The three elements of a “Perfect Storm” came together here on the Oregon coast today:
Extremely strong winds
My weak acrobatic skills.
This is always a dangerous combination. Especially when my family suggests I do something funny, like pretend the wind is lifting me off the ground. Under normal circumstance — such as sitting on the couch, completely dry and nowhere near a pole — this would not have been a problem. But as we made our way through the school parking lot fighting the wind and rain, the third element of this Perfect Storm scenario developed.
“Honey, you should do that pole thing where you lift your legs up like it’s windy,” my wife suggested. “I’ll get a picture!”
“But it really IS windy,” I replied.”
“Exactly! It’ll look even funnier!”
Naturally, my response was what you’d expect from a 47-year-old man with limited health coverage.
After taking the above photo, we all had a good laugh. Then my loving wife suggested we take it up a notch. “Hey, let’s do a video of it!”
Keep in mind that my wife and son were both remaining warm and dry in the car during all this, and that I — along with the pole — were getting wetter by the minute. I, of course, took all of this into consideration before putting my foot down and answering with an unequivocal, “OKAY!”
The first take went pretty well…
With that take safely recorded, the smart thing to do would have been to get into the car and drive home. But then I asked myself, “Would Martin Scorsese quit with one take? Would Stanley Kubrick? Sure, NOW he would. But what about before he was dead?”
The second take didn’t go quite so well..
Thanks to the rain, things didn’t get much better…
Should the police ever decide to investigate what I’m sure were numerous reports of a man attempting to commit suicide by sliding down a pole face-first into the mud, I’ll be easy to find. That’s because, in addition to the lasting impression I made on those who witnessed this event, I’m pretty sure there’s also a good impression of my face at the bottom of that pole…
(Ned Hickson is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation. His first book, Humor at the Speed of Life, is available from Port Hole Publications, Amazon.com or Barnes & Noble.)
111 thoughts on “Caught on video: Proof of why I’ll never be a pole dancer”
Too funny, although, I have to say, Mrs. Ned’s “I’m sorry” doesn’t sound all that remorseful. 🙂
Haha! Who can blame her?
….i knew it. i knew there was wind involved.
OMG….your wifes laughter is just hilarious….ima sit here and jsut watch that last one..ova and ova…
can you get her signed up on netflix? jsut her..not you.
Lol! Yeah, her laugh’s pretty great. In the second one, you can hear my son crack up, which always makes me laugh.
And as for Netflix, having her own goes without saying.
i dont think you make much of a pole dancer. nope. but i woulda put a dolla in it…
You’d have to be quick. Or at least extremely limber.
Hey, it’s me — was there ever any doubt?
I just have to thank you (and your wife) for giving me a real laugh today! That was hysterical!
You’re welcome, especially from my wife… 😉
Get your dollar bills ready, ladies.
Hahaha! But you better be quick!
I’m just glad my nose was there to break my fall…
OMG — Stop!
That’s exactly what ran through my mind as I was sliding down the pole…
LOL — Am I sick to love slapstick? You you sick wanting to perform it?
I’d like to say it was a well-calculated move to elicit laughter — you know, instead of a doof almost breaking his neck 😉
Well, Mr. Ned — or is that Mr. Ed? It was an effective well-calculated move. Thanks for the dopamine fix.
You’re very welcome 😉
I don’t think it’s a coincidence that “dopamine” starts with “dope…”
Oh wait, correction: It was a question not a claim. Replace ‘You’ with ‘Are’. 😉
No worries, Victoria. I figured it out. I think landing on my face helped my cognitive skills.
Sometimes you just get lucky.
I’ve watched the first video about five times now and every time it gets funnier. And the others? How much pain are you in now? I’d be in the hospital.
Lol! It actually looked worse than it was. Over the years, I’ve learned how to break my fall without breaking my nose. Much.
wow… you really are dedicated to this blog… omg… you’re my hero 😀
Aww, Thanks 😉
A parent who was there said his son was watching and asked, “What is that man doing?” He told his son, “Oh, that’s Ned. He’s just working.” Haha!
