Tag: Entertainment

To mark this blogging milestone, I hope you like coffee

Coffee knocked over copy For anyone about to read this, I suggest sitting down and gripping the sides of your chair. And maybe even strapping on a helmet. That’s because this post marks an exciting milestone of COLOSSAL proportions!

No, I’m not writing about the Biggest Loser.

As if it wasn’t enough that this blog began six months ago TODAY, this also happens to be its 100th post!

Mere coincidence? I DON’T THINK SO!

… OK, yeah — it probably is. In fact, I’d guarantee it because, to be honest, I’m just not that organized.

But it’s still worth celebrating, right?!?

As I sat staring bleary-eyed at the monitor sipping my Mexican mocha, contemplating the appropriate way to mark this occasion, inspiration struck! So, some time in the next 10 minutes, each of you will be receiving your very own Mexican mocha! I can’t guarantee it will still be hot, or that the whipped cream won’t have turned to cottage cheese, but I can guarantee, when it arrives, the only person who will be more surprised than you is me. Continue reading To mark this blogging milestone, I hope you like coffee

Your space adventure awaits! And mine will just have to keep waiting

So you want to be an astronaut!

OK, neither do I. But suppose we did. And let’s suppose I didn’t routinely freak out anytime I’m launched higher than a pogo stick. Then we would all be very Civilian space flight excited about all the recent advancements in the area of private spaceflight. Even now, it is possible for us to take a “slingshot ride” to the edge of the atmosphere and back, providing adventurers like ourselves with a breathtaking view of the earth, a few minutes of weightlessness, and, hopefully, at least one change of underwear.

You’ll notice there are quotation marks around the phrase “slingshot ride,” which is the actual term one expert used in describing the flight so that people like me, with no aeronautic experience, could picture themselves being flung headfirst into the stratosphere by something resembling a giant jock strap.

This, of course, would never happen.

At least not in the U.S.

Thanks to the FAA, we can rest assured that any flight heading into the cosmos will first have to meet the same rigorous federal safety standards set by The Jetsons 50 years ago. Knowing this, spaceflight entrepreneurs have spared no expense in designing flight packages cool enough to justify the $98,000 per-person price tag, which includes a disposable flight suit and wacky souvenir vomit bag that reads: Sack launch. Continue reading Your space adventure awaits! And mine will just have to keep waiting

There’s no shame admitting you haven’t seen Janet Jackson’s breast

What did I miss?! Though it’s been nearly a decade since the introduction of the phrase “wardrobe malfunction” to the world vernacular during the 2004 Super Bowl, the fact that I missed that historic broadcasting moment continues to be the subject of ridicule by several of my so-called friends.

As luck would have it, in the same instant that 90 million viewers were gawking at Janet Jackson’s breast, I was picking a tortilla chip off the floor. The sequence of events leading up to that fateful moment went as follows:

1) While watching Janet Jackson dance in a highly suggestive manner, Ned inadvertently steps on a tortilla chip.

2) Being a polite guest, he reaches down for the chip just as everyone in the room shouts “HER _ _ _ _ IS SHOWING!!”

3) In a panic, Ned tries to knock his fellow guests aside but, instead, falls forward and lodges his head between the couch and coffee table, spraining his neck. Continue reading There’s no shame admitting you haven’t seen Janet Jackson’s breast

Ratings decline may require Oscars to get jiggy before things go wack

See how getting "Jiggy" saved the Intoxicated Karaoke Awards?
See how getting “Jiggy” saved the Intoxicated Karaoke Awards?
As you’ve probably discovered, we have entered the annual “awards show” season, which officially began with the Golden Globe Awards, and is due to wrap up some time in April, when David Hasselhoff hosts the coveted Intoxicated Karaoke Performance Awards live from Tijuana, Mexico.

Every year, I watch at least some of these awards shows because, as a columnist, it’s important for me to keep up with cultural trends. I also watch because seeing Nicki Minaj always makes me feel better about the way I dress. However, according to a recent poll, ratings for awards shows have actually dropped. So much so that programming executives are calling it “an alarming trend.”

Personally, I think the word “alarming” is a little strong. Continue reading Ratings decline may require Oscars to get jiggy before things go wack