Since the introduction of Mr. Knowitall, who is our resident historian, economist, food critic, movie reviewer, foreign affairs consultant, science correspondent, consumer products expert and vending machine repairman (not necessarily in that order), many of you have written in seeking advice about holiday gift-buying.
Due to the enormous volume of email we received, they will be answered through a lottery-style process — which means that, until he wins the lottery, Mr. Knowitall will continue to answer your questions.
So let us begin!
Dear Mr. Knowitall: Do those electronic muscle stimulators really help trim fat and tone muscles?
— Really hope so on Rhode Island
Dear Really: As you know, the principle behind the device is the utilization of a continuous sequence of small shocks that stimulates muscle activity, similar to your body’s own natural electrical impulses. An easy way to think of it is to visualize a car and its battery. Now visualize the car, the battery — and a pair of jumper cables clamped to your buttocks as someone starts the engine. While there’s no scientific proof this will trim fat and build muscle, studies show that most people find themselves stimulated enough to go to the gym after one session.
Dear Mr. Knowitall: I’m looking at getting my husband something to help with his snoring. Any suggestions?
— Yawning in Yonkers, NY
Dear Yawning: I’ll tell you there are a lot of products out there that claim to end snoring problems, and most of these products are 100 percent effective. And though they may look and cost differently, these devices all rely on the same two principles, which are:
• Fit into someone’s nostrils
• Be really uncomfortable
This combination is proven effective because it:
• Keeps snorers from sleeping
My advice is to try rolling him on his side. If that doesn’t work try rolling him the other way. If that doesn’t work, keep rolling until you hear a big thud. Repeat this until he’s too frightened to sleep.
Dear Mr. Knowitall: I’m thinking of getting my wife some of that spray that helps remove body hair. Is it safe?
— Harry in Henderson, Texas
Dear Harry: Not for you, it isn’t.
Dear Mr. Knowitall: I’d like to get my wife a personal protection device for Christmas. I heard about something on the Internet that’s a combination pepper-spray gun, flash light and whistle. Any idea where to find it?
— Wondering in West Virginia
Dear Wondering: It’s called the Pepper Escort defense kit and was invented by Dan McClarin out of concern for his daughters, who are apparently very attractive and excellent at multi-tasking. The gun shoots a steady stream of pepper spray, which causes burning of the eyes and throat, constriction of the nasal passages, and inhibited breathing. Aimed in the opposite direction, the gun can be equally effective against an attacker. In addition, you can also blow your whistle and shine the flashlight in his eyes.
And Yawning in Yonkers, if you’re still reading, this is one option I hadn’t thought about…
Unfortunately, that’s all the time for today because, as I’m sure you understand, Mr. Knowitall is a busy man! Especially when the Cheetos runs out in the vending machine. If you have any questions, write to Mr. Knowitall here or at firstname.lastname@example.org and I’ll make sure he gets it.
Your questions, I mean.
This has been a shameless holiday promotion excerpt from Ned’s book, Humor at the Speed of Life, available online at Port Hole Publications, Amazon Books and Barnes & Noble. Write to him at email@example.com
18 thoughts on “Mr. Knowitall is happy to answer your gift-buying questions”
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!! A great laugh to start my morning Ned! Thanks!!! I think I will look for gift giving advice from someone less cynical though! LOL! 😉
I don’t blame you. I have a feeling Mr. Knowitall probably doesn’t date much.
I love the answer to Harry in Henderson, Texas. Short, funny, and right on point.
That’s the way Mr. Knowitall rolls…
“Repeat this until he’s too frightened to sleep.” Had I used this on the grizzly bear I lived with – er, I mean my ex husband – we might have divorced sooner.
Maybe Mr.Knowitall needs to offer marital advice. Unfortunately too late for you, but he might help others end their marriage sooner…
Okay this did not help me with my Christmas list whatsoever. 🙂
I’ll make sure to tell Mr. Knowitall!
… On second thought, I’ll let YOU tell him
Reblogged this on Kate McClelland.
Thank You, Kate!
What are his views on fruitcake? Asking for a friend….
Tell your “friend” that fruitcake — like diamonds — is a gift that lasts forever.
Thank you, Mr. Knowitall – I’ll let “her” know 😉
Dear Mr. Knowitall… I wanted to send a gift to Ned’s blog this war-on-holiday season… but I found out that it is illegal to send a bag of dog poo through the U.S. Mail… especially if it on fire… also, it turns out that the postal service does not take requests to leave stuff on a porch, push the doorbell, and run away… and also I learned that blogs do not technically have a front porch…
Try the Postal Service’s newest mailing option, “If It Fits It Shits,” which should solve your probem.
our tax dollars at work!!!
Mr. Knowitall is a grand addition to your team, Ned.
Thanks, Robert. I think it’s his cheerful disposition I love most.