reincarnated as a cat, look out…;)