Let’s face it: we’re all a little stressed. Especially you sir, in the back, the one giving himself a mohawk with the Epilady shaver. The consequences of living in an increasingly fast-paced society are beginning to show. And not just when we’re in the drive-thru behind someone ordering lattes for what appears to be everyone in Kanye West’s posse; it’s in our general lack of patience with everything.
And while there are plenty of self-help books for finding inner peace and tranquility, they all have the same problem: Who has the time? If I could start my morning with meditation or yoga, I’d use that time for something more beneficial.
As a wise woman once said: “Ain’t nobody got time for that!”
So, whoever’s going to come up with an effective plan for finding patience and tranquility for our society, they need to hurry up! In the meantime, here are five weird things you can incorporate into your daily routine that should help. Or if nothing else, get you to put down that Epilady shaver:
1) Make a list of 20 things you never plan to do: This will give you a true sense of accomplishment because, once you are finished making your list, you can immediately cross everything off! For example, my list starts with: I will never be an overachiever.
2) For the entire day, refer to yourself in the third person: In addition to the obvious bonus of making co-workers uncomfortable, it will allow you to see how many of your conversations revolve around yourself. If your name doesn’t come up much, you’re either not as self-centered as you thought, or quite possibly extremely boring. Good to know in either case.
3) If you have a dog, call it by a completely random name: It will remind you of how what you say isn’t nearly as important as how you say it. Because regardless of what name you call your dog — “Spot,””Fluffy,” “Justin Bieber,” it will come running with unabashed joy as long as you say it with love. And maybe a biscuit. But mostly love. (Disclaimer: If your dog bites you for calling him Justin Bieber you had it coming…)
4) Propose marriage to a complete stranger: It’s a given that the person you ask will likely decline your offer — unless it’s one of the Kardashians. But assuming it isn’t, there is virtually no risk of any actually matrimony taking place. So why do this? It will make someone’s day no matter how much they may pretend it doesn’t.
What if you’re already married? Propose to them again — for the same reasons.
What if you’re already married to one of the Kardashians? You should’ve put that on your list of 20 things you’d never do.
5) Call your doctor just to tell them you’re feeling GREAT! Not only will this make it easier should you, at some point, ask for a Medical Marijuana prescription, more importantly it will give you a sense of empowerment knowing you were able to make your own diagnosis even without a fancy schmancy degree.
Come to think of it, getting that marijuana prescription may be a good enough reason for some of you.
(Ned Hickson is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation and a member of the writing team at Long Awkward Pause. His first book, Humor at the Speed of Life, is available from Port Hole Publications, Amazon.com or Barnes & Noble. Disclaimer: Even if you choose Ned’s book for summer reading, you should still use sunscreen.)