After reading about how the parents of LuLu Diaz gave their daughter $6,000 breast implants for her high school graduation gift, I couldn’t help but be shocked by the idea of a father agreeing to anything that would make his teenaged daughter more enticing to teenaged boys.
As luck would have it, I actually spent several years in my teens. Because of this I can tell you there are many teenaged boys who still haven’t made it past the “breast” portion of this column. Sadly, some may never finish reading it because, in order to break them out of their current hypnotic spell, it will become necessary for a close friend or family member to light them on fire.
Let’s face it: This is the nature of most men until the aging process inspires a level of physical maturity that dethrones sex as the main motivator. While there is no set timeline for this transformation, most experts agree it begins anywhere between six and eight months after death.
Until then, at least from a father’s perspective, men can’t be trusted.
Knowing this, I’ve already begun saving for our youngest daughter’s graduation gift, which will be an entire new wardrobe consisting of multiple pairs of sheet-metal pants and turtleneck sweaters made from chain-link. I may throw in a make-up kit as well, just in case she decides to lift her metal visor during conversation. I’m sure my daughter will thank me later for adding a degree of difficulty to the courtship process, which will eliminate those who aren’t persistent.
Or, at the very least, those without a blowtorch.
Naturally, my wife says I’m getting ahead of myself since our daughter is still only 13 years old. But time passes quickly, and in another 20 years she’ll begin dating. When I explained this to my wife, she laughed. Hard.
Mark Cuban has shown more emotional restraint.
For some reason, mothers are just better equipped to handle the whole dating prospect. I think it’s because — statistically speaking — they aren’t men. They don’t know what’s going through the mind of an 18-year-old boy. Well, I DO. And you should all be ashamed of yourselves. Especially you, the one with baggy jeans and pierced scrotum. I wouldn’t know that second part if you pulled your pants up once in a while.
I know what you’re thinking: What if she wants to attend a college that can’t be seen from home using the scope on a high-powered rifle?
I realize it’s important to establish a certain level of trust with my daughter in order for her to develop her independence; I have to encourage her to venture beyond the realm of my protection; I have to allow her a sense of freedom.
And I have to do it without letting her know she’s being followed by a private detective. How can I do this? Because, to a father, money is no object when it comes to providing his daughter with the false sense of freedom she deserves.
Fine.
Maybe I’m overreacting.
But she’s not getting breast implants for a graduation gift. Why? Because while LuLu’s parents say their “gift” is meant to boost their daughter’s self esteem, they have to see that things won’t end there. It’ll be a tummy-tuck at 19, then higher cheekbones and a thinner nose for her 21st birthday. By then, of course, it’ll be time to tighten that sagging 21-year-old chin. Eventually, when she’s completely unrecognizable and can’t pass through airport security without an X-ray of her head, LuLu will be happy and confident knowing she can, at long last, easily ditch her parents in a crowd.
While it’s true I want my daughter’s self-confidence to be grounded in who she is and not how she looks, I have to admit I’d also like to avoid the cost of expensive breast implant surgery.
The truth is, I’m flat busted.
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(Ned Hickson is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation. His first book, Humor at the Speed of Life, is available in paperback or eBook from Amazon.com, Barnes & Noble or request your signed copy from Port Hole Publications.)
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My Dad gave me a half demi-john of homemade elderflower champagne for my 18th, and gave me away to the wrong bloke (not his fault though) at 21.
Boobs or bust? Sad that this guy’s daughter should feel the need for it. Personally, I’d rather have a car.
Elderflower champagne sounds way cooler than boobs.
It was truly lovely, one of Dad’s best. I was exceedingly ‘happy’ and sang a lot. 🙂
You left out the bit about the dangers of elective surgery and how sad it is that LuLu is.willing to let someone shove a knife in her body.
That’s a subject for another column, without the laughs.
hahaha! 🙂 love this column and classic punch line! And I just wanted to mention, I’m in a serious relationship with a wonderful woman, who is NOT your daughter, please tell that guy in the shrubbery with the rifle he can go home now. He’s scaring my cat.
Fine, all call him off… for now.
