As a public service to men everywhere, I am hereby issuing the following announcement:
If you are married, have a girlfriend or, for reasons of your own, feel a need to continue the charade of dating a Swedish airline stewardess who is always out of town, it’s time to start planning something romantic. For those of you in the latter category, this will be easy since the only person you have to worry about pleasing is yourself.
And, yes — I plan to clarify that last statement immediately.
What I mean is that every male currently in a relationship with an actual living female could, by Feb. 15, all be dating the same fictitious Swedish airline stewardess should they fail to impress their Valentines. As a result, men everywhere are panicking because we know that impressing the women in our lives isn’t easy. We realize that you are complicated creatures who need more than a physical connection when it comes to romance; you also need an emotional outlet in order to feel satisfied.
Men, on the other hand, just need an outlet located near the television.
Metaphorically speaking, even if romance was a TV channel, and suddenly every station on the planet went out except for that one, it still wouldn’t make any difference because, let’s face it:
Men would curl up in a fetal position and require regular changing.
It’s not that we don’t want to be romantic. We just have a hard time expressing our emotions and allowing ourselves to become THAT vulnerable again so soon after the Super Bowl.
However, we realize how important this is and will try anyway because we care.
Sure, fear does play a small part, but mostly it’s because we care.
For this reason, I thought it would be a good idea for us men to stick together and, through the power of the Internet, call upon the romantic wisdom of men from throughout the world — and hopefully come up with at least ONE good idea.
To do this, I established a special chat room designed to gather helpful tips from some of the world’s most romantic men. What follows is a direct transcript taken from that 30-minute endeavor.
Me: Hello? Hello? Anybody?
I’m sad to say the only hit my chat room got came from someone called “Luvmonkey,” who wanted to chat about things that had absolutely nothing to do with monkeys. This left one final option, which was to race across the Internet, where I discovered some interesting Valentines traditions from other countries that — by comparison — could make even the most romantically challenged man appear to be…
Well — less of a love dunce, anyway.
First stop: France.
I started here because, as everyone knows, the French are the world’s greatest lovers, a fact that was confirmed by a random poll of more than 300,000 Frenchmen. According to tradition, it was customary for the French to hold a drawing involving young unmarried people, who would go into houses facing each other on the street. They would then call out from window to window, chanting: Vous aux tre mon ami, which, roughly translated, means: My bidet is clogged.
Following this tender courtship, the occupants from both houses would then emerge and, in a fit of uncontrollable passion, secretly confess the name of a good plumber.
I also tried Italy, which customarily had young people in Rome gather at a large, ornamental garden to hear music and poetry — after which they would stroll off in enamored pairs to look for broken sprinkler heads. This custom ended recently when it was discovered that the garden had no irrigation system, leaving Italians to ponder what its young people have been DOING all this time?!?
Okay, to summarize what we know so far: we’re in big trouble, and neither the French or Italians are going to help us.
So, I’d like to personally offer a few romantic tips that men can use this Valentine’s Day.
Tip number one is to bring flowers to your Valentine. This seems pretty obvious. However, I should point out that, even if you don’t remember them until Feb. 15, the gesture will still be appreciated by your Valentine since she can just bring them to your funeral.
Tip number two is to cook her a romantic dinner. That said, keep in mind that dinner by candlelight is always romantic; dinner by flaming-chicken light, however, is not. So if you can’t cook, don’t. Sure, she may be impressed with your take-charge attitude as you “stop, drop and roll” with a blazing chicken thigh, but more than likely the mood will fade once you both realize…
Well — you’re on the floor with a flaming chicken.
And my final tip: If you plan a surprise getaway in which you whisk your Valentine away for the weekend, make sure you carefully pack everything she will need. Because no matter how nice the hotel is, no matter how incredible the view, and no matter how wonderful dinner and dancing might be, none of it will matter if you forget to pack any actual clothing. Which is easy to overlook when you are still angry at the French and Italians.
To ensure you remember everything, I have developed the following fool-proof packing technique that goes like this:
Step one: Dump everything from the closet, dresser and bathroom into Hefty bags, even if some of the items appear to be components to the Mars Rover.
That’s it — there is no step two. Trust me, she will appreciate the gesture. Especially if it means avoiding a flaming chicken thigh.
That is, unless you’re dating someone nicknamed Luvmonkey; they seem to be into that sort of thing…