Separating Thanksgiving fact from fiction with the help of Mr. Knowitall

image It’s been more than 300 years since that first Thanksgiving, when the Pilgrims and Wampanoag Indians sat down together in celebration and, much like the Americans of today, made a solemn vow not to eat more than your standard bull elk.

We know this because of a passage recently discovered in the diary of Pilgrim Edward Winslow, who described the first Thanksgiving like this:

Our harvest be large so that we might rejoice! Our plates and bellies be full to swelling! We have feasted on meats and gathered crops, and pies of sweet fruit!
Aye, I say! I think it be time to vomit!

— Edward Winslow, Dec. 13, 1621

In spite of this kind of irrefutable historic documentation, many myths still exist about one of our most celebrated holidays. For example: Did anyone actually eat the Indian corn, or was it just used as a decoration?

As a special tribute to Thanksgiving, I asked our resident Siuslaw News historian, Mr. Knowitall, to help separate fact from fiction about this important holiday. For the last week, readers were encouraged to send in their own Thanksgiving questions and, as a result, we were inundated with a truckload of mail. That’s right! In fact, there were so many letters that I was forced to utilize a highly complex selection process requiring dozens of volunteers, an empty office, and our wild squirrel, “Skippy.”

Before we get started, for those of you who might not be familiar with Mr. Knowitall, I should explain that, in addition to being our resident historian here at Siuslaw News, he is also our economist, consumer products expert, food critic, movie reviewer, foreign affairs consultant, science correspondent, and vending machine repairman.

Not necessarily in that order.

We chose him because of his vast knowledge on a variety of subjects, and because, conveniently, he happens to be here every Wednesday to re-fill the Cheetos. I know this doesn’t necessarily make him an expert, but he says he is — and, being a professional journalist, I believe him.

That said, let us begin.

Dear Mr. Knowitall: Is it true that the Pilgrims made popcorn on the first Thanksgiving?
Mr. Knowitall: Yes and no. By the end of the celebration, the Wampanoags noticed that no one had eaten any of the Indian corn they brought. When asked about this, each of the 56 Pilgrims said they’d somehow overlooked it. Not wanting to insult their guests, Miles Standish then offered to hand out the corn, but “accidentally” dropped the bushel into a fire pit. The result was the beginning of popcorn and the end of the first Thanksgiving.

Dear Mr. Knowitall: Why is there no traditional Thanksgiving song?
Mr. Knowitall: Because Weird Al Yankovic hasn’t written one yet.

Dear Mr. Knowitall: Why do we celebrate Thanksgiving on a Thursday?
Mr. Knowitall: Historians all agree it was most likely the day Native Americans and Pilgrims would’ve chosen in order to avoid a potential conflict with Black Friday shopping.

Dear Mr. Knowitall: What’s the best way to prepare a turkey?
Mr. Knowitall: That’s a tough question. Everyone has their own preference. Personally, I think it’s best to avoid eye contact. Just call it into the kitchen and don’t let it know what’s coming. The same goes for your guests if you happen to be serving Tofurkey; if you want them to stay, it’s best not to let them know what’s coming.

Unfortunately, that’s all we have time for today. I’d like to thank Mr. Knowitall for sharing his wisdom and helping to clarify some of the history behind Thanksgiving. In addition, I’d also like to tell him I’m sorry…

But we’re out of Cheetos again.


imageYep, this has been a shameless excerpt from my book, Humor at the Speed of Life, from the section: Inspirational Holiday Columns That Proved Lifethreatening. The book is a collection of my most popular columns over the years (as opposed to the kind I usually write). Looking for something more literary? My latest book, Pearls of Writing Wisdom: From 16 shucking years as a columnist, probably won’t help but is a writer’s survival guide offering tips, insights and inspiration to writers. Both are available from Port Hole Publications, or Barnes & Noble.


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Ned's Blog

I was a journalist, humor columnist, writer and editor at Siuslaw News for 23 years. The next chapter in my own writer’s journey is helping other writers prepare their manuscript for the road ahead. I'm married to the perfect woman, have four great kids, and a tenuous grip on my sanity...

38 thoughts on “Separating Thanksgiving fact from fiction with the help of Mr. Knowitall”

  1. Happy Thanksgiving from everyone in Canada (they gave me their permission to say that). I suspect you’re a busy man, so I hope you get a real holiday with your gang.

    1. Thanks Ross! And a belated Happy (Canadian) Thanksgiving to you. As you probably noticed I’ve been off the grid for about a week (just pretend) due to the flu. Just now getting caught up and am really looking forward to a few HEALTHY days off with my peeps. Cheers my friend!

  2. I’m definitely going to follow your advice on preparing a turkey this year. My usual lecture on the inevitability of death and how it would live on as part of me didn’t seem to work lately.

    1. According to Mr. Knowitall, the first football game was between the Pilgrims and Indians, when someone tried to steal the turkey and eventually punted it into the woods.

  3. thank god that you have cleared this all up for me. now i can eat my popcorn and fixins’ with glee and take on a ‘potbelly.’ or is that the stove?

  4. No Thanksgiving song? What about “Hello Mr. Turkey, how are you?” It was a huge hit in preschool, and I sing it every year while I stuff the turkey and try not to feel like a gynecologist.

  5. Well… that completely clears things up for me! sorta, kinda… well, not really. :-/
    I’m confused! Were the malls open on Thanksgiving back then? And was the popcorn all different colors when it popped?? And what about the Turducken? Did they like that? Everything is as clear as mud now Ned.. gee thanks! 😦

          1. I know! Right??? Ewww… but some people! Anyway! I like good old fashioned baked turkey and dressing (without the oysters) Bllllleeeech! gravy, mashed potatoes, sweet potato casserole, corn pudding, green bean casserole and homemade rolls and cranberry salad! OMG! Now I’m starving! LOL! I will have to settle for a bowl of cereal… *sigh* :-/

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