I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing… lol…
I may have inspired a future… uh… whatever it is I do.
You’re a crazy man!
Thanks, Eden 😉
All along I pictured you as struggling comedian making his way against all odds, breaking ground one laugh at a time, alone in the face of adversity. Now I know better, not only do you have a cheering section, you also have a crew goading you on to funnier and funnier material. I have to admit, the face plant in the mud and the hysterical background laughter combine to really make this much more amusing than you could have hoped to be on your own. Keep up the good work! And kudos to your support team!
Thanks, Paul! I am very appreciative of my support team which, in addition to my family, includes you and everyone who reads this blog. My Life Insurance company isn’t as supportive, however.
That’s fantastic! I love your guys’ sense of humor. And I love that you let us laugh at your expense. 🙂
Thanks, Carrie 😉 On Facebook, the dad of one of my son’s friends left hilarious comment. He said they were watching at the time, and his son asked, “What is that man doing?” The dad said, “Oh that’s Ned. He’s just working.” Haha! 😉
A dream job for sure!
Obviously, I “Work hard for the money…” 😉
Ok, Ned, that’s one of the funniest things I’ve seen in a long time. Your wife is awesome!
As much as I’d like to attribute it to comedic genius, the credit really goes to my uncoordinated genes.
And you’re right; My wife’s pretty awesome 😉
Ha ha. I’m impressed with your pole dancing in the photo but have no idea what the videos show. I guess the internet police got to them on my side of the border. Canadians don’t have too much of a sense of humor. Seems ‘the connection was reset’.
Probably to protect the innocent.
Most likely. 🙂
Hi Ned – this post is what I find as I take my first look at your blog.
Very hilarious (at least on this side of the internet) I have to wonder now… what will this guy not do for his craft?
Haha! That’s a good question, and one I’m beginning to ask myself more and more. So is my wife 😉
Seriously, thanks for visiting!
i disagree, ned! i think you should quit your day job & take the first pole dancing op you can find. people would pay good money to watch you perform that live!
Lol! You know, I’m not sure I’d feel safe performing for the kind of people who would pay to see that!
I just… I can’t…I don’t…. I just can’t stop laughing!!! Soo much better in full context. Please, please, please be better at firefighting!
You should see me come down the fire pole…;)
OMG Robyn. I can’t breathe…
For The Lord sakes…if he couldn’t stay up on that pole as a firefighter, he sure lord might not be able to hook up a hose …I’m jsut sayn..the videos sure do add a more vigilant act.
I really think I coulda swiped my card once I was done with all my cash tho..
Bahahahaaa Lisa – I was trying to imagine the speed & dexterity Ned said you’d need for the cash, let alone a swipe!
…and when I saw the second video… well! Then picturing a similar result with the fire pole. Oh man, this was all way too funny! Had to wipe away tears!!!
I think I love his wife too for producing so much fun for us!
You can understand why I love her, too 😉
LOL. Oh right. Ned. I forgot you could see us on your page. :p Yes, any woman who can instigate hilarity is a hero to me.
Yeah. And to think there you and I were all on twitter posing him off as a strip tease. Hose and all. That being said, Ida paid more money to see him oil himself down just for the fall. HAD HIS HOSE HOT THAT POLE…OMG ..you da heard me from here…
Omg too too much!! I also posted it on my FB and my friends are having a hoot too. ‘Twas a great day of ha ha’s!
Thank god ..it wast Ned’s.
buahhahahahaahahaaaa your sacrifice for the moment is much appreciated and your wife is brilliant.
I think she may have suggested it because she knew what was coming! And yes, she’s pretty brilliant 😉
Oh yes, I fully believe she knew exactly what she was doing.
I thought that this must be the result of hours and hours of practice of sliding down a metal pole. But then I remembered that you’re also a firefighter, and it all started to make sense.
If this pole had been brass, I’m convinced things would’ve turned out differently.
Were your children watching this spectacle?
Unfortunately, only one our four children was with us — one of our two sons — and you can here him laugh out loud in the first “fail,” which totally cracks me up whenever I hear it. I can only imagine a van-load would’ve sounded like!
