My tips for celebrity men on how NOT to excite women

imageWe’ve all seen the images of crazed women grabbing at male celebrities like Ryan Gosling, Justin Bieber and Zac Efron.

We’ve watched the footage of a female fan clawing at Tim McGraw’s pant leg, causing him to shove her hand away in an attempt to avoid being dragged into a sea of crazed women.

As I write this, I silently nod my head in understanding.

Being that my job has kept me in the public eye for more than a decade, I have some advice for the country superstar when it comes to avoiding overzealous women trying to get their hands on you:

Become a humor columnist.

In the last 16 years, the closest I’ve come to having a strange woman grab at me was during a fundraiser dinner, when part of my pulled-pork sandwich went down the wrong way and a nurse in the audience gave me the Heimlich Maneuver.  Continue reading

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Remote-controlled rats could lead to Stepford Husbands

imageAs I’ve mentioned before, because of our home’s proximity to the local wharf, from time to time we have a problem with rodents. Now, when I say “rodents,” I mean rats.

And when I say “problem,” I mean finding mysterious entries scrawled on our grocery list that read:

Git mor cheeez

However, I know that we aren’t alone in this, and that our neighbors undoubtedly have the same rodent problem. I know this because 1) They are our neighbors, and therefore live as close to the wharf as we do, and 2) Because we routinely lob assorted cheese curds into their yards before going to bed.

[Note to neighbors: We are NOT trying to entice the rats from our house into yours; we’re simply trying to entice you to eat more cheese.]

That said, some recent discoveries could change the way we go about solving our rat problem. According to a recent article in the journal Nature, researchers at the State University of New York have created the world’s first living remote-controlled rat. By implanting tiny electrodes in rats’ brains, scientists can command the rats to turn left or right, climb trees, navigate mazes, and, in some cases, stage dramatic light saber duels while dressed as tiny Star Wars characters.  Continue reading

Politics could use a dose of reality (television)

image Aside from watching something on “The Dust Channel,” I can’t think of anything less interesting than the upcoming political debates and conventions.

Watch, I’ll show you….

See?
Nothing.

And the worst part is, they’ll be on every major network, with commentary offered by shell-shocked correspondents picking confetti from their hair and wincing between air horn blasts that are supposed to make us all wish we were part of that kind of fun! In actuality, news anchors David Muir, Lester Holt and Scott Pelley don’t want to be there either, but they will be; and by God, if they’ve got to be stuck in a skybox for a week, we’re going to watch!

Now, this isn’t to say making the debates and conventions even remotely interesting isn’t possible. In fact, if the campaign gurus would study the ratings, there are plenty of examples of what could be done to make things more exciting by following a few, simple rules. Continue reading

Outlook for the future of education? It looks just… Pee Chee

Education Secretary Arnie Duncan promises no child's will get left behind when it comes to getting a Pee Chee folder.

Education Secretary Arne Duncan promises no child will get left behind when it comes to getting a Pee Chee folder.

When I was a kid, our school supply list consisted of a Star Wars notebook and a Pee Chee folder. The notebook helped us organize our assignments; the Pee-Chee folder was used for entertaining ourselves during class by drawing thought balloons for the athletes on the cover.

Football Guy: (Getting tackled) “Oh sure — run the old L-42 play, THAT always works…”
Tennis Girl: “If my skirt gets any shorter, I’ll be playing Olympic volleyball…”

You get the idea.

Just about everyone remembers this folder because, like Al Sharpton’s hair gel, it has remained virtually unchanged since 1964. What has changed, however, is the growing list of items parents must provide throughout the school year. This comes in addition to rudimentary things, such as clothing, snacks and a recent urine sample. The reason is simple: The government is tired of wasteful spending, particularly in the educational system, where a special task force has discovered that schools routinely get bilked into spending thousands of dollars on paper alone.

