I certainly feel a deeper kinship with the surrounding universe. Particularly after reading how, like my own waistline, it is continuing to expand as it gets older. According to an article in TIME magazine last week, astrophysicists at the Harvard-Smithsonian Center for Astrophysics are close to answering one of the fundamental mysteries of space: how members of the Kardashian family can take up so much of it in tabloids.
To fully understand this phenomena, researchers at the center have turned to a property of space called “dark matter,” which I promise only sounds like another Vin Diesel “Chronicles of Riddick” sequel. In fact, dark matter is something parents have suspected for eons, but astrophysicists have only now proven the existence of: An invisible matter with a gravitational force stronger than normal gravity that pulls in the opposite direction. It is this property that 1) keeps the universe expanding in spite of the pull of planets, and 2) naturally occurs in children, which explains their ability to pull parents in two directions at once.
The other effects of “dark” gravity aren’t as straightforward. In fact, the differences between the two types of gravity are a little hazy; both are invisible and both essentially spend all their time pulling things. And just to clarify, we have moved on from children now. Here are a few examples to help illustrate the difference between regular and “dark” gravity:
A baseball landing in your mitt is gravity; a baseball landing on your forehead is “dark gravity.”
Push-starting your car by rolling it down a hill is gravity; if the car doesn’t start before you get to the bottom, that’s “dark gravity.”
Weight-lifting, gravity; weight-gaining, “dark gravity.”
Getting sick on the Tilt-a-Whirl, gravity; being strapped next to the person getting sick on the Tilt-a-Whirl…
You get the idea.
And the discovery of light and “dark” doesn’t end there. Apparently, physicists have discovered that matter also has a bright and not-so-bright side. While regular matter is easy to see, taste, touch and feel, “dark” matter is an invisible substance that, by a ratio of 10 to 1, outweighs all visible particles within stars, planets and people.
This is why eating a three-ounce candy bar means that you will gain — on average — 26 pounds. It’s all of that invisible “dark” matter surrounding what we eat that’s causing America’s obesity problem, not the calories or lack of exercise. The trick is to find a way to remove the “dark” matter from our food sources. This is harder than it sounds since scientists have no idea what dark matter really is, what it looks like, where it comes from or if it’s unhealthy to consume.
The only thing we know for sure is that it was recently approved by the FDA.
However, lead Harvard-Smithsonian Center researcher Dr. Esra Bulbul believes her team is close to isolating an x-ray signature of dark matter, which is created by the deterioration of a subatomic particle called “sterile neutrino.”
The fact that all male researchers on the x-ray project are also sterile “is purely coincidental,” said Bulbul.
Though there were a handful of other revelations in the article I read, nothing compares with how the universe will eventually collapse. Much like the elastic waistband in my swimming trunks, the universe will continue to stretch until it reaches a point of critical mass known as “The Big Snap.”
What happens after that is anyone’s guess.
As for me, I’d rather not dwell on the gravity of such matters.
(Ned Hickson is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation. His first book, Humor at the Speed of Life, is available from Port Hole Publications, Amazon.com or Barnes & Noble.)
Ned's Blog 
So we need to find a way to remove unseeable dark (how do we know it’s dark then?) matter? Honestly, I thought it said dark gravy at first (not gravity), and I was like, “Yes, I would like some brown gravy right now.”
Dark gravity gravy is really hard to find.
I knew it was the dark matter in cheese and wine that was to blame. Thank you for my new found clarity, Ned!
Hilarious as always 🙂
My pleasure! That’s what I’me here for, Ann!
The wine and cheese, I mean… 😉
Excellent! Name the place and time… I’m there.
It can’t be today because I’m on deadline, which is always more like whine and “Jeez!” 😉
Nice. I can relate. Okay, I will take that raincheck!
So, another workout at the gym that inspired this, was it? Well, as long as you don’t encounter any dark matter on the benches, that’s staying ahead of the game. Oh, SNAP!
Another reason I stick to chin-ups and free weights; less chance of encountering dark matter. Plus, I avoid the “senior hour.”
Only you could make astrophysics funny!
Thanks Melissa 😉
But in all fairness, I’ve heard Stephen Hawking tells a pretty good black hole joke about dark matter… although I think I’d rather take everyone else’s word for it.
Yeah, me too. : )
My wife refers to middle of the night under the covers gas emissions as ‘dark splatter’. True story.
Definitely saves time not having to wipe down the ceiling.
Speaking of ceiling, DS is more interesting when the ceiling fan is running (or runny).
I saw that on an episode of CSI: Tijuana once
Oh yeah, I saw that episode — ‘Breaking Wind Bad’.
HAHAHAHA! UH!
The only thing I worry about is whether or not there is chocolate in the house.
Dark chocolate of course.
now i understand the candy bar math at last. especially the dark chocolate ones, they have the most gravitational pull. thank you.
It all makes sense thanks to science.
That explains how I gained weight!
Yes, you definitely want to stay away from the dark chocolate.
And all the dark food around my place! Have researchers found out how to easily get rid of dark matter?
They say it’s only a matter of time. I’m not sure if that’s rhetorical or if they’re just messing with us.
Those bastards!
Wish I had you as a science teacher, I might have paid more attention and learned a few important things, instead of embarrassing myself in general conversation. I mean honestly, who can blame me for not knowing that the earth is NOT flat! And it’s also not nice to call fat people “fat”. Cause those fat people can slap really hard…
Haha! It’s not the velocity that hurts, but the dark matter between the back of their hand and your face.
Bulbul.
That’s the same sound I make when my mouth is full of dark chocolate cake.
You are Dr. Oz (dietary advice), Stephen Hawking (brilliant insight into the cosmos) and Oprah (expanding waist line as years go by) in one! My compliments!
As long as it includes Dr. Oz’s and Oprah’s expanding financial empire, and that cool voice modulator Stephen Hawking has.
I think that can be arranged. There’s probably a voice modulator you can get from Ebay, although the cheap ones have a bug that makes you alternate between an Irish and a Jamaican accent;)
That would be really fun to have while sitting at a bar.
i knew it … “This is why eating a three-ounce candy bar means that you will gain — on average — 26 pounds. “
I love science. Except when it makes me fat. I have to wonder, though: Doesn’t this mean I also have even bigger “dark matter” muscles no one can see?
Yeah, I’m going with that…
The potential for dark gravity was why I always preferred a standard transmission to an automatic!
Automatic transmissions are more like black magic to me than dark matter…