I meant “hear” not “here.” Apparently, I took that face plant a little harder than I thought… 😉
Something tells me there will be a bounty of face plants in the future at your house. Which is great! For a laugh. Sorry…
Haha! Face plants is about the only thing we’ll probably ever see in our garden 😉
(laughing) Maybe installing some chicken wire around the face plants would make it look like something important is growing there.
Lol! Good plan — But if you see chicken wire impressions on my face in the next video, you’ll know something went horribly wrong.
Best not to, then. Gardening isn’t for everyone. (grin)
I am not sure what is funnier Ned, watching you do a face plant or listening to your wife’s fits of laughter as she summons you to make another attempt! Good effort buddy! Good effort!
Lol! I know she was only trying to get my best performance. …Right?
When it stops raining here in Oregon (like in June) I’ll do it again on a dry pole to save my dignity. Or at least recover a portion of it 😉
it is good that you have the loving support and empathy of your family. even though you may not ever make it as a pole dancer, at least you have that,
I’m counting on it. If I made a living as a pole dancer, we’d all starve.
lmao…there is nothing funnier than the sound of someone laughing at someone they truly love..it’s the truest kind of laugh there is…lol
Then my wife must really love me A LOT! 😉
(And you’re so right about that kind of laughter)
why do they laugh at our pain Ned. Why
It’s my own fault; I’m the one who forgot about gravity…
There is nothing my wife laughs harder at then when I fall or hurt myself. Yesterday I leaned too far over on the bed and almost fell off and she saw that i had regained my balance she pushed me off and was in tears with laughter for 20 minutes.
Gravity — and wives — will do that… 😉
Ned… what is that sinister looking green stuff in the background? I think I saw something like it in a movie and it didn’t turn out very well.
By the way, where are your mittens, parka and Sorrels? My neighbor journeyed from his bedroom to his bathroom without wearing them and froze solid. Have you frozen solid?
Frozen yes, but mostly just from indignity!
That was hysterical! We ain’t dummies though. You continued with the retakes so you could hear your wife’s beautiful laugh. At some point, you need to show us that pretty face behind that musical laughter.
Can you blame me? As I’ve told her often, from our very first phone conversation, her voice was truly like music to me; like the missing notes in a melody I had been working on but couldn’t finish. When she laughs, it’s the best 😉
Here she is…
Beautiful! What a sweet story. Definitely a keeper 🙂
Ned, Sweetheart … You are such a good sport. Taking the fall for me – literally.
You are part fireman, part stuntman and part Spider-Man. But not a pole dancer in an Oregon storm. (Believe me folks. We take turns laughing at, er, I mean “with” each other. The camera just loves him better!)
You are the reason I do not wear mascara. Not even a waterproof formula can save me!
As long as I’m not your Aqua-man, Honey.
By the way, I fell for you a long time ago. But you’re right; I just keep falling xoxox
Haha love it. So, that was your wife’s idea? You sure she likes you!
Only kidding, brilliant idea.
Yeah, “brilliant.” That’s what I kept telling myself… 😉
You know you have something special when your significant other is willing to allow you to be a fool.
That’s so true, Melanie. Although in my case I’m not sure she has a choice… 😉
At least she’s entertained by it. 🙂
It’s good to see people be silly and have a little fun, especially when it comes at the expense of their face. Quality entertainment right there.
Lol! I think everyone can agree that my face is a small price to pay.
Oh no, not at all. A visit to the ER is no small price.
This was by far the most adorable cat video youtube has ever seen!;)
Also, this short video makes it clear why people call you ‘The Nutcracker’…please, be careful, okay?;)
Now I understand why you married her – Mrs. Ned’s laugh is the greatest thing!
Haha! That’s only one of her many amazing qualities — but definitely one of my favorites 😉
And you say you are 47??? LMAO!!!!! 😛
Haha! Yeah, I’ll be 48 this August. Frightening, isn’t it?
I got ya beat…will be 50 in a few days…waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!