Teaching a child to bowl is truly a bonding experience. And by that I mean you should really consider taking out a bond before entering the bowling alley.
As someone who escaped the experience of teaching his five-year-old nephew to bowl with only a minor skull fracture and minimal orthodontic surgery, I feel I’ve acquired a level of expertise that could be helpful. Let’s begin with shoes. Changing into your bowling shoes while in the carpeted area will give you a false sense of security, making you less prepared for the realization that walking in tractionless shoes on a highly-waxed surface is a lot like strapping soap bars to your feet and trying to cross a wet mirror.
Ironically, children have the natural ability to perform double axels over the same surface. Which isn’t to say that you won’t; it’s just that theirs will be on purpose.
When it comes to selecting a bowling ball with a child, remember: At some point it will be hurled backwards and into your stomach, chin, and/or groin. So go light, and make sure the child’s fingers fit the holes snuggly. A ball that’s moving out of control but still attached to a small child can provide you with an extra two seconds of reaction time.
As most bowlers know, delivery style is a crucial element to success. A curve or spin placed at just the right arc can mean the difference between a strike or split. Fortunately, you won’t have to worry about either since a child’s delivery is closer to something like this:
Walk up to line.
Lift ball over head.
Throw ball straight down.
Get soda while ball is moved by earth’s gravity toward pins.
It’s at this point that the bowling alley’s manager will offer your child free, personal instruction that begins immediately.
Next, don’t forget to ask for bumpers, which are metal gates about six inches high that extend to block the gutters and keep the ball in play. In addition to that, consider bringing along some extra fencing [chain-link is best] that can be attached to the bumpers. Though the metal gates keep the ball in play, the fencing will ensure that play remains in your lane.
Finally, it’s inevitable that children become infatuated with the ball-return mechanism, which, as I explained it, is sort of like a giant throat that hacks up bowling balls from somewhere beneath the lanes. At some point, children will begin hovering around it in spite of your warnings that ball-return machines have been known to suddenly switch into reverse and suck small children into them, where they are forced to live as pin-setters until released by a 800-series bowler.
This warning makes no difference to a 5-or 6-year-old drawn to the mystery of the ball-return machine. Which brings me to my final suggestion:
If you have children that bowls, always keep a spare.
(You can write to Ned Hickson at nhickson@thesiuslawnews.com, or at Siuslaw News at P.O. Box 10, Florence, Ore. 97439)
Ned's Blog 
I survived bowling with my ex’s kids….the scar is always a funny reminder. 😉
No scars here, except for the emotional kind… 😉
Glad you came out unscathed!!
Thanks, Susan — but I still won’t enter a bowling alley without an athletic cup.
Very wise, Ned!! Very wise. 🙂
This is hilarious because it’s so true! I’ve got a crooked toe to prove it!
I’ve never tried bowling with my feet, but I guess it’s possible… (just kidding)
Awesome — I just “liked” myself instead of posting to Facebook… What a narcissist I am 😦
I always feel the same way when I make that little slip-up! I’m glad to know that I am not alone!
Thanks for saying that! Now I don’t feel like such a dork. Or at least not alone in my dorkism.
I’m a charter member of the dorkists….
The thought of a kid actually being sucked into the return mechanism had me in splits (destructive thoughts make me laugh, I don’t know why). The tractionless shoes thing couldn’t be truer–I’ve seen a bunch of 21 year-olds hurtling down the alley because of them!
Yeah! I was trying to put together an image for my post that had a kid’s feet sticking out of a ball return. Had to settle for the bowling-ball-lying-in-the-crotch shot. Both destructive and, like you, both funny to me 😉
We didn’t have bumpers when I was a kid; you build character with gutter balls! That’s the trouble with kids today, they’ve been protected from failure. What’s next, baseballs on tees?
Sadly, I’ve heard rumors about such things…
I’m about to take a group of high school students bowling next week. Which means I should really learn to dodge since they will be looking for a way out of their next essay …
Hahahaha! I’m thinking football helmet and umpire’s chest protector. And maybe a titanium shield. And that’s just on essay day… 😉
Another great spin through life according to Ned, delivered with great spin and punch. So much fun!
Many thanks, Renee! Can’t wait for T-ball season… 😦
I don’t have kids, but I have seen the backwards thrown ball and its affects on the mentoring adult behind. You are a brave man.
I hadn’t thought of myself as a mentoring adult behind, but that pretty much sums it up 🙂
last time i bowled the ball flew off my hand backwards and bounced behind me like i saw once in an episode of the flintstones, so i can identify except that i, as the adult in the equation, am the danger. probably will not be in the pro bowl anytime soon. enjoyed your take on the experience.
And here I was thinking that was one of the activities I could do with my little nephews. I think the seaquarium it is!
You are a wise woman, especially if you don’t bring a bowling ball 😉
A great post to read on a Tuesday morning – thanks! 🙂
Thanks, Lynette. Just wait until Wednesday… 😉
Bowling with five year old is dangerous. Bowling with a three year is even more stressful. I’m always afraid my son is going to drop the ball on his toes. Not only that, but he always strolls over to the next lane to see what other players got going on!
Inquisitive is great! Sounds like he could be an in-house instructor by the time he’s five! Maybe invest in some steel-toed bowling shoes, just to be safe 😉
Can you imagine organizing a kids birthday in bowling alley? I do not bowl, and have no kids. I am safe
If there isn’t a bowling alley within three blocks of where you live, then yes, you are safe. Anything within that range is subject to being a bowling ball drop zone when kids are involved 😉
Until now I was just afraid when I see a lot of kids at the same place. I will keep this in my mind for the time I have my own.
Good plan 🙂 And if they have bowling balls, just keep moving…
Oh trust me, I do not have problems with running :). Even wearing high heels 🙂
As always so funny!!!