“A complete…time.”
And
“(Not a)…waste…”
Or as The Master of Horror® Stephen King calls it, “My lawyer’s first stop every morning.”
But enough with the accolades! For those who might be visiting for the first time, I’d like to welcome you! I’d also like a note from your mother explaining where you’ve been. Please have it by next Friday. Or like my kids, just wait, knowing I’ll probably have forgotten by then. Although I do eventually remember who they are.
Now that we’ve gotten the particulars out of the way, I should explain that my NWOW is when I share writing tips and insights gained through 15 years as a newspaper columnist. Past subjects have included How to Avoid Yourself (When Writing in the First-person), Get Out of Your Comfort Zone (Try Writing Naked), and Coming Out to the Ones You Love (About Your Alternative Writing Lifestyle)
This week is going to be a little different, however. I thought since most of you were unable to attend my roast/book-signing last Friday because of a variety of sketchy reasons, such as “I live in South Africa,” or “How did you get past my SPAM filter?” I would give you a recap of the evening from an author’s perspective. This is as opposed to my first idea, which was to offer it from the perspective of artichoke dip.
As I mentioned in my NPR interview about the roast, the idea was to avoid a typical book signing, where I’d have to smoke a pipe and wear a tweed jacket with patches on the sleeves. Instead, by holding a roast, the idea was to have fun by letting family, friends, co-workers, readers and people looking for a restroom put me in the hot seat. Word spread quickly thanks to NPR, and the little Florence Playhouse filled up. The bad news was that, once again, Ellen and her friends showed up for a quick selfie while things were being set up…
Because I was asked not to be involved in any of the preparations (they’ve seen my work), I had no idea what to expect when I got there. My publisher at Port Hole Publications, Ellen Traylor, along with my wife and some friends, put the stage together using items they had sneaked out of the house — things that, as Ellen said, “best describe Ned.” For this reason, I’m glad our toilet is bolted down…
One of the first people to arrive was a reader I met named Bill Olsen. According to Bill, he had been out of town but heard something was happening at the Playhouse about my book. “When I got here and saw all the items on stage, and the pictures from your childhood, I feared the worst,” says Bill. “I thought you were dead.” As I comforted an emotional Bill, he admitted that it was a bitter-sweet relief to see me alive. “On one hand, I’m glad you’re not dead. On the other hand, the copy I have of your book would be worth a lot more.”
At 7 p.m., the roast was about ready to start. The Playhouse was almost full, except for a few seats, which opened up after Ellen Degeneres and her friends were kicked out for scaring an elderly women during a selfie Tweet…
My book publisher, Ellen (not Degeneres), welcomed everyone to the roast and asked that no selfies be taken during the event. She opened the roast by admitting she had never published a book like this before. “The response has been tremendous, which is a little disconcerting…”
Right away, audience participation reached a fervor as a woman named Stephanie raised her hand to ask a question that was clearly on the minds of everyone there…
Ellen (not Degeneres) then introduced John Bartlett, our newspaper publisher for Siuslaw News, who was the emcee for the evening. “I think of Ned as a son,” he said. “A 47-year-old son who just won’t move out…”
Next up was fellow reporter Amy Bartlett, who thanked me for the many pieces of wisdom I have imparted to her over the last few years. “Ned often calls out random insights on deadline day, like ‘Don’t forget the letter ‘L’ when using the word ‘Public…'”
I have to admit having my mother stand up to speak was probably the most nerve-racking moment of the evening for me because her arsenal of my embarrassing moments is vast. She went easy on me, though, explaining how I was once tricked by my stepfather into believing I could make the TV channel change by touching random objects in the living room: door knob, lamp, the dog, etc. Her point? “He was a very sweet, naive child who didn’t understand technological advances like TV remotes…”
Thanks, Mom.
They say hair stylists and barbers know the dirt on everyone. Mine is no exception. Wendy Krause explained that her first idea was to show photos of my many different hair styles over the years. “When I Googled him, I didn’t get a lot of hair styles, but I did get things like this…”
My beautiful wife, Alicia, then stood from the audience and pulled out an enormous binder stuffed full of stories to share. “But after going through it, I realized very little of it was ‘family friendly,'” she explained. “So I’ll have to go with this revised list…”
At that point, audience members were invited to come up. The first was a fellow firefighter friend, Sean Connor, who kept his statement short and simple…
My station captain, Boa Warren, also had something to say, recalling a time when I first began engineering. “We pulled a line and were ready for water, but my hose was limp. I still blame Ned for that.” I blamed it on performance anxiety…
These two ladies thought all this talk about firehoses was particularly funny…
Eventually, it was time to read a few selections from my book…
This led to a standing ovation from my editor, Theresa Baer (left), who was now under the impression this event was a send-off party, meaning I would be away on a book tour for as long as a year…
I then had a chance to mingle with everyone who came, beginning with Stephanie, who told me she didn’t want me to sign her book but would appreciate it if I wrote down the artichoke dip recipe instead…
Wendy also got a signed copy and demonstrates why she really should have been in Ellen’s (yes, Degeneres) Tweet..
All kidding aside, the evening was great fun — way better than a stuffy book signing. For those of you who couldn’t make it, I hope this will at least give you a sense of how the evening went. I’d like to thank my publisher, Ellen (not Degeneres) for putting it all together, as well as my lovely wife and the friends who helped. It was an evening I’ll never forget. And if you look at my wife in this photo, you’ll have an idea of why the rest of the evening was a little hard to remember…
(Ned Hickson is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation. His first book, Humor at the Speed of Life, is available from Port Hole Publications, Amazon.com or Barnes & Noble.)
