RELEASE THE SQUIRREL!!
Wait! Before you start rifling through your official Winter Olympics program in search of an event that neither you nor the Olympic Committee knew existed because it’s on at 3 a.m., I should clarify that this battle cry has nothing to do with an Alabama-style Biathlon with live squirrels.
What it means is that it’s time once again for The Box, an exciting Tuesday feature that combines the drama of investigative journalism with the thrill of a wild, blindfolded squirrel. Think of Keith Morrison teaming up with John Quinones, except that Keith Morrison has rabies and might bite John Quinones.
Each week, I put my 15 years of journalistic experience to the test by identifying a randomly chosen photograph that has remained unclaimed in our newsroom since as far back as the 1980s. What makes this weekly feature unique is the photo selection process, which involves:
1) Me dumping The Box of photos directly onto the floor, and;
2) Yelling “RELEASE THE SQUIRREL!” before turning “Skippy” loose in our newsroom.
The photo nearest the first person who screams is selected!
Don’t worry if it doesn’t make sense; it’s probably just the rabies! But you can trust me when I tell you that I utilize my years of investigative journalism experience to identify the individuals and circumstances within the photo. Past discoveries have included: the very first Jesus photo bomb, a senior citizen Viagra smuggling ring, and evidence that aliens not only exist but have a terrible fashion sense.
Before I reveal this week’s photo, I should explain that the biggest mystery still remains:
How did a photo from the S.S. Titanic end up in our archive of unclaimed photos?
Being a professional journalist, believe me when I say I didn’t just see her hat and those chandeliers, then jump to some half-baked assumption.
My assumption was, in fact, completely baked when I determined that this was unquestionably an authentic photo taken of “Rose” aboard the Titanic — probably by “Jack.” How do I know this? Sometimes you have to go with your gut. And my gut tells me those are the eyes of love…
I have to admit, when I saw this woman holding what appears to be a digital camera, I momentarily questioned the validity of my conclusion…
Like any good investigative journalist, I dug deeper and examined the photo more closely. That’s when I noticed something only a trained journalist’s eye would catch. If you didn’t notice it, don’t feel bad! When I showed this photo to Barbara Walters, not only did she overlook this subtle clue, she also called my conclusion “Cwap.”
What was the final clue proving the photo’s authenticity? Look closely…
Oops, sorry — not that close. We’ll put some ice on that in a minute. But first, see the woman in question? She’s wearing tiny white gloves. No one wears white gloves anymore! This confirmed that the photo was, indeed, completely authentic.
And as for that thing she was holding, which at first glance appeared to be a digital camera? It was probably a pepper grinder. Or make-up compact. Or the box containing the Heart of the Sea necklace.
Regardless, although we’ve been able to positively identify that this photo is of the real “Rose” from the S.S. Titanic, and that she looks nothing like Kate Winslet, solving the mystery of how the photo ended up in The Box continues.
But if I had to guess — which completely goes against my training as an investigative journalist — I’d say it came in with that big blue door that leads to our editor’s office.
(Ned Hickson is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation. His first book, Humor at the Speed of Life, is available from Port Hole Publications, Amazon.com or Barnes & Noble.)
49 thoughts on “Evidence found in our newsroom suggests ‘Rose’ looked nothing like Kate Winslet”
“I have to admit, when I saw this woman holding what appears to be a digital camera, I momentarily questioned the validity of my conclusion…”—Hahaha. Maybe she’s Rose the time traveler. Surely that’s a spin to the Titanic saga someone will give a go of.
Aaaagh! Don’t even THINK that!
You had me at “Keith Morrison has rabies”. Another brilliant deduction. 🙂
Thanks, Susan 😉
And I think John Q. is just the man to put Keith out of our misery!
I’m enjoying your book immensely. I have to remind myself when I am reading to leave the red wine on the table, but I have escaped major disaster to this point. My only regret is that I did not save the envelope with your address. Would you mind emailing it to me?? Pretty please….I promise you have nothing to fear. 😀
I’m so glad to hear it, Susan! About the book and any averted wine catastrophes 😉
And I’ve already survived an elicit syrup delivery from Canada, so I feel confident I can handle whatever you might send 😉
I will my address along shortly!
Thank you! 😀
Don’t care, as long as Leonardo Dicaprio dies at the end.
And I hope the blue door hits him on the way out…
I heard there is a plan to make a Titanic sequel (the movie, not the ship). Maybe it would resolve the mystery of the digital camera.
That sounds really exciting. Sort of like a sequel to Aviator. And another opportunity for Leotardo to run around frantic and sweaty in a period costume.
