“She kept repeating a passage from the book. Something about mowing over Ned Hickson’s hibachi,” said officer Bill Schlependorf, head of the local landscape crimes division. “We tracked her down by forming a grid. Then we stepped out of the grid and followed a six-foot wide path of debris through a series of hydrangea bushes to her shed. That’s where we found her, still clutching the book and mumbling that she would ‘…show Ned what a REAL mower looks like!'” Continue reading
Another compelling photo contributed by members of the elite HATSOL (Humor at the Speed of Life) surveillance team has arrived, providing evidence that 1) Canadians love sharing a laugh with their pets, and 2) Canadian pets aren’t as easily amused.
As always, we’ve gone to great lengths to protect the identity of the individuals in the photograph, utilizing the latest technology to ensure their privacy isn’t jeopardized. So don’t even bother asking me who it is because I won’t tell you. And definitely think twice before trying to trick me into revealing their identities with some clever device, such as pretending to ask an innocent question like, “Hey, isn’t that Whats-his-name and his dog So-and-so?”
Due to my years of training as an investigative journalist, my conditioned response will be a swift, “No, that isn’t Whats-his-name and his dog So-and-so, and I wouldn’t tell you it was Ross Murray and his dog Bella even if it was — so don’t even try.” Continue reading
This means that, in addition to the possibility of a class-action lawsuit, it’s time for me to begin Phase Two of my genius promotional plan:
Gathering anonymous surveillance photos of book recipients.
This will be accomplished through a network of what I’ve been told is “The best group of undercover photographers money can buy, without exceeding a budget of $45 and various Taco Bell coupons.” Because the scope of Phase Two is growing fast, new members for this elite surveillance team are needed.
And for many of you, that’s probably enough enticement. Continue reading
Depending on how your office Christmas party went, some of you may remember last week’s Holiday Blog Hop, hosted by Gliterary Girl Media, and how fate — in the form of a random drawing involving nearly 50 names and a wild, blindfolded squirrel named “Skippy” — meant some unfortunate soul was going to win a free copy of my new book, Humor at the Speed of Life.
I’m here to report, after completing an arduous selection process with the help of “Skippy” (followed by a brief visit to the emergency room),
an unsuspecting victim a lucky winner has been selected!
What is particularly exciting is that, even after being informed of what she won, Colleen at the blog Slow Writer is still willing to accept her prize! In fact, in that dizzying moment when she received the heart-pounding news, her exact words were: “Oh, great… Wait! Isn’t there a coupon for a free Bloomin’ Onion on the back?!?” Continue reading
The kindness of fellow bloggers never ceases to amaze me, especially when it comes to anything viral. In this case, I’m talking about something I got from Tom Nardone, who, in addition to being a hilarious and insightful writer, is a giving person. In fact, he gave me this highly infectious book promo video. Being a decent person, he called me all the way from South Carolina to let me know the infection is spreading. After finding this out, and because I’m not sure if this will be covered under America’s new health care, I felt an obligation to let all of you know.
That said, you can have yourself checked out by clicking here.
For those wanting to receive immediate treatment, you can purchase Humor at the Speed of Life here, without a prescription, and get things cleared up by Christmas…
Welcome to this week’s edition of Ned’s Nickel’s Worth on Writing, when I draw upon my 15 years as a columnist to offer pearls of wisdom which, much like pearls from an actual oyster, started off as a small irritation before natural mucus secretions created something rare and highly coveted. But don’t just take my word for it! Many of today’s most prolific authors have referred to my weekly NWOW as:
“Something … actual”
“Highly … written,” and
“A rare … secretion.”
Awww shucks! Enough with the accolades!
This week’s NWOW is going to be a bit of a departure because, as you can see, the shameless self promotion of my book has begun and, to be quite honest, I am discovering I have a natural God-given gift for discouraging people from buying it.
Maybe I’m too honest.
Maybe I’m not polished enough at schmoozing.
Maybe I have a subconscious desire to leap naked into a pool of lukewarm Carmel Nog coffee.
(Yes, I realize that has nothing to do with promoting my book, but I think it clearly illustrates just how truly BAD I am at this.) Continue reading