Ned's Blog 
Nice shoes. Ellen apparently did not read the statement I sent to her. That is probably a good thing.
If it was about my shoes, she knew better than to read it.
Good shoes trump everything. Nice play.
I am glad you were roast worthy. It speaks a lot about you and it says a lot about what people think about you. Good, I think.
Either that or they were paid — not that it matters.
(And thanks, my friend 😉 )
That’s what I like to hear: a warm, friendly book signing. No hecklers, no pushing and shoving to get your books signed. Looks like a successful evening. 🙂
Once we got rid of Ellen and Bradley Cooper, it went great 😉
Ha ha ha. 😛
Congrats, Ned! Looks like fun was had by all. I’d keep an eye on those ladies at the red-topped table–they look mischievous 🙂
It really was a great time. The “after” party was even better. At least that’s what I heard. I don’t really remember much about it… 😉
And as for those two ladies, I didn’t turn my back on them for a second!
Sounds wonderful Ned.
Two interesting side notes:
1. I used to read a lot of Ellen Gunderson-Traylor’s books. I loved her way of bringing bible characters to life.
2. We had a newspaper editor here in my town who’s name was John Bartlett.
There you go – the whole three degrees of separation and all that 😉
Wow! That’s amazing! What are the odds? I feel like one of us should go play the slots or something 😉
We most definitely should. Although I had my opportunity to do so last night and didn’t 😦 lol
say…cassanova….
you look like sheldon sitting in “his spot”….
Bazzinga!
See. I knew that was your spot.
I dunno Ned, maybe it’s time to move out, ya know? Looks like fun in there. Love the book mate, well done.
Hey, thanks, REDdog. Glad you’re enjoying the book my friend.
Cheers!
A cookbook??? Ned’s Nummies??? Can’t wait! 🙂
Hahaha! That title alone would be worth writing the book 😉
Great roast Ned! Thanks for doing this post for those of us who were unable to attend – I know, it’s only 3,000 miles but the weather was bad in between (and there were monsters and gargoyles and all matter of beasts laying in wait in the badlands!). I must say, you truly do have that professorial air that would look good with a pipe and tweed. I think it must be the hair and the manicure. Your Mom looks great – she seems young and has less grey hair than you do. It is wonderful to put faces to all the names you’ve dropped before (we were wondering if maybe they were all invisible “friends” of yours). Kudos to Alicia and all the organizers that made your special evening possible!
Thanks, Paul! It really was a fun evening. As I sat there I felt like George Bailey from “It’s a Wonderful Life,” feeling so lucky to have all those people in my life. My Mom is only 17 years older than me, so we speak the same language when it comes to life, humor and everything in between. Although I am a tad bit resentful that I have more grey than her. Then again, I don’t have to deal with that whole menopause thing. So I guess that makes us even… 😉
What’s with all the beards? Does no one grow a ‘proper’ beard out there? Or are you just all soooo cool that’s the only style to have? (You’d all fit in well in Croatia, every man has ‘that’ beard).
Sorry, meant to start off saying congrats, looks like it was a fun evening but I got sidetracked by the beards…
LOL! It’s funny that you say that about the beards; I’ve actually been thinking about shaving mine off. Before I move to Croatia, just so I can be unique 😉 Seriously, though — I think it’s coming off for a while again.
And thanks 😉
This was awesome! Shame about the artichoke dip and Ellen Degeneres popping up all the time, but the rest of it was fantastic. I’m sorry I was one of the many people who came up with lame excuses not to be there. Can I ask what it was like to read from your own work in pubic? I imagine I’d be nervous if I ever had to read anything pubicly.
You’re excused for missing this event, Arend. And I wasn’t nervous reading from my book, thanks to making many pubic appearances in the past.
I should hope Ellen (Degeneres) wasn’t there to capture that!
Me too! I’m not to sure I’d want a picture of my [censored] to be called a “Tweet.”
No, that would be a textbook example of pubic humiliation.
It’s been a while since I was in school, so please tell me it’s not in text books.
Not in Europe as far as I know. Can’t vouch for your continent;)
Maybe it’s in the abridged version.
You make even this funny. You never disappoint. And congratulations again! (On the book.)
Truly: Many thanks, GG 😉
Congratulations on the truly kick-ass and original signing, Ned!
As they say, you’re one to watch, buddy.
Thanks, Hook. And if by “they” you mean all those bored agents at Homeland Security, you’re probably right.
Ned, would have loved to attend, BUT I really DO live in South Africa…
Yeah. Sure. Whatever.
(Haha! I was wondering if you’d pick up on that reference ;))
Come on! You know me better than that!
I’m an avid follower, who has been slightly busy, and who is now digging into the archive of your illustrious writing.
And besides I’m anything but slow…
Hahaha! Agreed 😉
it looks like a hot night ned, and just to warn you, i’ve ordered your book and the amazon drone is on its way
Thanks, Beth. It really was a great evening. And thank you so much for ordering the book. The HATSOL surveillance team will be standing by. They may already be in your front yard, actually…
What a great idea! Much better than a stuffy book signing! Looks like a load of fun!
It was truly a blast. Although it was a little like being at my own wake, which based on how much fun this was I know I will definitely be attending!
This distracted me from my writing for a bit. I was thinking about getting along better with folks so they could do this for me at my first book signing.
p.s. your mom is really young
That’s definitely a good plan Haha! And yeah, my mom had me she was 17, so she’s 40 now…
ok, fine — she’s 66 😉
I’m just a couple years older than you are and she doesn’t look much older than me. Good living I guess 🙂
I was of a statistic of 80’s folks that had kids at near 30 or later
She is thoughtful and easy to laugh — definitely traits that lead to good living 😉