Suffering from postal identity crisis on… The Door

The Door (of Shame, Blame and Brilliance): Sentinel of journalistic history and guardian of our commode since 1971.
The Door (of Shame, Blame and Brilliance): Sentinel of journalistic history and guardian of our commode since 1971.
For the moment, the government shutdown has offered a reprieve from the constant media attention The Door in our newsroom has been receiving. The fax machine is silent, which we assume is because Morley Safer has been re-assigned to the capitol instead of faxing threatening images of his rear with the words “You Will, Crack!” scrawled across the top. Likewise, it’s been 24 hours since Keith Morrison or Geraldo Rivera have made an attempt to enter the building in disguise — the last of which was actually done together, when they pretended to be Russian circus clowns seeking asylum in our newsroom. Once again our front office girl, Misty, blew their cover, growing suspicious when “Geraldy the Clown” kept asking her if she wanted to “see Al Capone’s vault some time.”

While things are quiet here at Siuslaw News for now, it’s only a matter of time before the governmental play date between the democrats and republicans ends, and media interest in The Door resumes. First-time readers of this weekly feature are probably asking, “What IS The Door?” and “Why would there be so much interest in it?” and perhaps the most frequently asked question: “How did I even get ON this site?”

While the last question will probably never be answered, I can tell you that The Door (of Shame, Blame and Brilliance) is a journalistic Mecca and home to the best and worst examples of print media clipped and pasted to our newsroom door by reporters since the 1970s. Think of it as the Smithsonian of journalistic history, or as Ann Coulter once called it, “Highly significant in its historical context, and also in the damage it would inflict if slammed in the face of every whining diaper-baby liberal grabbing this country’s teat.”

I don’t know about all that, but it does represent 40 years of hand selected print media faux pas — intentional and otherwise — that have either arrived at, been printed in or collected by reporters at Siuslaw News.

Which brings us to this week’s feature from The Door, an exhibit we call: The Many Ways to Spell Seyus Sewi Sislaw Siuslaw News.”

However, before we begin we must join hands and repeat the following chant in a monotoned voice similar to roll call in the Capitol after what I’m sure was a long night of drinking negotiating:

The Door is a beacon, drawing us into the jagged rocks of journalism

Let us begin…

With a name like Siuslaw News (pronounced Sigh-You-Slaw Gnus), I’m sure you can imagine the creative ways we’ve seen this newspaper’s name spelled on envelopes and mysterious packages that have arrived at our office over the years. Once, during the era of anthrax scares, we did receive a package with a white, powdery substance clearly visible on the taped edges. It was addressed to our previous editor at “Silislaw News.” Fortunately, our postal person figured out who it was for and dutifully placed it at the front desk, after which he clapped the powder from his hands and left. After calling the police and evacuating the building, we nervously watched the bomb squad deactivate what turned out to be a box of powdered donuts from a new bakery in neighboring Reedsport, Ore.

image

Apparently, they thought we were a law journal...
Apparently, they thought we were a law journal…
Yes, this is a cover sheet from Morley Safer.
Yes, this is a cover sheet from Morley Safer.
Possibly from a marijuana grower.
Possibly from a marijuana grower.
It's a good idea to at least get the right newspaper, even if it's misspelled.
It’s a good idea to at least get the right newspaper, even if it’s misspelled.
I'm not sure if they are referring to our name or our delivery speed.
I’m not sure if they are referring to our name or our delivery speed.
Top clarify, we don't do hair.
Top clarify, we don’t do hair.

And don’t even get me started on the ways I’ve seen “Hickson” spelled…

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Ned's Blog

I was a journalist, humor columnist, writer and editor at Siuslaw News for 23 years. The next chapter in my own writer’s journey is helping other writers prepare their manuscript for the road ahead. I'm married to the perfect woman, have four great kids, and a tenuous grip on my sanity...

46 thoughts on “Suffering from postal identity crisis on… The Door”

            1. You know how certain aromas take you back to a certain time in your life? That combo brought me back to earlier this morning in my bathroom at home. But at work, it just seemed out of place.

              Kind of like me.

              Reply

    1. Lol! Maybe I should have a contest…? How fun would that be?! The winner gets a choice between a copy of my book or one-year subscription to the Suis.. Sewis.. Seysl… the newspaper! 😉

      Reply

        1. I already slapped him on the ass — or mule, actually — and he’s on his way. If he doesn’t arrive by Jan. 2, let me know. His Visa could be revoked.

          Or was it a Mastercard?

          Reply

    1. Yeah, the PandaCam blackout will be talked about for generations to come — and I mean by the many Panda generations that will be spawned while they finally have some privacy… 😉

      Reply

  8. I can totally relate, even though I’m not a newspaper. I once got a letter where just 2 out 8 letters of my name were spelled correctly. And it was from one of the supposedly best universities in the US.

    Reply

      1. I loved it … but then I’m hardly what you would call … er, anything really.

        Hope you enjoy it and, if you can remember (after a few sleeps), I would love to know what you think of it. It was a great change from car chases, explosions and Bruce Willis.

        And it had Kevin Spacey who I adore … his hair isn’t as nice as yours though. Perhaps your hair should have its own blog?

        Reply

  12. Not sure how anyone could get Swiss Law News wrong 🙂

    I live next to a city called Kaukauna – we have more issues with people pronouncing it than spelling it, though. Usually, it is pronounced Kahu-Kahuna, as if it were a beautiful Hawaiian city. Unfortunately, it is not. The other main mispronunciation is Cow-Cowna. It is supposed to be KuKawna.

    Reply

      1. Unfortunately our local papers folded a long time ago, so we just have a regional paper now. It’s too bad because the Kaukauna Kazette was a good paper 😉

        Reply

  13. i love these and if i was there i would spell and pronounce it, “silly slaw” – this could either be something the one aunt always brings to family events and involves raisins and clear jello and leaves – or – a children’s toy, hybrid of silly string and silly putty. just so you know.

    Reply

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