“She kept repeating a passage from the book. Something about mowing over Ned Hickson’s hibachi,” said officer Bill Schlependorf, head of the local landscape crimes division. “We tracked her down by forming a grid. Then we stepped out of the grid and followed a six-foot wide path of debris through a series of hydrangea bushes to her shed. That’s where we found her, still clutching the book and mumbling that she would ‘…show Ned what a REAL mower looks like!'”
The woman was arrested without incident and was later released, also without incident. The investigation has now turned to the book, and determining what role it may have played in fueling the bizarre event.In response, lawmakers on Capitol Hill have promised to introduce legislation for a nationwide ban on reading my book while operating any type of lawn-mowing equipment. Known as the MamaMickTerry Bill, it could pass as early as this spring, just in time for the height of lawn-care season.
“Once it passes The House, I’m confident it will be signed into law,” said Senator Orrin Hatch, who happened to be vacationing near MamaMickTerry when the incident occurred. “It’s all about timing. And until this season of The Bachelor is over, there’s really no point in trying to get anything passed unless Chris Harrison becomes Speaker of the House.”