You probably can sell ice to Eskimos and they’d believe whatever you told them. 😀
How do you think I got my wife? Not that she’s an Eskimo… 😉
You smooth talking fellow, you. 🙂
I am flabbergasted, but that’s nothing a good belch won’t take care of.
I appreciate you keeping it to a belch…
I wouldn’t suggest the big belch while on the bike naked though.
That made me think of when I was a kid and used to put playing cards in my bicycle spokes because it sounded like a motorcycle. I don’t know why Steven being naked and belching made me think of that…
Let’s not analyze it. Some things should just be left alone…and some people, but that’s off topic and so is the rest of this comment thread.
I prefer turbo.
Fuel injected, of course.
Of course. Super methane.
Haha! Not that I need to say it, but you’re a total gas…
And UH!! 😉
i thought it was bruce jenner.
That’s why I’m a professional.
you might be surprised.
I saw “The Crying Game” and had already figured out way before the big reveal that the guy was actually Scottish, so…
Ned, there is a faint possibility that you may have been scammed – although it is more likely that someone very devious has tried to hide the fact that the picture was actually taken on the Titanic for nefarious reasons. Although I must say, when the photo is blown up (or whatever the correct photo journalist term is), it becomes obvious that your manicure is excellent – even at 20 times magnification of original. Very nice – setting a high manicure bar for any other “jurnalists”. Unfortunately, that appears to be the only real item in the photo – your thumb. So, I’ll make the case that someone tampered with the original to try and hide the real Titanic connection. It took a keen eye, the bull-dog like tenacity of an award winning writer, and a towering intellect like you to see through all the “planted” evidence to the reality. Aside from the digital camera in the photo (after all there could have been a time traveler aboard who accidently left the camera lying around):
1) Resolution does not fade until about 15 X – only in digital originals unless the original was rephotographed in digital to attempt to disguise it
2) Pixels are apparent at 20 X – granted, there could have been another “time-traveler” dropped digital in the crowd
3) There are at least 5 different designs of chairs in the photo – maybe it was in 3rd class and they had to use the chairs that were available
4) The seated “passenger” in the lower right has a nylon wind breaker folded over the chair back (first produced 23 years after the Titanic sank) – that pesky time traveler again!
5) The windows look out on a modern office building – someone in the future may have photo-shopped that in to disguise the fact that the picture was actually taken on the Titanic
The only possible reason that this was so cleverly disguised is obviously that time-travel actually exists and the time-traveler was trying to obfuscate the scene – but you caught him/her in the act. Good work Ned!
I should have known Dr. Nefarious and his Time Travelers were behind this! Actually, I may go pay them a visit; I’m pretty sure their band is playing this Friday at the Enfermo Taco restaurant. But not before a manicure…
The box! I’ve been patiently waiting for you to dump that thing and let the squirrels loose again. Thanks for the hard hitting investigative journalism. However, I’m not so happy with the song repeating my head–something with Celine Dion? Send the squirrels back in. Maybe the squealing will drown out the falsetto!
Hahaha! Hey — maybe there’s a version of “My Heart Will Go On” by The Chipmunks?
“How did a photo from the S.S. Titanic end up in our archive of unclaimed photos?”
The same thing happened at the Minneapolis StarTribune. They later discovered it had been meant to accompany an editorial on their declining subscriptions….. (ouch)
Hahahahahahaha! Talk about hitting an iceberg *brrrrr*
Nothing gets past you Ned….;)
Hey, thanks 😉
I like to think of myself as a black hole; nothing escapes. Unless I’ve had Mexican food…
She must have been really pissed at that guy who went and looked for her necklace at the bottom of the ocean and then handed it to Britney Spears, whilst she was dancing around in a red body-suit on Mars without any oxygen feeding equipment whatsoever.
Hahaha! I’m still looking for that photo in The Box;)
Ned, don’t panic, but I’m afraid your newsroom has turned… black & white. Now, don’t worry, it’s not permanent. Just apply this ointment liberally to the infected area and infectedly to the conservative areas.
HaHA! I knew you’d catch that. I didn’t have time to Photoshop just the photo into B&W, so I just did the whole thing, saying to myself: “With his keen eye for deduction and entirely too much time on his hands, that dang Ross is going to notice the discrepancy. And hopefully my well-manicured thumbnail…”
Yes, typical me. I call it “ned-picking.”
Now I’m thinking about changing my name to “Nose.”
Once again your investigative journalism skills blow my mind away. I hope James Cameron gets to read this!
Maybe Cameron will keep this “Rose” in mind for the sequel, where they discover “Jack” has been living on an island with a volleyball…
Squirrel power rules.
If I could ever get “Skippy” to hold still long enough, I have a shirt for him with that slogan on it.