Some Oscars have already been handed out — Not that anyone cares

imageHOLLYWOOD (sort of) — As excitement over the much-anticipated glitz and glamour of this Sunday’s Academy Awards builds throughout Hollywood, Oscar winners for Technical Achievement were the first to bask in the spotlight during an equally prestigious awards ceremony held last night at a lavishly decorated abandoned Blockbuster Video warehouse in Culver City.

The evening began with nominees arriving in style aboard rented school bus shuttles adorned with banners reading “On To State The Oscars!” Like any major Hollywood premier, beams of light criss-crossed the night sky as unemployed SAG members waved flashlights to keep shuttles out of the McDonald’s parking lot across the street.

“These members of the Academy deserve to be recognized for their achievements,” Academy president Cheryl Boone Isaacs said during a phone interview. “And just because we don’t know what they do exactly, or who they are, doesn’t mean their night should be any less special. Or held during the actual Oscars ceremony.”  Continue reading

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My final report LIVE from the Gravities! (I mean Oscars)

image Being a journalist, I am bringing you Academy Awards updates and observations throughout the evening LIVE! As they happen!

On my television…

In a surprise win, the Oscar for Best Picture went to “12 Years a Slave.” In his acceptance speech, Brad Pitt thanked the Academy and pointed out that “The best film of the year doesn’t have to be a big-budget, big star-driven movie like Gravity.” Moments later he was tragically struck by a falling chandelier.

What could be my last update LIVE from the Oscars (on my TV)

image Being a journalist, I am bringing you Academy Awards updates and observations throughout the evening LIVE! As they happen!

On my television…

Cate Blanchett won for Best Actress, becoming the first major award winner of the evening that wasn’t associated with “Gravity.” In an ironic twist, she tripped on her way out and landed on her face. Proving that everything actually IS associated with gravity.

Wake UP! I’m reporting Live from the Oscars! (On my TV)

image Being a journalist, I am bringing you Academy Awards updates and observations throughout the evening LIVE! As they happen!

On my television…

Okay, for those who have been unable to watch the Oscars this year due to unavoidable circumstances (The Walking Dead), here are the winners so far:

Anyone who had anything to do with the movie “Gravity.”

The Academy even created a new award recognizing the planet Earth for having gravity…

Yet another exciting moment LIVE from the Oscars (on my TV)

image Being a journalist, I am bringing you Academy Awards updates and observations throughout the evening LIVE! As they happen!

On my television…

I really thought I might win an Oscar for Best Live-Action Short since it was the only category Gravity wasn’t nominated in. I guess it’s about who you know.

And probably talent.

Another moment LIVE from the Oscars! (On my TV)

image Being a journalist, I am bringing you Academy Awards updates and observations throughout the evening LIVE! As they happen!

On my television…

Does anyone else find it ironic that the Outstanding Achievement in Sound award went to Gravity, a move that takes place in space — where there IS no sound?

Live from the Oscars! (on my TV)

image Being a journalist, I will be bringing you Academy Awards updates and observations throughout the evening LIVE! As they happen!

On my television.

We’ll begin with the red carpet, where stylist experts have been providing detailed descriptions of the extravagant fashions worn to Hollywood’s biggest night. For example:

“And there’ Mathew McConaughey wearing a white jacket and black tie. With him is his beautiful wife, wearing a pink dress. Oh, and there’s Jennifer Roberts in a striking dress!”

Wow. Great job, Seal.

Some Oscars have already been awarded — not that anyone cares

(As I mentioned a few weeks ago, I was recently convicted of asked to be an accessory to a staff contributor at Long Awkward Pause. Here’s this week’s incriminating evidence post…)

image HOLLYWOOD (sort of) — As excitement over the much-anticipated glitz and glamour of this Sunday’s Academy Awards builds throughout Hollywood, Oscar winners for Technical Achievement were the first to bask in the spotlight during an equally prestigious awards ceremony held last night at a lavishly decorated Blockbuster Video warehouse in Culver City. The evening began with nominees arriving in style aboard rented school bus shuttles adorned with banners reading “On To State The Oscars!” Like a major Hollywood premier, beams of light criss-crossed the night sky as unemployed SAG members waved flashlights to keep shuttles out of the KFC parking lot across the street.

“These members of the Academy deserve to be recognized for their achievements,” Academy president Cheryl Boone Isaacs said during a phone interview. “And just because we don’t know what they do exactly, or who they are, doesn’t mean their night should be any less special. Or held during the actual Oscars ceremony.”

Upon arrival, nominees stepped from their shuttles and onto the red carpet, where camera flashes erupted amid a frenzy of selfies. One overzealous autograph seeker had to be led away as he frantically waved a piece of paper, screaming, “Whose paying for these busses!” (Continue Reading…)

Ratings decline may require Oscars to get jiggy before things go wack

See how getting "Jiggy" saved the Intoxicated Karaoke Awards?

See how getting “Jiggy” saved the Intoxicated Karaoke Awards?

As you’ve probably discovered, we have entered the annual “awards show” season, which officially began with the Golden Globe Awards, and is due to wrap up some time in April, when David Hasselhoff hosts the coveted Intoxicated Karaoke Performance Awards live from Tijuana, Mexico.

Every year, I watch at least some of these awards shows because, as a columnist, it’s important for me to keep up with cultural trends. I also watch because seeing Nicki Minaj always makes me feel better about the way I dress. However, according to a recent poll, ratings for awards shows have actually dropped. So much so that programming executives are calling it “an alarming trend.”

Personally, I think the word “alarming” is a little strong. Continue reading