Want to date my daughter? This video could save your life

As my youngest daughter approaches the end of her middle school years, she has been catching the unwanted attention of teenaged boys. And when I say “unwanted,” I’m mostly talking about me. Statistically speaking, I was a teenaged boy once. I know what goes through their minds, at least when they’re not eating, sleeping and farting. But during that hour when they aren’t doing those things, they should be ashamed of themselves. That being said, if those same teenaged boys knew what was going through MY mind when I see them looking at my daughter, the teen pregnancy rate whould drop by 90 percent, with the other 10 percent being investigated by the Catholic Church as “potential miracles.”

So before the summer begins, I’d like to offer this video to any teenaged boy thinking of dating my daughter. It’s only 15 seconds. And there’s some language.

But it just might save your life…

Published by

Ned's Blog

I was a journalist, humor columnist, writer and editor at Siuslaw News for 23 years. The next chapter in my own writerโ€™s journey is helping other writers prepare their manuscript for the road ahead. I'm married to the perfect woman, have four great kids, and a tenuous grip on my sanity...

39 thoughts on “Want to date my daughter? This video could save your life”

  1. Yikes! i’m scared and I’m 3000 miles away, 57 and have no interest in your daughter. You have that slightly insane look about you Ned that many horror shows so desperately seek but never seem to quite manage. You know that visual drawing of the white wine glass that can look like two people face to face or a second later it looks like a wine glass again? http://www.openjokes.com/jokeimages/pics/glass-or-faces-1227558516.jpg Yeah well your face looks like that – one minute the jolly, cheerful Ned and the next second the evil deadly Ned. It’s the flicking back and forth that is so scary. ๐Ÿ˜ฎ

    1. Paul’s right and it’s the most impressive thing I’ve seen in months. Holy moly. Don’t ever post a photo of your daughter, thereby making me inadvertently gaze upon her countenance (or god forbid, her tiny body) and go straight to hell, not passing GO, and forfeiting my $200 for snacks. I’m trembling in my flip-flops.

  2. I had two tours of father of the daughter. I used to sit in my chair with tissue in my cheeks and softly (in my best godfather imitation) ask the boy what his father did for a living. Usually enough for a one date visit.

  3. “Tonight’s top story–the body of a local teenage boy was found in the driveway of Siuslaw News humor columnist Ned Hickson. Hickson’s neighbors told police they heard shouting and a scuffle around 10:02 p.m., local time. A neighbor walking her dog reported finding the body a short time later, describing the deadly scene as something out of Mad Max: Fury Road. Police say Hickson arrived home on foot during the crime scene investigation, and cooperated fully with detectives.

    ‘Mr. Hickson is not a suspect at this time. He was apparently taking a walk with his daughter along the Siuslaw River, where, ironically, we found the boy’s car submerged in the water early the next morning,’ a Siuslaw police spokesman said. ‘He was really funny and signed a bunch of copies of his book for all the guys.’

    We caught up with one neighbor who said she heard the commotion from her kitchen window.

    ‘It was just after 10, when I heard the screaming and yelling. I sure wish Ned would have been home, because he would have probably saved that young man’s life. He’s a volunteer firefighter, you know. And so, so funny. At first, I thought it might have been Ned in the fight, but then I heard his angry voice, and the killer even yelled “I told you, motherer in a tone of voice nothing like that of sweet Ned’s. Then the bad man got into a car and sped away. I sure hope he stays gone. We don’t need people like that bothering Ned and his lovely family. They’re just the nicest people. Wouldn’t hurt a fly.’

    Mr. Hickson declined to comment, citing a conflict of interest with his employer, the Siuslaw News. Police said a video found on Hickson’s personal blog threatening teenage boys trying to date his daughter was clearly meant in jest and not sufficient evidence that Hickson was in any way involved in the boy’s slaying, and that red blotches found on his shirt were actually just ketchup drippings from a hot dog Hickson said he ate earlier that day.”

    1. Absolutely HILARIOUS Matt! And you even spelled Siuslaw correctly! Not to mention you have given me a scripted alibi to follow that even I can’t screw up. I’ll be keeping my “walking” shoes on the porch in case I need them.

      Thanks for the laugh!

      1. I had a clever little angle-bracketed bleep in there for mother(bleeper), but WordPress doesn’t like angle brackets so it published a typo.


        I liked your 15-second video and menacing tone, Ned. Very much.

    1. I think your son would probably be one of the very few I wouldn’t feel it necessary to show this video to.

      But I’d still be watching him… ๐Ÿ˜‰

  4. Been there, done that. Although my husband did, in fact, have a gun available, we decided to just have a rule that my daughters could only date guys that could make friends with our two dogs, one of which was a 90-lb black German Shepherd who was not overly fond of non-family members. Not one guy succeeded on the first visit. Only a couple were brave enough to try a second time, and they were keepers. Nothing says love like risking your face to a large German Shepherd and your privates to a 40-lb border collie.

  5. It doesn’t say much about what people think about other people’s daughters’ future morals, but, shortly after my daughter was born, I got the “When you have a boy, you only have to worry about one d**k, but when you have a girl, you have to worry about ALL the d**ks” speech from friends. I figure when she gets to dating age, we’ll have the boy pick her up at her mom’s place, and her brother, stepdad, and I will all be sitting in the living room “casually” cleaning our shotguns. You rock, dude.

    1. I’d be appy to come over and offer back-up if you’d like. Between all of us, she’ll be lucky if she gets a date before she’s 30… ๐Ÿ˜‰

  6. Good luck with that one Ned. Being a parent who has already been through those years, I suggest you and your wife go to the local pharmacy, then visit the wall of condoms. After you wipe the look of amazement off your faces from the choices now available to kids. Pick one out (no need to buy ribbed or flavoured) and put your new purchase of condoms in the bathroom drawer, thus available to your daughter. This way she won’t have to ask, she can just go grab one and be prepared for date night.

  7. Ha,ha,ha!! That ought to do it. ๐Ÿ™‚ My father was feared by many, including my husband. He had a very low voice and big wide eyes and he used both to his advantage. It was known in my high school that if you were a boy and you liked me, you had to go through him first and not many got through! Best of luck with your baby. ๐Ÿ™‚

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