My tips for celebrity men on how NOT to excite women

imageWe’ve all seen the images of crazed women grabbing at male celebrities like Ryan Gosling, Justin Bieber and Zac Efron.

We’ve watched the footage of a female fan clawing at Tim McGraw’s pant leg, causing him to shove her hand away in an attempt to avoid being dragged into a sea of crazed women.

As I write this, I silently nod my head in understanding.

Being that my job has kept me in the public eye for more than a decade, I have some advice for the country superstar when it comes to avoiding overzealous women trying to get their hands on you:

Become a humor columnist.

In the last 16 years, the closest I’ve come to having a strange woman grab at me was during a fundraiser dinner, when part of my pulled-pork sandwich went down the wrong way and a nurse in the audience gave me the Heimlich Maneuver. 

And while I thought she had taken a button from my sport coat as a keepsake, surveillance footage showed it popping off during a chest compression. Which wasn’t the least bit sexy.

For anyone, really.

Men like Tim McGraw need a team of security specialists coordinating crowd control for shows and public appearances. By comparison, my recent reading at a public library required a security force of just one off-duty Walmart greeter — who, as it turned out, was only there because the library calendar mistakenly listed a presentation on genealogy that day. Fortunately, we were able to talk him into greeting dozens of others who, after learning I was the featured guest, had to be escorted out by a more calloused late-fee librarian.

Settle down, ladies! Um... ladies? Hello? Hello? Anyone?

Settle down, ladies!
Um… ladies?
Hello? Hello? Anyone?

That’s because, while women often say a sense of humor is an extremely sexy quality in a man, let’s face it: No one tells a joke quite like a shirtless Ryan Gosling.

To test this theory, I actually had Ryan Gosling join me for a bookstore reading. Both of us were shirtless. He went first and had the audience of mostly women laughing hysterically. Not to say that I didn’t. It’s just that I hadn’t started reading from my book yet.

As a service to celebrity men everywhere, here are a few tips I have found to be successful when it comes to avoiding the creation of a woman frenzy.

First, try being a little less attractive. While it’s true “six-pack” abs are seen as an indication of your commitment to fitness, tapping a pony keg requires real commitment.

Also, pace yourself with the talent a bit. Just because you’re an award-winning entertainer doesn’t mean you need to perform at the highest level every single time! That only creates the kind of supercharged sexual energy that has created your problem in the first place. Do what I do and pull back the reigns on your sexual charisma and try to be a little less enticing.

Anyone reading this understands what I mean.

 

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My female readership

 

Lastly, a little clumsiness wouldn’t hurt. Actually, that’s not entirely true; it should hurt a little. Speaking from experience, nothing stops droves of frenzied women in their tracks faster than a really bad cartwheel that ends with you hugging tree trunk.

Especially if all you’ve been drinking is diet soda.

If you utilize these techniques, rest assured you can go to any library, grocery store or public appearance and not cause women to go crazy — or, with enough practice, any reaction whatsoever.

But just to be safe, I’d also stay away from the pulled pork.

_____________________________________________________

 

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(Ned Hickson is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation. His first book, Humor at the Speed of Life, is available from Port Hole Publications, Amazon.com or Barnes & Noble.)

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52 thoughts on “My tips for celebrity men on how NOT to excite women

  1. Ned, these are awesome tips! As my worthless advice blog screams out of control and my fan base grows, I was really quite worried about how I am going to handle my hordes of followers. But your advice is well worth the price of clicking on your latest blog post. Keep up the great work!

  2. Oh Ned! Thank you for the belly laugh. I have NO doubt you have throngs of admiring female fans…and I know it can’t be just because of the way you hold a pulled pork sandwich.
    Loved this!

  3. You could be a consultant to the stars Ned – after all you’ve been on the BIG SCREEN. You were voted by your fans as the sexiest blogger and again as the best blogger – the praise keeps coming. You’ve achieved the lofty heights of the successful Ned. It is an honor to be of your acquaintance.

  4. I’ve been really cute as a baby, but ever since then I’ve been following your advice and improving my unattractiveness. I still have a long way to go, but I’m happy to report that the universal female fawning over my looks I had to endure during my first couple of years (and I’ve been shirtless, and occasionally, pantless a lot back then) has now almost entirely disappeared.

    • I hear you, LOX. As you know, I tried the shirtless/pants-less thing last year and the reaction from women was nothing like when I was a baby.

      Keep up the good work; the struggle is real.

  5. Just to be fair, don’t you think you should also write a post to women about how NOT to excite men? Of course, you might have more difficulty finding personal anecdotes. 🙂

  6. I just read the Nimoy book called I am Spock. In it he states that he had the same problem. He almost caused riots at his signings of his book. You probably suffer the same problem.
    I am incognito as an old man and therefore am spared by my two fans.

  7. It’s tough being a star Ned, lol. You’re so funny and humble. I’m sure in reality you have many admiring women fans. Let’s not forget, there are many women who are naturally attracted to a plain old fireman, without fame. 🙂

No one is watching, I swear...

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