I’ve never, ever had too much coffee. Until now.

I hope to blink soon.
I hope to blink soon.
Not until settling into my spot here at the library, for what I hope is the last day of manuscript revisions, did I begin to suspect I may have had too much coffee this morning. My first clue was a remark from someone I was chatting with who, in mid-sentance, suddenly remarked: “Did you know you never blink?”

I laughed. “Of course I do. I’m blinking right now.”

“Um, no. You’re not. Seriously β€” can you blink?”

The problem began last night, when I stayed up until midnight working on the final draft, then was up again this morning at 5 a.m. for a walk with my wife. We drank coffee together at a small diner along the way, then came home to more coffee. Then another cup during my Thursday morning visit with my Mom β€” followed by a trip to the drive-thru at Dutch Bros for a large Carmelizer before arriving at the library.

The second clue to my over-caffeination was a trip to the men’s room, where I laid down what we firefighters call “an aggressive and sustained attack” that lasted through two urinal partners.

The good news is that I’m definitely awake and being productive. The bad news is that my eyeballs are drying out and I am on my eighth urinal sidekick.

If the book goes well, maybe I could become the spokesman for Visine and Depends..?

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Ned's Blog

I was a journalist, humor columnist, writer and editor at Siuslaw News for 23 years. The next chapter in my own writer’s journey is helping other writers prepare their manuscript for the road ahead. I'm married to the perfect woman, have four great kids, and a tenuous grip on my sanity...

81 thoughts on “I’ve never, ever had too much coffee. Until now.”

  1. β€œan aggressive and sustained attack”: Laugh! I was worried all that coffee was going to give you the trots, so I’m a might relieved. (As I’m sure you are.)
    For whatever reason, today I was thinking of the time I watched “Blue Velvet” after consuming far too much coffee. Now that was an intense viewing.
    Good luck with the final stretch. My bladder and I salute you.

        1. Just finished it, my friend. Really great stuff. But I wish you’d left Dr. Hook out of it. By the way, a HUGE congrats on getting FP’d again! That’s fantastic πŸ˜‰ Cheers!

        1. That’s actually one of my pet peeves. I have hammered that home with my boys. One night, I went in and found the seat peed on after one of my sons was in there. I wiped it off, then sprinkled it with water and had him come in after he was asleep. I had him sit down on it and he jumped up immediately. “What’s on there?!” he asked. I said, “My pee. How does it feel?”

          He ALWAYS lifts and lowers the lid now πŸ˜‰

  2. lmao @ β€œan aggressive and sustained attack” that lasted through two urinal partners…they must have imagined they were part of a practical joke

    1. No doubt, that shared experience will bond them for life.

      *20 years from now, sipping a beer on the anniversary of The Day*

      “Hey, remember when that guy at the library..”
      “Just sip your beer β€” I still don’t want to talk about it.”

  3. Have you never seen the spiders on drugs experiment? The ‘spider on caffeine’ web is particularly useless. I am concerned πŸ˜‰

  4. You are the absolute opposite of George Costanza from the Seinfeld episode where he kept winking constantly! Aside from your apparent coffee high, your day sounded just lovely!!! Your work will soon pay off! πŸ™‚

    1. I really appreciate that! πŸ™‚ Telling me I’m the opposite of George Costanza, I mean. For a second, I thought I was getting short and pudgy and didn’t know it. Whew! πŸ˜‰

      1. Haha! You have absolutely no resemblence to him at all! But your situation reminded me of his ability in that episode to constantly not stop blinking/winking, haha. I think Gorge Costanza would not be a fire fighter… as it also figured that he ran out and stampeed a small group of children at a children’s party as he made his way out the door when somenone screamed “FIRE!” lol.

        1. LOL! I remember that episode! It’s one of my favorites! Especially now as a FF πŸ™‚ I don’t think I ever mentioned it, but Tom Cherones, who directed the first five seasons of Seinfeld, is a friend off mine. He lives here in Florence and just published his first book through the same publisher I am signed with. We play a lot of Frogger together πŸ˜‰

          1. That is awesome!! What a small world πŸ™‚ Please pass on that I can find life wisdom in just about anything from any Seinfeld episode to Tom Cherones. Be careful with the Frogger game!! Stay off the very busy streets! lol πŸ™‚

  5. Congrats on getting so far on your book!! πŸ™‚ Coffee is so freaky, it even changes the smell of one’s urine. Crap – I almost said flavor there, but that’s not my thing. Not judging! Yes I am – that’s disgusting!

    1. Hahahahaha! That’s why I always drink flavored coffee. I’m considerate that way. I’m talking abiut as a way to keep my urine from being smelly. Not as a flavoring.

  6. Perhaps the library can install a small ceremonial plaque bearing your name right over your ‘throne,’ in a ‘Washington slept here’ mode, in anticipation of your literary success. They can lay claim to having been a part of this whole process. ) beth

  7. You definitely should be the “before” wizzer for the benign prostatic hypertrophy commercials. Hey, at least you know your prostate is not enlarged…Now just wait until you come off that caffeine high….

  8. So. I decided to have a look at some of your older stuff and I came across this one, and I am back to crying!! I am laughing so hard, and I haven’t even got past the picture yet! Don’t know if I can make it to the story…. need a break… be back later… OMG…. just OMG…

      1. Oh sure! . It is quite amazing how much you can convey with a single look. You were so meant for pictures! And OK, videos too. Thank God you can throw writing in there too. I think you’ve got a future in this kid. πŸ˜‰

          1. All kidding aside again… your comment about walking with your wife, “Thanks, Steve. All kidding aside, I can’t think of a better way to begin or end my day than with her”…..
            One of the best things I’ve read on any blog. You are a good man Ned. Now, I’ll leave you alone. Until the next post…

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