Me
n, by their very nature, are grillers of food. If you follow me on Facebook, then you know I love grilling everything from steak kabobs to bacon-wrapped bratwurst. This is because grilling, aside from providing men with a legitimate excuse to drink beer and play with fire, is actually a sign of romance and affection dating back to the discovery of fire itself.
We know this thanks to recently discovered cave paintings depicting what archeologists believe is a romantic meal prepared by a Neanderthal named Glork soon after the discovery of fire.
According to archeologists, the sequence goes like this:
Painting one: Glork makes a small fire using a careful mixture of embers, dry leaves, and an assortment of twigs. He then douses it with liberal amounts of highly flammable liquid, creating a massive fireball that scorches the roof of his cave.
Painting two: Glork adds a marinated pterodactyl drumstick to the fire and begins drinking an unidentified beverage.
Paintings three through six: Glork continues drinking a lot more of his unidentified beverage.
Painting seven: Attempting to capture the attention of an attractive cavewoman, Glork uses the flaps of his animal skin to fan the aroma of dinner in her direction. In the process, he inadvertently exposes himself, leading to the creation of what archeologists believe is the very first “Kiss the Chef” apron.
Painting eight: Enticed by the aroma, a cavewoman joins Glork, who, as a sign of affection, begins slicing her a piece of meat.
Painting nine: Though archeologists are still debating whether this final drawing depicts 1) his high level of infatuation with the cavewoman, or 2) his high level of intoxication after drinking too much unidentified beverage, ALL agree that Glork is clearly unaware that the flaps on his animal skin have suddenly caught fire and are threatening to engulf his drumstick.
Though millions of years have now passed, grilling remains an important tool for men when it comes to expressing feelings of romance. Unfortunately, just as it did millions of years ago, it also still involves a dangerous combination of beverage consumption, fire and, in many cases, some type of poultry item. To substantiate this theory, I offer these three words:
Beer-can chicken.
As you might expect, this grilling endeavor involves two essential ingredients:
1) a whole chicken body
2) a can of beer
As you might NOT expect, the beer isn’t meant to be used as a thirst quencher while you grill the chicken. On the contrary. The beer is meant to be inserted directly into the chicken cavity.
It’s worth noting that his recipe was first introduced in 1987, during a proctology convention catered by a then unknown Martha Stewart.
Now, just because this idea was first introduced by a woman doesn’t mean that beer-can chickens fly in the face of men. That’s because it takes a MAN to become so obsessed with refining a grilling process that it actually leads to the invention of a new cooking device specially designed to keep top-heavy beer-can chickens from falling over on the grill. As great as that sounds, to truly appreciate the magnitude of this product, you need to have experienced the frustration that comes with truling to keep your floppy chicken upright.
Because it’s embarrassing, a lot of men won’t even talk about it, even though most would agree that few things can spoil a romantic evening faster than a floopy chicken.
At least, that’s what I hear.
Anyway, here are a couple of tips that can help improve your beer-can chicken experience.
First, make sure that the beer can is open before inserting it into the chicken and placing it on the grill. If you don’t, there’s a good chance that your beer — once it reaches an internal temperature of 300 degrees — will become a propulsion system capable of launching your chicken to Mars.
And good luck trying to explain yourself to the folks at the Department of Homeland Security.
Secondly, and perhaps most importantly, never ever under any circumstances attempt to fan the flames of desire wearing nothing but a “Kiss the Chef” apron.
Especially if your name is Glork…
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(Ned Hickson is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation. This has been an excerpt from his first book, Humor at the Speed of Life, available from Port Hole Publishing, Amazon.com or Barnes & Noble.)
Ned's Blog 
Wasn’t there also a painting of the cave woman bonking Glock on the head for the mess he left in the counter?
Ummmm… It must’ve been worn off over time..?
But not the dent in the cave wall where Glork’s head hit after he got bonked.
That would explain a lot about my family tree.
I know you said to open the beer can first,but I loved those Estes model rockets in school, and this kind of sounds like a good challenge, how high can you get that chicken (meaning altitude). Pretty sure I read that Wernher Von Braun started out with a Pilsener Hochschnellen Henne!! mishap at a picnic.
