It’s OK, I was shocked too.
Especially since they didn’t require me to wear a live-feed Go-Pro camera at all times. Maybe it’s because, after turning 49 last month, they feel I’ve grown and matured. And they might be right.
Looking back on my first day of being in charge yesterday, I’m thinking “Margarita Monday” might’ve been a mistake.
Things actually started out fine. When our front office girl, Kate, said the noise from the margarita machine was making it difficult to hear the phone, I took charge of the situation.
“Just let everything go to voice mail,” I said. “That’s what we have it for, right?”
She could check messages between margarita machine refills!
Problem solved.
Of course, I had no idea our office manager, Kathleen, was such a lightweight. After three margaritas she was re-recording all our phone greetings with a really sloppy Scotish accent that sounded more like Shrek intoxicated and talking with a mouthful of oatmeal.
Then, the 11 a.m. nap time I instituted was only supposed to last 30 minutes. Fortunately, the margarita machine woke us up at 2 p.m. when the drum started grinding after the ice melted. Otherwise, we’d have slept right through our snack break at 2:30, when our 10 pizzas were going to be delivered. In the meantime, we worked a solid 30 minutes, giving Kate enough time to check all the phone messages.
“Weird,” she said. “There were 30 calls and everyone hung up.”
“Must’ve been wrong numbers,” I said.
“I’m shuuuur yuuuur right, LADDIE!” said Kathleen, who then fell back asleep in the storage room.
After locking the doors at 3 p.m. as part of our new office hours, I thought about my first day of being in charge and how I could improve my performance for day two.
I may have to re-think Top Shelf Tuesday…
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(Ned Hickson is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation and a member of the writing team at Long Awkward Pause. His first book, Humor at the Speed of Life, is available from Port Hole Publications, Amazon.com or Barnes & Noble.)
Ned's Blog 
Great day, boss! Are you hiring?
Just for the week, but come on over! After that, we’ll both be looking for work… 😉
Ha! Of course, Ned. I’ll bring my own wide glass.
Bwahaha. Now THAT is an office I want to work at every day. Well, for a grand total of 30 minutes. Then the rest of the day I’ll be at my desk either napping or sipping more margaritas. Deadlines? Pfft. Whatevs.
“Her resume smells like Jose Cuervo — she’s hired.”
LOL! Sounds like fun was had by all!! I wanna come work for you! 😉
Better hurry. We may be asleep.
Courtney and I come equipped with people skills and good looks – made even better by beer. If you’re hiring, we are in!!
(Hi C/K!)
There’s always a position open for you here, with or without the beer!
Don’t forget Wine Wednesday.
eagerly anticipating the narration of events from ‘weed Wednesday’
This is Oregon. No one waits for Wednesday… 😉
The problem might not be so much the Margarita Monday, but the Hungover Tuesday that followed….
Please don’t yell.
Tequila Tuesday
Wino Wednesday
Threesome Thursday
Freeday
That just leaves the weakened
Threesome Thursday? I won’t be responsible for that…
Sounds like the best place to work ever! What’s the plan for tomorrow – have you decided between weed or wine yet?
I think we’re going with the wine. Just to cleanse the palette. Besides, we’re all watching our weight and weed would only make us hungry.
Yeah that makes sense… You could add in some wine jelly – low cal version!
Now you’re talking! Wait… it’s not the naughty kind of jelly, right?
Ha! What an awesome boss. The wielding of such power; the huge responsibilities that rest upon your broad shoulders; I can feel the face of the human experience shifting beneath my feet from the brilliant work product that you and your team are assuredly publishing. Then of course, ya’ll will sober up but for now it is magnificent.
Too funny Ned, I’m sure you’ll do just fine.
Thanks, Paul — I can feel the shifting beneath my feet, too. Could just be the tequila, though.
Just stay away from the single malts. And cigars. Cigars go with scotch, don’t they? I’ve been binge-watching Mad Men and I think I would’ve loved working in that office. Well, except for the womanizing. And the brassieres. And the rotary phones. But all that cocktailing all day long? Awesome.
After enough cocktails any phone seems like a rotary phone.
bring on sloppy sunday!
As long as there’s bacon in it.
Omg…never leave the comedian in charge. Just saying…
They didn’t listen to me either.
Too funny. You bring it all to life so vividly I feel like I am there … hic ….
I thought you WERE here! Wasn’t that you sleeping under the desk?
Yep, that was I, before I lurched towards the door, stumbled down to the shore and caught the first boat to Australia. I have to be home soon to go to a medical appointment. You lot really know how to throw a party . . . is it still going? I might just come back. Save some tequila for me.
Hurry back, Tez! We’ll save you a shot glass.
Hey Ned, we have some openings here at our office. *wink*
It’s Wednesday – shall we do weed or wine, then?
We’re going with a wine bar today. Weed causes the munchies and there’s a candy store three doors down. That could be bad.
Road trip Wednesday?
After Tuesday, none of us want to be stuck in a car together…
And jurnalism was never the same…
I think you just wrote my epitaph…
My boss sometimes brings us ice cream if we’ve been good – but never margaritas. I’m a little sad he is not more progressive.
Start with suggesting frozen margaritas. That’s kind of like ice cream, right?
I think you did just fine except there was no mention of bacon.
I did. I was just slurring too much for anyone to understand.
Okay phew because bacon.
Isn’t Margaritas a girly drink? Toughen up Mister! What about Tequila Tuesdays? Or Whisky Wednesdays. Man, I’ll even let you get away with Shooter Sunday.
Girly or not, Margaritas often lead to Sex on the Beach (Remember, I live on the coast…)
I wanted to spell touché but then I thought any reference to tush might be inconsiderate. Then I thought what the hell and posted it anyway…Then I took a sip of my seventh Martini.
At first I was shocked that you were already on your seventh martini. Then I remembered the time difference, and how it’s already Novermber or something…
Time zones and seasons…why did this damn world have to ROUND!!
That’s keeping it loose in the office!
It’s the part of my job I take most seriously…