Cats may have their own wine but Bowser can crack open a brewsky

image As you might expect, since writing about Japan’s new line of wines made specifically for cats a couple of weeks ago, I have received dozens of emails from unhappy readers denouncing what they believe is blatant discrimination against members of the canine population. All of them feel wine for cats is a really bad idea that will only increase the air of superiority cats already have. Coincidentally, most of these emails arrived through my “Fetch” account.

Here are just a few examples:

If I hear Mittens talk about the ‘rich bouquet’ of her stupid wine one more time, I’m leaving something with rich bouquet in her cat dish.”
— Buford

My sense of smell is 100 times greater than my owner’s. She doesn’t have to smell Mr. Whiskers’ horrible wine breath. Well, I DO! Then she gets MAD when I barf on the carpet.” — Fifi

Cats are dumb.” — Butch

They say for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, meaning that for every cat sipping a glass of wine there is a dog lapping up a special libation. And not just from the toilet. As it turns out, dogs have had Bowser Beer available to them since 2012, long before “Mr. Frisky” ever thought of getting stemware, comparing tannins or going out and spraying the town. In the same way cat wine is made specifically for a cat’s discriminating taste, the makers of Bowser Beer have created a flavor profile that compliments a dog’s natural pallet — meaning the only thing that isn’t in the brew is an actual shipping pallet.

Ok, so that’s not entirely accurate. It’s made mostly of cat chicken broth and malt barley — flavors that dogs find intoxicating. Which is good because (and don’t tell dogs this) there’s no actual alcohol content in Bowser Beer. Not that it matters; as we all know, dogs are big hams who can easily be mistaken for being intoxicated anyway. Especially if there’s a treat involved. The same can be said for most men actually, which could explain why we are best friends. The truth is, I have been known to run circles in anticipation of bacon. I am not ashamed to admit this. Although tripping over our dog, who was running circles in the opposite direction, isn’t something I often bring up in conversation.

I’m sure just like me, many of you were unaware dogs had their own beer. I think it’s because, unlike cats, dogs generally don’t make a big deal out of things. Table scraps, dry kibble or sirloin steak, dogs are equally happy and appreciative. Give them their own beer and they take it in stride. Without fanfare. No frills. Pop the cap and enjoy.

Not cats.

Having their own wine meant involving a foreign country. Import fees. A press agent and translators. Removing the cork and letting it breathe first because, hey: We’re not animals for God’s sake.

In the end, the fact that dogs are beer drinkers and cats are wine drinkers illustrates a fundamental difference between them. For the most part, those who drink beer may have their preferences, but won’t let beer snobbery get in the way of having a cold one if it’s offered. Dogs are the same way; if it’s handed to them, they’ll consume it. Unless it’s vegetables. And who can blame them.

Cats, on the other hand, will purposely eat something they hate just so they can throw it up in your shoes.

As I’ve mentioned before, we have a cat and two dogs in our home. I can tell you we have no intention of introducing either cat wine OR dog beer into what is already a delicate balance of power between our pets similar to The Cold War — something that would escalate the moment we allowed our dogs to open a cold one.

Should that happen, I don’t even want to think of what the cat would leave in my shoes.

Especially if she’s had too much cat wine.

_______________________________________________________________

image

(Ned Hickson is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation. His first book, Humor at the Speed of Life, is available from Port Hole Publications, Amazon.com or Barnes & Noble.)

Advertisements

45 thoughts on “Cats may have their own wine but Bowser can crack open a brewsky

  1. As someone who has had both cats and dogs, I would love to get these products for them. The problem is that my entire $5/week entertainment budget goes for a bottle of Mad Dog for myself.

  2. My dogs kept trying to peer over my shoulder while reading this post. I think I managed to block the screen, but I’ll know soon. If they ask for a cold brewsky with dinner I’ll be back in touch, right after I check myself into the nearest psych ward.

  3. Cats are assholes. I would know since I have three of them…in a two bedroom apartment. Lord help me. Our youngest “child” is the most rambunctious and asshole-ish of the bunch. It seems that in his mind he’s still a kitten even though he’s 2.5 years old. *sigh*

  4. Reblogged this on Serendipity 13 and commented:
    From time to time I promised a re blog of something I found to be of use or of great importance to my millions of readers. The following is such an article. Yes. it’s about a wine for cats! I thought it interesting plus Ned payed me Twenty bucks. Enjoy! Let me know how it turns out.

  5. You say you’re not bringing such cat/dog libations into your home , Ned, but have you considered where your animals are when you’re at work? They could very well be over at the neighboring dogs’ and cats’ imbibing out of your sight. You have to be so careful these days with whom your pets are associating -they can so easily bring home bad habits along with the fleas.

  6. My hubby & I went to dinner at his cousin’s last night. It was the first time he consumed an alcoholic beverage in 2015 & I don’t drink at all (we’re just too old & tired to walk across the room to the bar, ha!) – you could lay a bet on it any pet of ours would not be getting beer or wine in our household.

No one is watching, I swear...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s