I generally only watch nature shows on television when I want to appear as though I’m educating myself about something important, like the plight of the prematurely balding Rogainian monkey, when in fact I’m actually planning to do an independent study of the REM sleeping pattern on our couch.
However, while watching a documentary about the Kangaroo Sanctuary in Alice Springs, Australia, I discovered something I never knew:
I want my own kangaroo.
As I watched three babies snuggle together in a blanket and play with each other’s big floppy ears, I inadvertently let out a sound that my wife mistakenly thought was a joyful whimper.
“Was that you?” she asked from the dining room.
“What? No WAY! Ha Ha! It was the kangaroo babies.”
“It sounded like it came from the couch.”
“Must be the Surround Sound,” I said.
Don’t get me wrong. I love our two dogs. And we have a cat. But you can’t have fun boxing with your dog or keep snacks in its handy built-in pouch. And kangaroos even burry their own poop! Sure, our cat will do that, but it’s usually in one of my shoes.
The more I watched Chris Barnes, a.k.a. “Kangaroo Dundee,” spend time with the kangaroos in his sanctuary, the more I thought to myself:
That could be me.
Of course, I’d first have to justify having a kangaroo in our home. This would mean convincing my wife of the benefits. It doesn’t matter what our teenagers think because, in a few years, they’ll be gone, leaving their mother and I to nurture our loving, unmoody kangaroo baby. In fact, I’m going to list that as benefit number one! Having a kangaroo will fill the void left behind by our children. Sure, this won’t include filling the void of dirty dishes left in the sink, wet towels on the floor and no food in the refrigerator, but thanks to the love of our kangaroo baby we’ll adjust.
Another benefit is that kangaroos are very protective of family. While it’s true that dogs are just as protective, there’s no comparing it to the threat posed by a 6-foot-tall kangaroo boxing your face and then rabbit-kicking a would-be burglar through a window.
Kangaroos are also very quiet. They don’t bark when they’re mad or whine when they want something. Come to think of it, that’s another void our kangaroo won’t be able to fill once our teenagers leave home. Still, I’m going to list it as a benefit since it means our home won’t sound like a den of wild hyenas every time someone delivers a pizza.
Another benefit of having a kangaroo is that they aren’t very good at climbing stairs. Given that our bedroom is on the second floor, we’ll never have an intimate moment ruined because our kangaroo is staring at us from the foot of the bed, licking itself or barking to get in. It also means I won’t get squeezed out of bed in the middle of the night because, at some point, our kangaroo has wedged himself between me and the headboard.
Without question, the biggest obstacle in convincing my wife to get a kangaroo will be how big it could get. Though it takes a few years before they reach adulthood, once they do, it can be like living with another full-sized person. With a four-foot tail.
This has already got me thinking about an alternative; something kangaroo-like that my wife would be willing to compromise on. As it turns out, wallabies are members of the kangaroo family and much smaller. Naturally, the smaller size would mean little “Wally’s” pouches won’t be able to hold as many of my favorite snack foods. Plus, he probably won’t be able to fend off an intruder more than three feet tall. But he’ll be a “starter” kangaroo while I lay the groundwork for a full-sized kangaroo later.
I plan to talk with my wife about it tonight, right after I show her this wallaby photo…
*joyful whimper*
That wasn’t me!
I really need to turn down that Surround Sound…
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Ned's Blog 
I think you can handle it. If I hear of any kangaroos that are adoptable, I’ll give them your number.
Thanks, Sheila! They don’t even have to call first!
I found out at the Toronto Zoo, there’s also Tree-Kangaroos. Worth getting a couple, just to freak out the squirrels. And your mailman.
Wow! Really? I bet I could train one to sit on my shoulder, which would be fantastic. Especially at parent/teacher conferences with my kids.
Yeah!! 🙂
Hilarious as always! But I do agree, they’d make good security guards, scaring the shyte out of invaders, kicked right off the property, and hopefully no, doo doo left in your shoes. LOL 🙂
I may call you as a reference when I try to sell the idea to my wife 😉
No probs! LOL 🙂
SQUEEEEEEEEEEE!
Yes, that was me.
Incidentally, my husband came downstairs for something and I started reciting helpful kangaroo facts to him. “Kangaroos bury their own poop!”
“O-kay…”
“Also? Kangaroos are not good at stairs. So you’ll never wake up with a kangaroo in your bed!”
“Wait… are you thinking of getting a KANGAROO? Because I’m pretty sure that’s illegal.”
My husband, you see, exists to stifle my dreams. I didn’t even get around to mentioning the wallaby, because he started banging on about how many animals are already in the house and I had to tune him out.
LOL! See? If you had a kangaroo you could stuff your head in its pouch so you wouldn’t have to listen!
Ned…what the actual F#%[! Are you doing in my head. Seriously, ask the time stamp on my email will not lie. I sent an email to Shawna that started with I want a Wallabe. Ask her. Drop this in Linkyourlife and tag us. I need a Wallabe or Koala. Awesome
Wow! See? It’s Wallaby fever, Shareen!
I know right?
Let’s make it trend
Ha! Too funny Ned! The Bloggess found a wallaby rental company in Texas and rented one along with a sloth for an anniversary party.
Post: http://thebloggess.com/?s=wallaby
It is an option that you can use to convince your wife how fine it would be to have such a critter.
Thanks for the tip, Paul (and The Blogess)! Although I’m not sure my wife will feel the same 😉
I got a real kick out of this one…
Hahaha! *ouch*
Sorry. 😋
i think you need to learn the ‘willaby wallaby’ song and play it on a loop until the family gives in
Ha! Or they ship me to Australia…
Found you via Rob G. Delighted to explore your writing. ☺ Van
Van! Great to see you here. Ned is one of the funniest writers on the web and he has also been voted best blogger and sexiest blogger (for those of the other gender). You will truly enjoy his writing.
Thanks so much for the endorsement, Paul. 💛 💙 💜
Thanks Paul 😉 I had to pay a lot for the sexiest blogger title…
Bwahaha! Oh yeah? And how exactly did you pay? Eh? Nudge,Nudge, Wink, Wink.
Thanks, Van! Robert is definitely one of the good ones 😉 Thanks for coming by!
Mwahahahaha… *joyful whimper* … but I don’t have surround sound…
Just between you and I… We don’t have Surround Sound either….
Lol. Your secret is safe with me. It was probably the wallaby anyway…I hear they’re natural ventriloquists…over extremely large distances… yeah…
Exactly! I’m pretty sure they do fart sounds, too.
Likely, but only cute ones…Such as the the joyful whimper. Never the bellowing tuba…O.K. I really have to let this go now, don’t I? heh heh…
“Let it go.” I see what you did there…
I have a friend who lives in Australia. There are several kangaroos who live in her front yard and near her house. She has taken tons of videos of them!! I am going to try to go see her next year! 😀
LUCKY! Hey, can you bring me back a kangaroo?!? I’ll meet you when you get back! 😉
I think I can put one in my pocket… Ha ha! 😄 I really hope it works out for us to go. We are planning it so fingers crossed!
Whenever I am having ” one of those days”, you know where I want to kick someone in to a lake…I hop over to your blog, so I can laugh.
I always leave with a ” joyful whimper”….
Thank you.
I am so very glad to hear that, Kristin 😉
*joyful whimper* back