“And, shockingly, most of this paper has turned out to be blank,” said Education Secretary Arne Duncan. Continue reading

A man’s guide to romantic cuisine — Step one: Insert beer into chicken cavity

image Men, by their very nature, are grillers of food. If you follow me on Facebook, then you know I love grilling everything from steak kabobs to bacon-wrapped bratwurst. This is because grilling, aside from providing men with a legitimate excuse to drink beer and play with fire, is actually a sign of romance and affection dating back to the discovery of fire itself.

We know this thanks to recently discovered cave paintings depicting what archeologists believe is a romantic meal prepared by a Neanderthal named Glork soon after the discovery of fire. According to archeologists, the sequence goes like this:

Painting one: Glork makes a small fire using a careful mixture of embers, dry leaves, and an assortment of twigs. He then douses it with liberal amounts of highly flammable liquid, creating a massive fireball that scorches the roof of his cave.

Painting two: Glork adds a marinated pterodactyl drumstick to the fire and begins drinking an unidentified beverage.

Paintings three through six: Glork continues drinking a lot more of his unidentified beverage.

Painting seven: Attempting to capture the attention of an attractive cavewoman, Glork uses the flaps of his animal skin to fan the aroma of dinner in her direction. In the process, he inadvertently exposes himself, leading to the creation of what archeologists believe is the very first “Kiss the Chef” apron. Continue reading

Airlines may be asked to crash planes to help reduce passenger stress

image Recently, a federal jury in Billings, Mont., awarded $1 million to a woman who said she suffers from post-traumatic stress after her Delta Airlines jet made an emergency landing in November of 2011.

The case gained attention because it opens the floodgate for other post-traumatic stress lawsuits, which includes anyone who has ever ridden in a taxi in downtown New York. Though I never suffered anything as severe as post-traumatic stress from my own NYC taxi experience, it was many weeks before I could free my mind from the terrifying image of my driver giving other drivers the bird with both hands as he navigated through Madison Avenue traffic using only his knees.

Even today, I’m sure that his back seat still has a perfect impression of my hands — in the form of a death grip — which he can use as a nice conversation piece. Continue reading

Weird manicures that will give you a Long Awkward Pause

It’s Saturday! That means I’m with the rest of the staff over at Long Awkward Pause for this week’s Saturday Six, which is a collection of items (…yep, six of them) that are awkward and loosely related. How awkward and loosely related? Let’s just say if the S6 were adoptable children, even Brad and Angelina wouldn’t take them in.

This week’s topic: Painted nails that will make you cuddle your cuticles for comfort…

1. Edward Scissornails

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BrainRants: I approve of this because Edward Scissorhands is creepy, and creepy shit is awesome.

Omawarisan: How do you use toilet paper if you’ve got Edward Scissornails?

Jack: It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye – because you went to brush your hair out of your face and you have 9 minature scissors on your fingertips.

Ned: Edward Scissorhands or not, it seems to me these nails would make it hard to trim your bush.

(In the mood for a One Direction manicure yet? No? See how you feel after seeing these next examples at Long Awkward Pause…)

Celebrity make-overs that will give you a Long Awkward Pause

It’s Saturday, which means it’s time for The Saturday Six, when I and the rest of the staff at Long Awkward Pause comment on six items that are related and completely awkward — think of six Jimmy Osmonds at an Osmond Family reunion and you’ll have a good idea of what I’m getting at. This week’s subject? Fake celebrity make-overs. Fortunately, there’s no Jimmy Osmond in sight…

1. Between A Rock And A Kitty

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Omawarisan: Seeing Rob in his new Mr. Cuddlesworth hat struck fear into, well, no one.

Chris – Can you sssmmmmelllll…what’s on Rock’s head?

Ned: Some men will go to any length to cover their bald spots.

BrainRants: Nope. Not gonna piss off The Rock. Nope.

(Sadly, this first example is the closest we have to an actual celebrity look-alike. In other words, it’s all downhill from here. To keep that awkward momentum going, join me for the rest of The Saturday Six HERE…)