Yes, chicken altitude is the true measure of success. Especially after a few Pilsners.
The Viking can’t be trusted with a grill. He ‘improves the design’ on everything he owns which essentially means he’s ruined it completely for simple tasks. I asked for a food processor for Christmas and received a Supercharged Turbine that can mince a car motor. Since grilling is not all about brute force, I handle it myself or risk receiving a small pile of charcoal on a plate for dinner. :o)
Lol! Yes, grilling is all about finesse!
And beer.
Mostly beer, actually…
lol
Wow, Ned, you really make history come alive!
It’s the beer.
Beer-grilled chicken? That sounds similar to my recipe of Grey Goose-grilled goose.
I’d like to take a gander at your Grey Goose-grilled goose.
I always complained that history was too objective when in reality it was really subjective. You make that so apparent Ned. Well done.
I used to watch The Flintstones a lot…
See? There’s the difference I suppose. I have given up on grilling, and just drink beer… No more over cooked steaks! Voila!
You’re a genius! Or an alcoholic. Either way, burned steak problem solved!
I’m a cavewoman who loves BBQ and beer…and bacon wrapped things. You’d think my husband has it lucky, but he gets in trouble for getting the grill dirty. Yes, like countertops, I clean the grill. Great post! Laughed and gained a new recipe. I might try wrapping bacon around the legs.
Thanks, Carli! And there’s nothing wrong with having grill-surface OCD. I’m the same way.
And just so I’m clear, your talking about wrapping bacon around the chicken’s legs, right? 😉
Ha, ha…let’s clarify that…yes, bacon around the chicken’s legs!
And sometimes women grillers know more, lol. I fired my hub from bbq duties years ago when lack of attention and leatherized meat became unacceptable. Now I run from the bbq to the stove, back and forth and I’m happy to say I’m a great multi tasker. LOL 🙂
I know who wears the “Kiss-the-Chef” apron in YOUR family 😉
Absolutely! 🙂
The post was hugely enjoyable as ever, Ned. I was also very taken with the very interesting costume the chicken is wearing in the photograph. Sporting a tin foil bikini like that, the trendy young chicken about town can block the evil alien space rays while still looking hot on the BBQ grill.
Thanks, Bun. I guess if you’re going to go out in a flame of glory, why not do it in style? I pan to wear a tinfoil bikini when I’m cremated…
I’m sure you’ll suit it every bit as much as your recent Marilyn Monroe outfit. 🙂
Come to think of it, they’ll probably charge me extra…
Haha! They may at that! 🙂
What does this say about us then? http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/beer-can-cabbage
Beer seems to be the important thing.
Oh my. Sometimes I can’t believe what you come up with. 🙂
I get that a lot, Lynette…
I am a master barbecuer and a woman, go figure.
That doesn’t surprise me one bit 😉
At least you know to call it “Grilling” and not Bar-B-Que! OMG! That drives me crazy! People who put food on a grill is not Bar-B-Queing! They are Grilling! Bar-B-Que is a type of food! It usually consist of pork or beef (can even be chicken) that has been marinated or covered with a rub, SMOKED in a smoker or a pit, then pulled from the bone and served with Bar-B-Que sauce. Some also like sides with it like baked beans, corn-on-cob, cole slaw and potato salad. It CAN also be fixed on a grill but it is absolutely NOT a Bar-B-Que if you put a steak, shrimp or any other meat on a grill and just cook it!! *steps off soapbox* That is all….
😛
Hahahahahahaha! You’re preaching to the choir, sister! LOL!
Oh I’m sure I am with you being a chef! I introduced real BBQ to some friends of mine in Michigan after they called “grilling” having a Bar-B-Que. I told them they had no idea what the real stuff was. I called my daddy and he put a Boston butt on the smoker for about 12 hours and I brought it back to MI after a trip home. I fixed all of the sides I mentioned above and said… “THIS is a Bar-B-Que!” LOL! OH… Ok, now we get it! Ha ha ha ha! I feel kind of bad because my daddy’s BBQ is the bestest in the whole world so now they compare anything they have to it. Oops! I also introduced them to biscuits and gravy and they won’t eat anyone else’s but mine 😜
Lol! Spreading the gospel of barbecue, Courtney!