Men, by their very nature, are grillers of food. If you follow me on Facebook, then you know I love grilling everything from steak kabobs to bacon-wrapped bratwurst. This is because grilling, aside from providing men with a legitimate excuse to drink beer and play with fire, is actually a sign of romance and affection dating back to the discovery of fire itself.
We know this thanks to recently discovered cave paintings depicting what archeologists believe is a romantic meal prepared by a Neanderthal named Glork soon after the discovery of fire. According to archeologists, the sequence goes like this:
Painting one: Glork makes a small fire using a careful mixture of embers, dry leaves, and an assortment of twigs. He then douses it with liberal amounts of highly flammable liquid, creating a massive fireball that scorches the roof of his cave.
Painting two: Glork adds a marinated pterodactyl drumstick to the fire and begins drinking an unidentified beverage.
Paintings three through six: Glork continues drinking a lot more of his unidentified beverage.
Painting seven: Attempting to capture the attention of an attractive cavewoman, Glork uses the flaps of his animal skin to fan the aroma of dinner in her direction. In the process, he inadvertently exposes himself, leading to the creation of what archeologists believe is the very first “Kiss the Chef” apron.
Painting eight: Enticed by the aroma, a cavewoman joins Glork, who, as a sign of affection, begins slicing her a piece of meat.
Painting nine: Though archeologists are still debating whether this final drawing depicts 1) his high level of infatuation with the cavewoman, or 2) his high level of intoxication after drinking too much unidentified beverage, ALL agree that Glork is clearly unaware that the flaps on his animal skin have suddenly caught fire and are threatening to engulf his drumstick.
Though millions of years have now passed, grilling remains an important tool for men when it comes to expressing feelings of romance. Unfortunately, just as it did millions of years ago, it also still involves a dangerous combination of beverage consumption, fire and, in many cases, some type of poultry item. To substantiate this theory, I offer these three words:
As you might expect, this grilling endeavor involves two essential ingredients:
1) a whole chicken body
2) a can of beer
As you might NOT expect, the beer isn’t meant to be used as a thirst quencher while you grill the chicken. On the contrary. The beer is meant to be inserted directly into the chicken cavity.
It’s worth noting that his recipe was first introduced in 1987, during a proctology convention catered by a then unknown Martha Stewart.
Now, just because this idea was first introduced by a woman doesn’t mean that beer-can chickens fly in the face of men. That’s because it takes a MAN to become so obsessed with refining a grilling process that it actually leads to the invention of a new cooking device specially designed to keep top-heavy beer-can chickens from falling over on the grill. As great as that sounds, to truly appreciate the magnitude of this product, you need to have experienced the frustration that comes with not being able to keep your chicken upright.
Because it’s embarrassing, a lot of men won’t even talk about it, even though most would agree that few things can spoil a romantic evening faster than an uncooperative chicken.
At least, that’s what I hear.
Anyway, here are a couple of tips that can help improve your beer-can chicken experience.
First, make sure that the beer can is OPEN before inserting it into the chicken and placing it on the grill. If you don’t, there’s a good chance that your beer—once it reaches an internal temperature of 300 degrees—will become a propulsion system capable of launching your chicken with enough force to take out a Defense Department satellite. Truthfully speaking, this is about the only thing that CAN actually ruin a romantic evening faster than the aforementioned uncooperative chicken.
And good luck trying to explain either one to the folks at the Department of Homeland Security.
Secondly, and perhaps most importantly, never EVER under any circumstances attempt to fan the flames of desire wearing nothing but a “Kiss the Chef” apron.
Especially if your name is Glork…
(Ned Hickson is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation and a member of the writing team at Long Awkward Pause. His first book,Humor at the Speed of Life, is available from Port Hole Publications, Amazon.com or Barnes & Noble.)
54 thoughts on “A man’s guide to romantic cuisine — Step one: Insert beer into chicken cavity”
Marinated pterodactyl drumsticks actually sound really good. Probably like chicken, only more badass.
Love this- very funny!
Thanks, Colleen. I’m expecting a call from The Food Network any minute. Or maybe The History Channel. Or maybe just KFC…
On the other hand, leaving the can unopened could also result in a quicker method to produce shredded chicken for salads…
Great ha ha, Ned. You still da man. ❤
Lol! Plus, I can show my shivelry by throwing myself over my wife to protect her from falling chicken bits! Wait… or is that shrivelry…?
There is just no limit to your romance, Ned… lucky, lucky, wife. 😀
SHE may actually set the limit on this one, Robyn 😉
Oh, God, let’s hope so!
