Your investments are safe, thanks to me and other financial dunderheads

image Given the state of today’s economy, it’s hard to know who to trust when it comes to investing your money. You could trust ME of course, but that would mean giving your money to someone whose greatest return on an investment came when I accidentally got a 75-cent candy bar out of a vending machine using only two quarters.

The truth is, I know absolutely nothing about the financial marketplace. This is why I currently do not own any stocks, bonds, treasury bills, money market accounts or, for that matter, any actual money. However, it’s because of this — and what the White House calls my “unique financial perspective” — that I was asked to join the Presidential Advisory Board on Corporate Fraud, where our motto is:

For every dirty business we wipe out, there’s somebody taking a bath.

It’s our job to sift through literally thousands of highly complex financial reports sent in by America’s corporations, and then analyze each one for signs of fraudulent activity. You may be wondering how someone like myself — with the financial IQ of a Rhesus monkey — could possibly hope to find ANY sign of shenanigans somewhere in the complicated maze of bookkeeping ledgers, profit statements, and Hooters receipts.

It’s actually very easy. That’s because we’ve been painstakingly trained on how to study a document and quickly spot signs of fraudulent activity — such as finding a yellow sticky note with the words “fraudulent activity” written on it. Using this technique (based on the Evelyn Wood speed-reading method) we’ve been able to scrutinize the financial dealings of more than 600 hundred major corporations in just under 36 hours (including lunch breaks, naps and a tour of Washington D.C.)

And I’m proud to say I believe our efforts have had a major impact on ending corporate fraud because, so far, we haven’t found a single incident.

By itself, this may not be enough to restore your confidence in the financial marketplace. But remember this: The President’s latest economic stimulus package will soon be making its way through Congress. This new plan is the result of high-level meetings with economic advisors, corporate analysts and CEOs from around the country. In fact, the President is so sure of his plan that he said, in a direct statement to Congress, that he would personally be handling his package as often as possible, and that he wouldn’t stop handling it until the bill was passed.

“For obvious reasons, we hope the bill passes quickly,” said a White House spokesman.

So what does all of this mean to the average American?

Investment opportunity, of course.

However, being that I am now a member of an important government board that investigates corporate fraud, providing you insider information on investment opportunities could get me in really big trouble.

But I CAN tell you about an investment opportunity that will guarantee a one-quarter yield. The only catch is, you really have to like candy bars.

(Ned Hickson is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation. His first book, Humor at the Speed of Life, is available from Port Hole Publications, Amazon.com or Barnes & Noble.)

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32 thoughts on “Your investments are safe, thanks to me and other financial dunderheads

  1. Actually your candy bar thef…er…investment yielded a 50% return. After factoring in the profit margins of the candy manufacturer and the machine operator (Louie), that still comes out to … a net loss of 90%. Oh, well, never mind.

  2. When I read the phrase “Rhesus Monkey,” at first I felt sorry for the monkey, what with being the dunce of the primate kingdom and all. But then I realized that “Rhesus” sounds the same as “Reese’s.” That touched off a peanut butter cup craving, the indulgence of which has forced me to buy a new wardrobe consisting entirely of muumuus and makes the plight of some stupid monkey seem pretty irrelevant. And I didn’t even get any extra quarters, in case you’re wondering. Thanks for the great advice.

  3. I’m a graphic designer for an Asset Manager and let me assure you, the “professionals” don’t know SHIT. Not one of them saw the economic meltdown coming and they won’t see the next one, either. They’re swindlers, but that’s not the sad part. The sad part is they’ve always been there and they always will be. There’s no cure. Might just as well pin all your hopes on faulty vending machines.

  4. Reblogged this on Blissfully Single and commented:
    I love the image that goes along with this. I am right there with the author, I know absolutely nothing about investing. I do however, on a CD in the amount of $2500. That was the only way I could get a credit card. LOL

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