Your investments are safe, thanks to me and other financial dunderheads

image Given the state of today’s economy, it’s hard to know who to trust when it comes to investing your money. You could trust ME of course, but that would mean giving your money to someone whose greatest return on an investment came when I accidentally got a 75-cent candy bar out of a vending machine using only two quarters.

The truth is, I know absolutely nothing about the financial marketplace. This is why I currently do not own any stocks, bonds, treasury bills, money market accounts or, for that matter, any actual money. However, it’s because of this — and what the White House calls my “unique financial perspective” — that I was asked to join the Presidential Advisory Board on Corporate Fraud, where our motto is:

For every dirty business we wipe out, there’s somebody taking a bath.

It’s our job to sift through literally thousands of highly complex financial reports sent in by America’s corporations, and then analyze each one for signs of fraudulent activity. You may be wondering how someone like myself — with the financial IQ of a Rhesus monkey — could possibly hope to find ANY sign of shenanigans somewhere in the complicated maze of bookkeeping ledgers, profit statements, and Hooters receipts. Continue reading