A glimpse of the zombie apocalypse on… The Door

The Door, in all its journalistic glory, as long as no one is flushing on the other side.
The Door, in all its journalistic glory, as long as no one is flushing on the other side.
Because we’re a smaller paper, many people don’t realize the Siuslaw News was the first to break the story on an impending zombie apocalypse, as this week’s edition of The Door (of Shame, Blame and Brilliance) will prove.

For those of you who are joining us for the first time, quite possibly because you have been preparing for the zombie hoard after seeing the people who shop at Wal-Mart after 10 p.m., The Door is an actual door in our newsroom where journalists at the Siuslaw News have been taping, tacking and, in some cases, using unidentified adhesives, to glorify the best and worst newspaper items since the 1970s. The Door is a journalist’s Mecca of sorts, to which we face each Tuesday and reverently ask The Great Editor:

How could yet let this happen?!?

Before we look upon The Door, we must follow a sacred ritual passed from generation to generation, beginning with this one, in which we join hands and repeat the following phrase in a monotoned voice similar to actors in a church youth group DVD about the virtues of abstinence:

The Door is a beacon, drawing us into the jagged rocks of journalism.

As I mentioned, we at the Siuslaw News broke the story on zombies as far back as 2001, when we wrote about a local man who had invented his own in-ground purification system. Mr. Cole graciously explained how it works and showed us the housing unit for the filtration system, as seen below. Unfortunately, our press plant wasn’t as gracious, and accidentally flipped the color plates before printing. As a result, it looked more like a movie still from The Walking Dead episode, when a zombie infects the well water on a small farm.

Would you drink water from this man's well?
Would you drink water from this man’s well?

As it proclaims above The Door in or newsroom:

We get it right, or we don’t get it at all.


Published by

Ned's Blog

I was a journalist, humor columnist, writer and editor at Siuslaw News for 23 years. The next chapter in my own writer’s journey is helping other writers prepare their manuscript for the road ahead. I'm married to the perfect woman, have four great kids, and a tenuous grip on my sanity...

52 thoughts on “A glimpse of the zombie apocalypse on… The Door”

  1. “We get it right, or we don’t get it at all.”

    Sometimes people just don’t get it. At. All. πŸ˜‰

    And no, I would not drink water from that man’s well.

  2. Oh yay, TUESDAY!! There’s no better day! Unless it’s Sunday!!!
    And the perfect mantra, “We get it right, or we don’t get it at all.” I could not love it more.

    Ned, if you have a spare moment, would you be so kind as to settle an argument I’ve been having with myself since I first ventured onto your page? What, pray tell, is the correct pronunciation of “Siuslaw?” I’m freakin’ tired of mumbling the name of your newspaper every time I encounter it. Not to mention sorely put to shame. And now I’m gettin’ straight-up angry. Those damn Indians …

    1. Hahaha! It’s pronounced Sigh-you-slaw with no pause between. At some point, one of my posts for The Door will include the many ways Siuslaw has been spelled over the years by solicitors and letters sent in. We have them all pasted in a corner on The Door. As long as you don’t pronounce it Sew-WEEE-slaw you’ll be fine πŸ˜‰

      1. I’ll be anxiously awaiting that piece. And then doing a cross-comparison to see how many of the alternate spellings resemble my alternate pronunciations. I would never have guessed the correct (and now quite obvious) choice on my own. Must be a lesson in there somewhere … something about making things more difficult than they would have to be …

  3. The Door is a green beacon, drawing us into the luscious frocks of Daisy’s promised land.

    Now we know where Willy Wonka sent the Oompa Loompas who couldn’t make the candy factory cut.

            1. Let me try that again, with more oxygen to my brain and no auto-correct…
              (begin Hee-Haw music)

              I have the same rule, unless his name is Richard Deadwood! (Hee-HAW!)

  4. Take a smurf, cut off the fuzzy white tale and you have a zombie…. all the result of Brainy smurf’s not so practical joke. And if you think that comment is strange… what was that about going into Walmart, especially after 10 PM ! ? !

  5. I LOVE your doooooooor!
    And I live in the deepest of the south. I own swampland. It’s most valuable to me. You never know when you might need swampland…..as for drinking it…
    That’s not the usual thing id use it for. Naw.

                1. Graduation was great; I’m so proud of her. She was my first and easiest. She was born an old soul. The other three, however, are making up for it!

                  I’m making my gumbo for the firehouse competition this Friday. The cook-off is Saturday against 10 other departments from all over the state. Took third last year with my BBQ pork; I think we’ve got a chance to sweep this year with gumbo, shrimp checca appetizer and chocolate carmel volcano cake πŸ˜‰

                2. Wow! Congrats to you and yours as well, Lisa!

                  This year’s appetizer is required to include bay shrimp. I’m making checca, which is olive oil, fresh garlic, fresh basil, a dash of Kosher salt and diced tomatoes. You let that marinade for a couple of hours and serve with bread. I’m going to add the bay shrimp to it as my appetizer, about 15 minutes before we serve it so the tomato acid doesn’t “cook” the shrimp and make it chewy. It’s also really good tossed in linguini with fresh parm cheese.

                3. Sounds de-lish!
                  I should send you the cookbook from the outer banks. It’s old southern seafood and such recipes from who we call “The Capt”. He’s quite the cook down here. Maybe give you a few new recipes.

  6. Brilliant – he looks fab. The world is zombie mad at the moment – we even have our escape plan ready in case of attack here. I wonder ow he felt when he saw the picture in the paper though.

No one is watching, I swear...

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