(If you’re someone who doesn’t normally have flashbacks on a regular basis, but wants to start having them, this blog can help! And without expensive prescription medication or those annoying side effects, such as abdominal bleeding, thoughts of suicide or liver failure! That’s right! Welcome to Flashback Sunday, when we dig into the archives to a time before I had any readers who weren’t in the coma ward at Hackensaw Hospital; back when talking openly to a woman about your blog led to slap in the face; back when “Freshly Pressed” was a dry cleaners on Crenshaw Blvd. Today’s flashback is from 2004, when readers of my newspaper column wanted to know how my first season of men’s softball was going. You’ll be sorry they asked. I know I was…)
A few weeks ago I mentioned joining a men’s softball team after not participating in anything athletic since (conservative estimate) the golden era of dodgeball in the early ‘70s. In response, I have received letters and emails offering encouragement, support and, in an isolated incident, a lucky athletic cup from someone named “Derek.”
Admittedly, I was curious as to what qualified this particular cup as “lucky.” His response should be a lesson to us all regarding the dangers of continuous baseball usage.
“I used to get hit — there — almost every game,” Derek explained. “Sometimes two or three times. But my [censored] never got hurt.”
Though he didn’t mention it, I suspect Derek also has a “lucky” batting helmet.
Regardless, many of you have expressed an interest in knowing how the season is going, whether I’ve had a hit yet, if jock itch has been an issue, and how much time I’m spending in right field. I think Patsy Sullivan from DeSoto, Texas, summed it up best when she asked:
Have you quit yet?
As I told Patsy, I’m not a quitter. In fact, I expressed this to my teammates during a recent huddle, when we found ourselves down by two runs heading into our last at bat, which inspired me to throw my hand out and chant, “I WON’T QUIT YOU!”
After an uncomfortable moment in which all 13 of my teammates guzzled beer simultaneously, we decided to stick with “RUNS!” as our chant. Afterward, we also decided I would be required to submit all chants on paper before any team huddles.
Craig Pearson of Lake Powell, Ariz., wanted to know how we’re doing in the league standings. Currently, we are 3-3 after losing to our local radio station’s team. I should mention that KCST is undefeated, thanks to a hard-hitting line-up, ironclad defense and a team of players committed to avoiding any mistakes that could send them back to Cuba. To our credit, we did manage to keep things close — at least until KCST’s timely clutch hitting sparked a 12-run rally late in the bottom of the first inning.
Until then, it was pretty much anybody’s game.
Nancy Smythe of Atlanta, Ga., asked how I’d rate my personal performance so far this season. I can answer that question in two words that, coincidentally, just happen to be my official softball nickname:
That’s right. When our team is tired of running bases during a two-out rally, I’m the man they turn to. In our last game, the outfielders actually left on a beer run when I came to bat. I’m happy to say I made them regret that decision by connecting on a line drive that knocked over their beverage cooler.
To answer a question from Pete Schuster of Cleveland, Tenn.: We’re not the best team; we’re not the worst team. However, I’m pretty sure we’re the only team with a certified horticulturalist in the line-up.
This is very helpful because, in addition to being a good ballplayer, this individual also knows that chopped beach grass, distributed evenly within a beverage, can cause a person’s throat to swell shut for as long as three to four inn…
I mean approximately an hour.
Hey, he only mentioned this so we could recognize the symptoms; just in case one or more of our opponents suddenly drop to the infield clutching their throats; possibly even during the play-offs. Until then, I’ll keep standing in right field with my glove held high. Who knows?
Something might even land in it.
(Ned is a syndicated columnist for News Media Corporation. You can write to him at firstname.lastname@example.org, or at Siuslaw News, P.O. Box 10, Florence, Ore., 97439)
28 thoughts on “Answering your painful questions about my softball season”
There is no shame in being a daisy picker. Or a nose picker.
Do you still play?
Thanks. I’m pretty proud of some of the things I’ve picked. And no, I haven’t played since I joined the fire department. Since summer is our busiest response season, I keep my commitments minimal. If it doesn’t involve flames, beer or my family, I don’t get involved until October.
I would imagine some of your prize pickings are on the back side of the Door.
Your commitments are admirable. So you are a fart lighter?
You know me too well.
Seriously. Are you with the government or local library? They’re the only ones who know about my picking habits.
And yeah, I’ve been a volunteer FF for about four years. I’m the senior engineer at my station, which I think might be more a reflection of my age than experience.
I called your editor. She was watching you mine a nugget through the office surveillance system when I called.
Don’t discount age. We old guys make good seniors.
We all know about the surveillance camera. I mean, how many offices have a teddy bear hanging from the ceiling holding a flower pot? Sometimes I purposely spin it, then listen to our editor vomit in the next room. She has motion sickness really bad.
And I’m OK with getting “older.” As long as they keep the discounts coming…
We don’t have a teddy bear. We just have pictures on the wall of our owner, with the eyes cut out. Every once in a while a crazed lunatic emerges from behind a wall and plays “Working for the Weekend” on an old pipe organ.
As long as an old organ doesn’t come out of an eye hole, consider yourself lucky.
So how’s the softball season going, Ned? 😉
Lol! You’re funny!
I believe you can score from first base, in Europe, where they wonder why our auto races run “anti-clockwise.”
I would do well in Europe.
Which Euri-nation would you choose?
I’m Danish, so that would be my choice. Otherwise, Spain — my wife’s from there. And I love Spanish food 😉
Glad to see you are fielding questions and covering all the bases. We can never say Ned dropped the ball. 😀
Every team needs a rally killer, it’s what keeps it interesting lest you head towards giving the other team a thrashing and the continuous scoring would grow tiresome. When this all grows old you may consider a career as a rodeo clown?
I’m a father of four, so I can include that in my rodeo clown résumé.
You may be overqualified
Ha! You may be right. Three of them are teenagers, so I’m used to dealing with a lot of bull.
Firefighter, father of four, married, competitive cook, full time job, successful blog. Heck, where do you find the TIME? Sometimes I feel so very, very small…..
Geez, when you put it like that… What the heck’s the MATTER with me?!? 😉
Seriously, though, I’ve always believed time is much more valuable then money. And if you can spend your life doing the things you love, that’s about as “wealthy” as you get.
Yes, when you are old and none of your parts work anymore you will have…..memories! 🙂
I’m counting on it 😉
I can’t quit your blog…I mean, Runs!
This one made me laugh a lot. I love horticultural vengeance humor.
Lol! Thanks, Paul 🙂 I was at my daughter’s softball game a few months ago and the team she was playing joined hands as one girl yelled, “What do we want?!” to which the team chanted, “RUNS!” Then as they went back to the dugout I heard one girl mumble, “That didn’t sound right.”
Thanks for not quitting me.
I’m glad that one girl was paying attention. By any chance were you at that game in full gear, ready to be called into the game during a clutch moment?
HAHAHA! Yeah, to dust off the plate 😉