I’ve been chosen to broker peace between the U.S. and Canada

(I’m over at Long Awkward Pause today with a Special Live News Report for LAP-TV, which I should clarify has nothing to do with a lap-mounted camera…)

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ALBERTA, Canada — In an unprecedented move aimed at easing tensions between the U.S. and Canada following Justin Bieber’s request for permanent U.S. citizenship, Canadian officials have agreed to what they are calling a “mutually offensive compromise” by granting temporary citizenship to one staff member from Long Awkward Pause.

“We think allowing anyone from LAP citizenship in our country for 24 hours is more than enough to make up for 10 years of Justin Bieber,” said Pierre Bidet, a spokesman who helped broker the decision. “However, if there is an attempt to extend the citizenship beyond 24 hours, we are prepared to jettison Rob Ford across the channel and into Seattle.”

After hours of closed-door deliberation, LAP announced it had selected a representative and, coincidentally, run out of beer. “From what we remember from the meeting, the two aren’t related,” said LAP staff member Jack DeVoss. “But we chose Ned because he was the most qualified. Plus he got there late and was sober.” (More at LAP…)

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Ned's Blog

I was a journalist, humor columnist, writer and editor at Siuslaw News for 23 years. The next chapter in my own writer’s journey is helping other writers prepare their manuscript for the road ahead. I'm married to the perfect woman, have four great kids, and a tenuous grip on my sanity...

31 thoughts on “I’ve been chosen to broker peace between the U.S. and Canada”

  1. Ha haaaa… as always… and I just found out I’ve covered every place in Canada you’ve been… 🙂 I was born in Alberta, lived most in BC, and spend every August in Nova Scotia… I like to think I’m not just your no. 1 groupie now, but I’ve also honestly earned, at least top 5, Cdn. stalker status too!

    1. Helping Fr. Robert is very honourable, Michelle!

      Besides, I’m the one who should be apologizing. But now that the “A Star is Born” competition and holidays are over, I’m looking forward to having the time to visit my favourite writers again 😉

No one is watching, I swear...

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