On a serious note, I’m extremely happy to hear about your relationship, my friend 😉
Thanks, that little red light from the sniper’s laser rangefinder was getting to me. And seriously — thank you!
I’m fairly certain my parents gave me a dictionary and, maybe, a set of luggage for my high school graduation, but that might have been in the days before boob jobs. Hysterical column, and your daughter is flat out lucky to have you. 🙂
If my parent gave me the choice between luggage and a dictionary or boobs, I’d go with the luggage and dictionary. The again, I’m a man.
King of the pun- still reigning I see
I like being a royal pain.
I really do not understand the graduation gift of a boob job for an 18 year old girl, but I DO understand low self-esteem and wanting to do something to help that, but come ON! I was fortunate because my daughter started “dating” the boy she had been friends with from 7th grade. They broke up when she was 18 and that was horrible! She is almost 30 years old and I am still very protective and her husband should be glad I live 600+ miles away LOL! Grrrr… So I totally get being protective of YOUR daughter! 😉
The distance May not have been accidental… Lol!
Right?? 😂 I tried to get them to move to Texas but no go. I think he knows he shouldn’t live close enough for me to kick his butt because he knows I would! 😜
I like your thinking! Never know when you might need a youth who owns, and knows how to use, a blow torch. Not sure using your daughter as bait, to capture such a prize, is strictly acceptable to modern sensibilities. Perhaps an ad in Craiglist would be less troublesome all round… ?
Yeah, but not nearly as entertaining…
I don’t remember what we gave any of our girls for graduation. But I do remember that my husband was better at handling the dating than I was. He actually talked to the young men while I mostly just glared. The one rule we had was that any potential suitor had to make friends with our 90-lb German Shepherd (who didn’t like non-family members). A couple of them actually managed to do that.
You mean before they were eaten?
A few nearly did get eaten. But my favorite was the young man who came in, put on a brave face (you could see the terror in his eyes) and said “I hear I have to make friends with the dog. Let’s do it.” That dog absolutely loved that guy. Unfortunately, that young man died of cancer just a couple of years later. He was the love of my daughter’s life.
Sometimes those who leave the biggest impression in our leaves are with us for the least amount of time.
That’s just crazy. I didn’t hear about LuLu, but I have heard of others getting that same gift. My folks got me a suitcase for graduation. I wonder if they were trying to tell me something.
Hahaha! Me too! Must be a generational thing…
The idea of getting your daughter a boob job in order to bolster her self esteem is so ass backwards I don’t even know how people can logically consider doing such. They just told their daughter that her value is in her body, and only by altering her body to whatever standards they’re holding up for her will she ever feel loved and accepted. Now granted I’m a bit top heavy myself, where it came from nobody knows, all the women in my family are super jealous. And when I showed up to prom all decked out I turned a lot of heads, because normally I got mistaken for a boy because of how I dressed and the super short hair. But I’m lucky I grew up with a family, and especially my dad, who told me I was awesome just being me. I think you’re right about this “gift” ultimately leading her to other insecurities and her constantly feeling the need to change herself to fit someone else’s standard of beauty or normalcy. Though I can’t really help with the dating thing, I never dated until I was on the other side of the country from my dad. He didn’t meet my first husband till after we were married. I was smart enough the second time to bring my now husband home while we were just dating and get the proper vetting done before I made another mistake. Prior approval is always a smart idea.
I don’t understand that kind of thinking either, but I have to say your decision to include your Dad early on in the vetting process the second time around probably saved your husband’s life… 😉
Loved this. 🙂
Poor LuLu. She’ll have to live with the knowledge that her dad is part owner of her boobs for the rest of her life.
Ewwww! Hahaha! Let’s just hope he never asks her to return them.
This is still as good as the first time I read it. 🙂
We have been talking about what to give our children for graduation gifts. My son graduates in 2019 and my daughter in 2020. Not too far away. Our choices so far are: a newer car or a summer trip to a destination of their choice.
At times, I have considered just giving my teens a new destination…!
My parents gave me $6,000 breast implants for my high school graduation gift.
But I would’ve preferred they were attached to a girl…
(Yes, my game is off. Shut up.)