This works great. Keep your eye out, you can find them cheaper.
Thanks, Mike! I’ll send you a piece! Possibly from the sky.
Yup, I needed that laugh-out-loud this morning, thanks! My husband occasionally wears a Kiss the Chef apron — won’t HE be surprised next time because now I know what it’s for!
Haha! Pleasantly surprised, I’m sure 😉
That you’re funny? No shocker there, Nedster.
As much as the beer IN the chicken sounds fabulous, I am of the persuasion that believes any use of a beer other than to chug, is a lesser use of beer. In addition, doesn’t that look very painful? I have a hard time eating food that looks as if it may be in pain. I know if I were that chicken, I certainly wouldn’t appreciate the beer can being ….
I agree, Paul. This would be the only dish I prepare with my eyes closed. And wearing rubber gloves…
Yeah, I’m with Paul. Blech. I’ll take my beer with less “disgusting image burned on my brain for all eternity” thankyouverymuch.
It’s every redneck wedding’s centerpiece of choice.
Also in agreement with Paul over here. Stuffing an open beer can up a chicken just feels wrong, like you couldn’t be bothered to at least get it liquored up before violating it and instead just tried to kill two birds with one Bud.
Yes. Definitely something afowl with this scenario.
If you could create a chicken missile with a 12 oz can of beer and a regular sized chicken, just think what you could do with a cornish game hen and a 16 oz can of beer, I think our Department of Defense might be squandering all it’s money in the wrong directions. (Also I want that Journey shirt.)
Domingo, don’t even get me started on what you can do with a 20-lb. turkey and a pony keg.
Um… or so I’ve heard.
I don’t think this beer cans stuffed inside a chicken sound very appetizing. Can Glork and I just do takeout?
As long as he can wear his apron.
So that’s where kids come from. 😉
I’m sorry I had to be the one to break it to you, Lynette — but yes…
I’m just thrilled that you and Glork know the difference between “grillin” and Bar-B-Q! OMG! If I hear one more person say they are going to have a BBQ and they are putting steaks or shrimp or burgers on a grill, I’m here to tell ya, it AIN’T Bar-B-Q!
I have heard of the beer can Chicken thing before but we have never tried it! Sounds like a great idea! 🙂
Yes, barbecue is BBQ! Grilling is everything else.It’s not complicated. The only common denominator is that bacon makes both better! 😉
I keep tellin’ my Yankee friends that BBQ is a food group! I even introduced them to the real thing!! They just don’t get it *sigh* 😦
Some people can’t be taught. And probably shouldn’t be.
I don’t even own a barbecue, Ned!
Hey Robert!!! 😛 since I know for whom THAT comment was meant for!!! 😛 LOL!
Probably safer for everyone that way, Robert.
— The Health Department
AMEN Ned! 😉
combustible cooking. a great title for your next cookbook.
It will probably go over well with the pyro readership.
Those two chickens look quite comfortable, like they’re just hanging out on the stoop. Granted, it’s a stoop in Hell and instead of chewing the fat, they’re melting it. But still, a perfectly pastoral scene.
I love the way you always find the positive, Karen.
I went to double check the photos on your Facebook page, I believe you have more selfies, then grilling photos, hmm, counselling?
Lol! That’s only because no one else wants to take my picture. Not even my therapist…
I was politely chuckling and avoiding the snort until you provided the visual of a catapulted chicken powered by a loaded beer. O.M.G. Seriously dying here.
Having fun reading your posts backward, too…I haven’t found any satanic messages yet 😉
You just can’t go wrong with catapulted chickens. And farts.
And a farting catapulted chickens?!? It’s all over… 😉
Stick a fork in me….BAHAHAHAHA!
Something tell me you speak from experience. Now I need to go insert my chicken into my beer can, or it that..my beer can into my mouth. I’m not sure now…
Just don’t insert a raw chicken into your mouth. I think that’s called salmonella…
I also need to learn proper grammar ha! How much do I owe you for the FREE advice?
My free advice comes with a money-back guarantee…
How kind is that?!
We call it braai down here. All the fundamentals remains the same even though we have one very important rule: Real men never ever ever use gas.
I have to admit, I never ever used gas up until a few years ago when I got a grill as a gift. Because it’s so easy, I’ll come hime late from work and still throw something on the grill — because real men may not usse gas, but they get gas… 😉
And no matter how much your wife loves you, farting in bed is still considered inappropriate behavior.
I like to call it the “Hot Air Balloon” game; she likes to call it the “sleep on the couch” game. She wins.
They win every time, my friend, every time. Take last night for example…