Men, by their very nature, are grillers of food. This is because grilling, aside from providing men with a legitimate excuse to drink beer and play with fire, is actually a sign of romance and affection dating back to the discovery of fire itself. We know this thanks to recently discovered cave paintings depicting what archeologists believe is a romantic meal prepared by a Neanderthal named Glork soon after the discovery of fire. According to archeologists, the sequence goes like this:
Painting one: Glork makes a small fire using a careful mixture of embers, dry leaves, and an assortment of twigs. He then douses it with liberal amounts of highly flammable liquid, creating a massive fireball that scorches the roof of his cave.
Painting two: Glork adds a marinated pterodactyl drumstick to the fire and begins drinking an unidentified beverage.
Paintings three through six: Glork continues drinking a lot more of his unidentified beverage.
Painting seven: Attempting to capture the attention of an attractive cavewoman, Glork uses the flaps of his animal skin to fan the aroma of dinner in her direction. In the process, he inadvertently exposes himself, leading to the creation of what archeologists believe is the very first “Kiss the Chef” apron.
Painting eight: Enticed by the aroma, a cavewoman joins Glork, who, as a sign of affection, begins slicing her a piece of meat.
Painting nine: Though archeologists are still debating whether this final drawing depicts 1) his high level of infatuation with the cavewoman, or 2) his high level of intoxication after drinking too much unidentified beverage, ALL agree that Glork is clearly unaware that the flaps on his animal skin have suddenly caught fire and are threatening to engulf his drumstick.
Though millions of years have now passed, grilling remains an important tool for men when it comes to expressing feelings of romance. Unfortunately, just as it did millions of years ago, it also still involves a dangerous combination of beverage consumption, fire and, in many cases, some type of poultry item. To substantiate this theory, I offer these three words:
As you might expect, this grilling endeavor involves two essential ingredients:
1) a whole chicken body
2) a can of beer
Though you might expect the beer to be used as a thirst quencher while you grill the chicken, it is actually meant to be inserted directly into the chicken cavity. It’s worth noting that his recipe was first introduced in 1987, during a proctology convention catered by a then unknown Martha Stewart.
Now, just because this idea was first introduced by a woman doesn’t mean that beer-can chickens fly in the face of men. That’s because it takes a MAN to become so obsessed with refining a grilling process that it actually leads to the invention of a cooking device specially designed to keep top-heavy beer-can chickens from falling over on the grill. As great as that sounds, to truly appreciate the magnitude of this product, you need to have experienced the frustration that comes with not being able to keep your chicken upright. Because it’s embarrassing, a lot of men won’t even talk about it, even though most would agree that few things can spoil a romantic evening faster than an uncooperative chicken.
At least, that’s what I hear.
Anyway, here are a couple of tips that can help improve your beer-can chicken experience.
First, make sure that the beer can is OPEN before inserting it into the chicken and placing it on the grill. If you don’t, there’s a good chance that your beer — once it reaches an internal temperature of 300 degrees — will become a propulsion system capable of launching your chicken with enough force to take out a Defense Department satellite. Truthfully speaking, this is about the only thing that can actually ruin a romantic evening faster than the aforementioned uncooperative chicken.
And good luck trying to explain either one to the folks at the Department of Homeland Security.
Secondly, and perhaps most importantly, never EVER under any circumstances attempt to fan the flames of desire wearing nothing but a “Kiss the Chef” apron.
Especially if your name is Glork.
(You can write to Ned Hickson at email@example.com or at the Siuslaw News at P.O. Box 10, Florence, Or. 97439)
25 thoughts on “A man’s guide to romantic cuisine—Step one: Insert beer into chicken cavity”
Ah Ned….I do love your sense of humor!!
Much obliged, Susan 🙂 You have a fan here, as well.
Thanks Ned! Have a great weekend.
Hahaha… I’ve had beer butt chicken before and it’s great. It was also reassuring to know the chicken had advanced prostate disease based upon our cursory beer based amateur proctology. It’s always good to know the chicken was going to die anyways and therefore wasn’t technically murdered, but was transitioned to the afterlife through our stomachs. Thanks Ned!
I am holding my sides with laughter! Thanks, I wrote two emotional posts today and I needed a pick me up. Again, thanks for the chuckles!
You’re so welcome — always glad when I can give someone a laugh. With my clothes on…
Thanks for the recipe! You should send it to Martha Stewart…
You’re welcome 🙂 And I did — she pretended like she didn’t know me. Go figure…
I love your sense of humor. Your post always at minimum make me smile but generally make me actually laugh out loud. I just wanted to say thank you-:)
Thanks so much for that 🙂 (your check is in the mail)
Great, I’ll look for it in my next life as I forgot to give you my address in this one-:)
Keeping the chicken upright is probably the most challenging part of this recipe. Is there a device that could keep the chicken in its place? Like using stakes to secure it over the fire pit or something?
They actually have a device called a chicken “rocket,” which is a beer can-sized cylinder with rocket-like legs on the outside that help keep it from toppling over. You slide the beer can inside the cylinder, and then the chicken over the top. Cavemen did not have this luxury. Then again, we didn’t have chickens the size of a VW bus.
There’s nothing like shoving a can of something up a Chicken’s yoo-hoo and putting it over an open flame!
BTW, highly recommend using a Dr Pepper can.
Absofuckingtabulous! And, yes, that IS to a word.
I actually cook my pulled pork with Dr. Pepper. It is absofuckamazing!
Ha Ha, loved the lighter vein in your post, Ned ol’ chap !
Tell me , could this experimentation be also construed as a case of “counting your chicken before it is……. grilled in this case? Even considering the scenario that in your inebriated state, you did remember to pop the beer can and them pour the contents into the warm interiors of the chicken, what next? When the chicken sizzles on the stick and the beer frizzles inside, what could you do to relieve the pressure? And were you not to be mindful of this, what consequences could you catalyse?
In curiosity……. Shakti
Well, Shakti, I would imagine it would be similar to The Hurt Locker, except in this case it would be flying chicken shrapnel…
Great post – thanks for the chuckles!
Your welcome, Lynette! Thanks for reading 🙂
Very funny! During all the cave painting scenes I imgained Gary Larson’s depiction of cavemen. My friend likes to insert alcohol in all his food as well… but for his sake, he is just trying to be fancy.
Haha! I was a chef for 10 years before I became a columnist, and I remember when infusing/injecting alcohol into meats was the rage. I saw a guy inject rum into his chicken nuggets once (that’s not a euphemism for a body part or anything — the nuggets were from McDonald’s). He said it was delicious; I think he must’ve drank most of the rum before he bought the nuggets…
Hahahaha!! I usually just drink wine while cooking, and never any left for injecting into my food haha.
Hahaha! Exactly — If we were meant to eat meat with alcohol in it, more chickens would be alcoholics!