When you celebrate your 50th birthday at work

image I’m not sure what my parents were thinking when they had sex 50 years and 9 months ago.

Actually I guess I do, and well… Ewwww.

Anyway, if they had stopped just long enough to glance at a calander for 2016, they would’ve CLEARLY seen that my 50th birthday would probably fall on a work day. And a deadline day no less! Not that they could’ve know that. But why even take the chance?

With a little planning, and some restraint for God’s sake, they could’ve avoided putting me in this situation.

Even our local doughnut shop got in on the act by making this… 




That’s right. A black doughnut. I mean, I don’t even know how you’d make that without witchcraft or a terrible accident. But hey, there’s bacon on it so who cares?

Would this be happening if my birthday was on a weekend? I don’t think so. Will this keep me from having a stiff drink before 5 p.m.? Again, I don’t think so.

The one upside is that, being reporters, we don’t do math very well. As a result, my official youth death certificate is actually 10 years off…

Fortunately for me, we're too small a newspaper to have fact checkers
Fortunately for me, we’re too small a newspaper to have fact checkers

I was born in 1966. And yes, I plan to start using this as my official birth certificate. Unless there’s a senior discount involved.

All joking aside, I’m lucky to work with — and live in a town with — so many truly terrific people. I may be 50 today (or 40, depending on your source), but thanks to the people in my life I never think of my age in terms of a number. I’m blessed with a family that allows me to be who I am. Even when we leave the house together.

Looking back on my 40s, it was by far the best decade of my life.

So far, anyway.

I have every reason to believe the next 10 will be even better. Especially since, unlike my 40s, this decade will actually have some good Star Wars movies.

I guess what I’m saying is: Thanks, Mom and Dad. Your timing couldn’t have been more perfect.

But still.




I also want to thank all of you for being part of the community that means so much to me. You are part of the reason I wake each day inspired and living each moment young in spirit. Especially if you’re actually older than me…


Published by

Ned's Blog

I was a journalist, humor columnist, writer and editor at Siuslaw News for 23 years. The next chapter in my own writer’s journey is helping other writers prepare their manuscript for the road ahead. I'm married to the perfect woman, have four great kids, and a tenuous grip on my sanity...

69 thoughts on “When you celebrate your 50th birthday at work”

  1. Happy birthday Ned. I remember my 50th fell on a weekday and I had a fabulous day.
    Ten years on, my birthday (and our silver anniversary 2 days before) was again terrific. I had to blindfold the rubber duck as I luxuriated in the bubble baths of all bubble baths in a hotel. Then draped myself in a huge white fluffy towel and flopped on the bed to eat strawberries.
    Have a great day…….. doughnuts and bacon? New one on me. Enjoy!!

  2. Happy birthday, Ned! Having a bacon-topped donut and a stiff drink sounds like a great way to celebrate.

  3. Happy Birthday Ned! When I turned 50 I sat down with a bottle of 12 year old Glenfiddich single malt and decided what I would do with the next 50 years. 😀

  4. Well, if you are going to repeat your 40’s, I am okay with that. Especially with our 10 year anniversary of when we met is on the horizon this year. 😉

    But wait!

    This means that I am older than you …

    My Lord.

    I am a cougar.

    1. Hahaha! I can live with that, Sweetheart. Besides, everyone always thinks your much younger than I am anyway. Maybe I’ll stop being looked at as a cradle robber 😉 Not that I mind… XOXOXO

  5. Had I not held on tightly for an additional 6 hours, I would have been an April Fool’s Baby. According to my Mother, Cod Liver Oil was the only thing to make me let go. One: I don’t like to be rushed. Two: I had never thought to hold them accountable for my unfortunate date of birth. I think I’ll send them an email. :o)

      1. 9-9-99 would be a very cool birth date. April 1st isn’t. Unless you want to be a Clown. A Clown born on April Fools Day seems pre-ordained. And if I ended up in the Clown Industry I would be complaining that Mom didn’t try hard enough. Don’t show your son this.

  6. Happy birthday. Your column has given me many smiles on bad days, so I am happy to wish you a good one. I don’t know you well enough to give you a present. I would write you a poem because that is what I do but I really didn’t have any advanced notice. So my present is this. You look more like 40 than 50. Oh, and I am older than you.

    1. Your words are very appreciated and a wonderful present in themselves. Although knowing you’ll always be older than me is pretty good too 😉

      Thank you so much for the kindness.

  7. My parents were not thinking either, or they would have never had me on 8/26/66- that is right the last three numbers 666-
    Some things are just out of our control.

    Happy Happy birthday NED! Hope your fifties are as good if not better than your forties.

  8. Happy Birthday Ned. But I have to say that the doughnut looked disgusting! hahaha! It looked like a black pudding (I think you call them blood puddings) with a shrivelled something that looked straight out of a witchdoctors bag shoved in it!! I hope it tasted a lot better than it looked :0)

  9. Happy Birthday, Ned! Sorry you had to work on your birthday and eat a black donut. I hope by now you are enjoying an adult refreshment or two and surrounded by everyone who made your last decade wonderful.

    1. Awwww, thank you so much Mary. I haven’t gotten to that beverage yet, but am now off deadline and will be making a beeline for one — with those who, as you so aptly put it, have made my last decade so wonderful. Cheers to that and to you 😉

  10. My celebrating your 50th birthday at my work was less fun than I thought it would be. I hope your own birthday was way better.

    Happy birthday, Ned!!

  11. You’ve made it this far, Ned and with all hair intact. You’ve never been more ebullient or bouffant …

    Welcome to the club, my friend. This is the decade we realize we are the establishment and all the really good contacts are now our own peers! LOL.

    Happy Birthday, Ned. It’s a grand one, as are you.

    1. Maybe “having sex” in those days was different and didn’t involve any actual physical contact. You know, like airborne pregnancy. At least, that’s what I tell myself.

  12. Happy bday, Ned! If turning 50 means I get to have bacon on a black donut, then so be it. I was born on September 5, so my mom was only a few days off from having me on Labor Day. (ba dum ching)

  13. Happy Birthday… late Ned! Sorry I missed this post on your day. I was traveling and a little distracted trying to unwind from the wedding over the weekend. AND my birthday was the next day! I knew there was something special about you! You are a Leo after all!! They say 50 is the new 30? I wish I had my 30 year old body back..LOL!
    I hope you had a wonderful day and you are still celebrating! I know I am! Now I have to go and find a bacon/chocolate donut! What’s that about anyway?? 😀 ❤

    1. Hahaha! Leos… That explains everything! Happy belated birthday to you as well, Courtney! And if I were you, I’d be looking for a maple/bacon bar instead 😉

  14. First of all: Happy Belated Birthday
    Secondly: May I use your birth certificate when 50 happens to me next year?
    Third: Thank you for always making me laugh.
    And, without further delay – I’m going to stalk and see what you’ve been writing about.

    In closing, another visual regarding your parents. (This is from the birthday card I sent to my best friend)

    “Happy-nine months before your mother seduced your father and called him Big Daddy-Day”

    Sorry…too much???

    1. Hahahaha! I’ll need to find that card for my wife next year when she turns the big 5-0! For now, I’m learning to deal with being called a “cradle-robber” because she’s technically only 48 until October. In the meantime, I just keep calling her “Jail Bait.”

No one is watching, I swear...

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