When it comes to looking ahead, look no further than your behind

image You should be aware that the idea of promoting an important issue through a week of “National Awareness” has gotten… How can I put this tactfully..?

Really stupid.

There was a time when, in order to command the attention of our entire country for a whole week, you actually needed to have an issue that was important. It needed to be something that could save lives, improve society or, at the very least, boost the sale of Hallmark cards.

But not anymore.

I say this because, as you may or may not know, we’re in the middle of “National Psychic Week.” (For those of you who did not know this, I’m sorry — but there’s a good chance you are not psychic.) According to one website, the purpose of each week-long focus is to: “dispel skepticism [of psychics] through factual awareness.

Thanks to an article that appeared in the Eugene Register-Guard, I have a better understanding of how it might take an entire week to dispel all that skepticism — especially after reading about Ulf Buck, a blind psychic from Meldorf, Germany, who claims he can read people’s futures by feeling their naked buttocks.

(Warning to women who frequent singles bars: Men who frequent singles bars may be reading this column.)

According to Buck, creases representing success, career and artistic ability extend inward from the extremities of the buttocks (Similar to a map of Hollywood), while five other creases radiate outward. Though Buck explained that those creases represent areas such as love and money, when asked about that crease radiating down the middle, he just said, “Ewww.

My point is, if you have a habit of sitting naked on wicker furniture, don’t waste your time getting a buttocks reading.

No. My real point is that people no longer pay ANY attention to “National Awareness” weeks because the topics have gotten so dumb. For example, when’s the last time you observed “National Fresh Breath” week with any level of enthusiasm? Did you gargle more? Brush better? Buy an extra roll of Certs?

(No one in THIS office did, I can tell you that.)

The problem is that there are no guidelines when it comes to petitioning for “National Awareness” status, which is why we have 40 states that participate in “Sky Awareness” week each year. First of all, do we really need a whole week? Unless you’re lying face down getting a buttocks reading, how long does it take to look straight up? Considering that there are 10 states that don’t observe “Sky Awareness” week at all, we can conclude that they either, 1) Think it’s dumb, 2) Put all of their efforts into having a great “Fresh Breath” week, or 3) Have no idea the sky actually exists.

Which could explain the idea behind “Brain Awareness” week.

That’s right. The same people who brought us “Mustard” week and “Bat Survey” week would like us to remember that we have brains even though, oddly enough, those same people scheduled “National Hot Dog” week to take place three months AFTER “National Mustard” week!

The bottom line, of course, is that coming up with wisecracks about buttocks readings, while cheeky, requires more brain activity than most “Awareness Week” topics. Though I’m sure that’ll change some day, exactly when is anybody’s guess. Then again, they do say hindsight is 20/20.

Just ask Ulf Buck…

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(Ned Hickson is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation and a member of the writing team at Long Awkward Pause. His first book, Humor at the Speed of Life, is available from Port Hole Publications, Amazon.com or Barnes & Noble. Disclaimer: Even if you choose Ned’s book for summer reading, you should still use sunscreen.)

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35 thoughts on “When it comes to looking ahead, look no further than your behind

  1. Hahaha. 🙂 What about International Toenail Awareness week? We could have it in July and get after all those sandal-wearing, unkempt toenail people who are too busy looking at the sky to observe their feet. 😉

  2. I think that the even an amateur butt reader can usually point out a problem with diet and lack of exercise, and determine your financial situation if you keep your wallet in your back pocket.

  3. Is it wrong that the photo of (I’ll call her “Yoga girl”–do they do that pose in yoga?–ouch) Yoga Girl turns me both on AND off? It almost looks like some sort of rehearsal for a magic act, where they cover her waist and back with a drape and then make her face up to look like a man so that it looks like 2 separate people, and then, well, hell, I don’t know what the point would be; I don’t do magic. Or yoga. Butt, butt-reading sounds like a fun hobby. I’m going to try it on random strangers in walmart.
    Update from Kevin’s lawyer: They won’t let him have internet access in jail, so he’ll “see” you in a few months.

  4. The “National Awareness” weeks are as bad as the commemorative days. When I’m putting together the Communications Calendar for each month, I just shake my head. This month, we have “International Left-Handers Day” (tomorrow) and next week is “Smile and Wave to Tourists International Day”. And that’s not bad, considering the commemorative days in other months.

    Thanks for this post, Ned.

    • You’re more than welcome, Alan! My wife is left-handed, so she thanks you for the heads-up on tomorrow. I’ll probably spend most of my day trying to find her a card…

  5. Love those national awareness days/weeks. Giving butts their due, the competition for awareness is stiff (not related to butts). There is a great website at http://www.national-awareness-days.com/ and some of the days are a hoot. Like January 25 is national bubble wrap awareness day – pop that one. In Britain January 31 in National Bug Busting Day. Or for your cat videos Ned, January 14 is National Dress up your Pet Day. And that’s just a few from January.

    Slipping into the butt-ery conversation – I am afraid to say too much for fear of getting into shit. 😀

  6. Oh no, say it isn’t so!!! I missed National Psychic Week.?? How could this be?? And oh my, there’s a sky?? I’m gonna have to become more aware of these awareness weeks. Hey I got an idea how about and Awareness Week on Awareness? I think people will buy into it.

No one is watching, I swear...

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