A man’s guide to romantic cuisine — Step one: Insert beer into chicken cavity

image Men, by their very nature, are grillers of food. If you follow me on Facebook, then you know I love grilling everything from steak kabobs to bacon-wrapped bratwurst. This is because grilling, aside from providing men with a legitimate excuse to drink beer and play with fire, is actually a sign of romance and affection dating back to the discovery of fire itself.

We know this thanks to recently discovered cave paintings depicting what archeologists believe is a romantic meal prepared by a Neanderthal named Glork soon after the discovery of fire. According to archeologists, the sequence goes like this:

Painting one: Glork makes a small fire using a careful mixture of embers, dry leaves, and an assortment of twigs. He then douses it with liberal amounts of highly flammable liquid, creating a massive fireball that scorches the roof of his cave.

Painting two: Glork adds a marinated pterodactyl drumstick to the fire and begins drinking an unidentified beverage.

Paintings three through six: Glork continues drinking a lot more of his unidentified beverage.

Painting seven: Attempting to capture the attention of an attractive cavewoman, Glork uses the flaps of his animal skin to fan the aroma of dinner in her direction. In the process, he inadvertently exposes himself, leading to the creation of what archeologists believe is the very first “Kiss the Chef” apron.

Painting eight: Enticed by the aroma, a cavewoman joins Glork, who, as a sign of affection, begins slicing her a piece of meat.

Painting nine: Though archeologists are still debating whether this final drawing depicts 1) his high level of infatuation with the cavewoman, or 2) his high level of intoxication after drinking too much unidentified beverage, ALL agree that Glork is clearly unaware that the flaps on his animal skin have suddenly caught fire and are threatening to engulf his drumstick.

Though millions of years have now passed, grilling remains an important tool for men when it comes to expressing feelings of romance. Unfortunately, just as it did millions of years ago, it also still involves a dangerous combination of beverage consumption, fire and, in many cases, some type of poultry item. To substantiate this theory, I offer these three words:

Beer-can chicken.

As you might expect, this grilling endeavor involves two essential ingredients:
1) a whole chicken body
2) a can of beer

As you might NOT expect, the beer isn’t meant to be used as a thirst quencher while you grill the chicken. On the contrary. The beer is meant to be inserted directly into the chicken cavity.

It’s worth noting that his recipe was first introduced in 1987, during a proctology convention catered by a then unknown Martha Stewart.

Now, just because this idea was first introduced by a woman doesn’t mean that beer-can chickens fly in the face of men. That’s because it takes a MAN to become so obsessed with refining a grilling process that it actually leads to the invention of a new cooking device specially designed to keep top-heavy beer-can chickens from falling over on the grill. As great as that sounds, to truly appreciate the magnitude of this product, you need to have experienced the frustration that comes with not being able to keep your chicken upright.

Because it’s embarrassing, a lot of men won’t even talk about it, even though most would agree that few things can spoil a romantic evening faster than an uncooperative chicken.

At least, that’s what I hear.

Anyway, here are a couple of tips that can help improve your beer-can chicken experience.

First, make sure that the beer can is OPEN before inserting it into the chicken and placing it on the grill. If you don’t, there’s a good chance that your beer—once it reaches an internal temperature of 300 degrees—will become a propulsion system capable of launching your chicken with enough force to take out a Defense Department satellite. Truthfully speaking, this is about the only thing that CAN actually ruin a romantic evening faster than the aforementioned uncooperative chicken.

And good luck trying to explain either one to the folks at the Department of Homeland Security.

Secondly, and perhaps most importantly, never EVER under any circumstances attempt to fan the flames of desire wearing nothing but a “Kiss the Chef” apron.

Especially if your name is Glork…

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(Ned Hickson is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation and a member of the writing team at Long Awkward Pause. His first book,Humor at the Speed of Life, is available from Port Hole Publications, Amazon.com or Barnes & Noble.)

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Ned's Blog

I was a journalist, humor columnist, writer and editor at Siuslaw News for 23 years. The next chapter in my own writer’s journey is helping other writers prepare their manuscript for the road ahead. I'm married to the perfect woman, have four great kids, and a tenuous grip on my sanity...

54 thoughts on “A man’s guide to romantic cuisine — Step one: Insert beer into chicken cavity”

  5. Yup, I needed that laugh-out-loud this morning, thanks! My husband occasionally wears a Kiss the Chef apron — won’t HE be surprised next time because now I know what it’s for!

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  6. As much as the beer IN the chicken sounds fabulous, I am of the persuasion that believes any use of a beer other than to chug, is a lesser use of beer. In addition, doesn’t that look very painful? I have a hard time eating food that looks as if it may be in pain. I know if I were that chicken, I certainly wouldn’t appreciate the beer can being ….

    Reply

  8. Also in agreement with Paul over here. Stuffing an open beer can up a chicken just feels wrong, like you couldn’t be bothered to at least get it liquored up before violating it and instead just tried to kill two birds with one Bud.

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  9. If you could create a chicken missile with a 12 oz can of beer and a regular sized chicken, just think what you could do with a cornish game hen and a 16 oz can of beer, I think our Department of Defense might be squandering all it’s money in the wrong directions. (Also I want that Journey shirt.)

    Reply

  12. I’m just thrilled that you and Glork know the difference between “grillin” and Bar-B-Q! OMG! If I hear one more person say they are going to have a BBQ and they are putting steaks or shrimp or burgers on a grill, I’m here to tell ya, it AIN’T Bar-B-Q!
    I have heard of the beer can Chicken thing before but we have never tried it! Sounds like a great idea! 🙂

    Reply

  15. Those two chickens look quite comfortable, like they’re just hanging out on the stoop. Granted, it’s a stoop in Hell and instead of chewing the fat, they’re melting it. But still, a perfectly pastoral scene.

    Reply

  17. I was politely chuckling and avoiding the snort until you provided the visual of a catapulted chicken powered by a loaded beer. O.M.G. Seriously dying here.
    Having fun reading your posts backward, too…I haven’t found any satanic messages yet 😉

    Reply

  18. Something tell me you speak from experience. Now I need to go insert my chicken into my beer can, or it that..my beer can into my mouth. I’m not sure now…

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    1. I have to admit, I never ever used gas up until a few years ago when I got a grill as a gift. Because it’s so easy, I’ll come hime late from work and still throw something on the grill — because real men may not usse gas, but they get gas… 😉

      Reply

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