As I’m sure you can imagine, being a humor columnist, I am constantly working up a sweat. In fact, I can already feel perspiration forming. By the end of this paragraph, I will be a drippy, sweat-stained mess. Most people don’t know it can take hours to finish a column. The reason has nothing to do with procrastination, writer’s block or even the ability to Google history of Star Wars universe; many of us humor columnists simply become too sweaty to operate our keyboards without sliding off and potentially endangering ourselves and others. Newsrooms everywhere understand this, which is why we are often placed in special cubicles that are refrigerated.
Or at the very least equipped with a drain pan.
Yet somehow, beverage companies continue to overlook us as potential thirst-quenching icons when developing trendy ad campaigns. Chances are, you’ll never see a commercial featuring a humor columnist at a keyboard with green Gatorade streaming out of every pore in his body. Or witness a humor columnist emerge from a droplet of Propel fitness water and do a back flip out of an office chair (which we often do, by the way, sometimes for no reason at all.) That’s because our segment of the beverage-buying market is considered too small to worry about, even though, as analysts have shown, it is a powerful one, at least in terms of odor.
According to the advertising people I spoke with, the key is finding a beverage product that fits the humor columnist profile; something that seamlessly combines beverage consumption and sweaty writing; something that speaks to millions of thirsty consumers and tells them:
Hey, what you really want is a beverage that tastes funny.
I had given up on finding such a beverage until this past week, when I opened a package containing what has to be the strangest soda concept since New Coke. In this case, we’re talking about quenching your thirst with the crisp, refreshing taste of “Broccoli Rice Casserole.”
Or “Salmon Pate’.”
Or my personal favorite, “Brussels Sprout.”
Apparently, the folks at Jones Soda Co., who produce these flavors as part of a limited-edition “Holiday Pack” each year, are aggressively targeting a niche market known in the advertising world as the “gagging consumer.” This became clear during an impromptu taste test I held here in our newsroom, where all 10 of my test subjects preferred drinking these sodas over, say…
The taste of bile.
I knew right away I’d found my product. Who better than a humor columnist to promote a beverage that is marginally preferred over stomach juice? I immediately contacted Diana Turner at Jones Soda Co. and informed her of my availability.
I then called her back and explained I meant as an advertising icon.
After careful consideration that seemed to go on forever but lasted closer to four seconds, I was told that the goal of the “Holiday Pack” was to raise $150,000 for children’s charities, and that paying for a “beverage icon” would mean less money for those charities.
I told her I was cheap.
She said every dollar counts.
I agreed to do it for free.
She asked me to please stop calling her.
As it stands, I still haven’t become a beverage icon, and it doesn’t look like I’ll become one anytime soon. Until then, I’ll just have to quench my thirst for becoming a promotional figurehead by consuming these extra bottles of “Turkey & Gravy” soda.
That’s if I can hold onto them with these sweaty hands.
(Visit the Jones Soda Co. website at http://www.jonessoda.com to find out more about its fundraiser for St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital and Toys For Tots. You can write to Ned at Siuslaw News, at P.O. Box 10, Florence, OR. 97439, or at nedhickson@icloud.com)
Ned's Blog 
i didn’t know you were a humor columnist, ned.
🙂 🙂 🙂
Yeah, I get that a lot. Especially from my editor… 😉
I dont think anyone has yet to produce the taste of snot or bedpan remains.
You could be sitting on gold here.
I’m not sure “gold” is how I’d describe what I’m sitting on…
Maybe a change of pans?
That could be in order here. All-you-can-eat at the Mexican buffet last night…
So did they at least send you a Holiday Pack? 🙂
Yes, two! A Thanksgiving pack and Christmas pack. So far the top stomach turner: Tofurky soda, with Beets as a close second.
And for the record, chilled or unchilled, they are just as horrible 🙂
LOL That’s good! Enjoy the horribleness 🙂
You should find a job that pays a lot to be funny at (clearly I wasn’t an English major). Not a funny job mind you.
I’m halfway there; every time I get my paycheck, I can’t help but laugh.
That’s great. Every time it get a paycheck I tend to cry at how much is taken out.
Haha! Mine is a defense mechanism I have; I laugh to keep from crying at how little there is to take anything out from.
Ned, If you can send me a contact and address for Jones Soda, it would be greatly appreciated.
Sincerely,
Charles White
SVP Relationship Management and Morale
Abu Ghraib Prison
Atlantic Ocean
Lol! I think having first-strike capabilities to launch Brussels sprout soda could end the Syrian crisis.
If you ever decide to create a vlog of your office, you MUST have it narrated by David Attenborough, who would explain that whole back flip thing beautifully!
His people are talking with my people.
Probably about the weather…
If you are passed out over a keyboard very often, you would think a beer company would want to sponsor you.
That’s a great point; I’m tired of sponsoring them for the last 20 years…
I must try this, I fancy being a beverage icon …
Not that I sweat, you understand … I don’t even perspire, being a LADY. I merely ‘glow’ … in a spookily radioactive sort of way.
Now who can I get to produce a ‘whelk and anchovy’ soda …
Hmmmm, if you could put that concoction into the head of a missile, the North Koreans might be interested…
I just vomited in my mouth…
Are they working on a liver and onions flavour?
I wouldn’t be surprised.
Just so I know, are you asking out of interest, or because you’re looking for something to wash the taste out of your mouth? 😉
Just a little treat for my kids the next time they complain about what I’ve made for dinner.
“No problem kiddos, have some pop instead!” Yummy!
LOL! I like the way you think! 🙂
You are a very … odd man…I like you.
I hope you’re not expecting me to defend myself against that statement…
Defend? No I expect you to wear it with honor.
Just like my favorite old sweater 😉
I see so many possibilities – internationally inspired beverages: haggus, bird’s nest soup, beef bourguignon, sushi…
Please don’t send those ideas to Jones Brothers, in case they actually use me…
What?! Not even volcano roll or sake sashimi? Surely, those flavors would be harmless 😉
Yes, after I’m dead 😉
I’m prepared to change jobs with you. You’re shit seems better than mine… I mean your work crap… Dammit. Sometimes people say I have a one track mind. I disagree.
Remember: The crap is always greener on the other side of the fence, depending on how long its been sitting there.
sometimes I’m just to amazed for words…
My doctor told me that could be the first sign of dementia… 😉
i almost shot my nacho grande fire supreme dorito loco volcano juice right out of my nose when i read this )
That must be in the Cinco de Mayo holiday beverage set…