Today’s fireworks: About as exciting as burning my old socks

(Today, I’m up to bat with a new post at Long Awkward Pause, where I’m swinging for the fences and trying not to break the office furniture. Maybe now they’ll get me that Nerf bat…)

image Except for those living in Missouri, where the only fireworks restriction is a requirement that all skyrockets exceeding the length of a standard boat trailer be flagged during transport, most Americans have watched their Independence Day fireworks excitement dwindle from first-strike capability through the 1990s, to today’s wimpy sparklers and fountains with spark-spitting action equal to…

well…

two sparklers tied together?

Americans age 30 and older remember having sparklers so bright they could see them through their eyelids. The bravest kids would spin them like propellers, showering crackling embers everywhere and knowing full well their eyebrows would grow back by September. The trend in fireworks wimpiness came as the result of restrictions by the National Council on Fireworks Safety in an effort to reduce fireworks-related injuries and deaths throughout the United States. Not counting Missouri, which apparently no one cares about. (For more, join me over at LAP!)

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Ned's Blog

I was a journalist, humor columnist, writer and editor at Siuslaw News for 23 years. The next chapter in my own writer’s journey is helping other writers prepare their manuscript for the road ahead. I'm married to the perfect woman, have four great kids, and a tenuous grip on my sanity...

20 thoughts on “Today’s fireworks: About as exciting as burning my old socks”

    1. It was always a big deal when I was a kid, going to the fireworks booth and seeing all the different kits. I always wanted the Block Party box, which was enough to launch an attack on a small country, or maybe Canada. Now that I’m older, I see it as wasteful spending that I’d rather use for something more important, such as alcohol… 😉

  1. And bottle rockets were fun until the dog knocked the bottle over and sent my cousin to the emergency room. No permanent scars but he didn’t hear right for a few days.
    Roman candles were the best though.

  2. And you can’t get to Washington in 20 minutes to get more than sparklers.
    I’ve been having trouble getting to your page for a week or so. I click the link in the notification email and it won’t load. Don’t know what that means but I didn’t want you to think I am ignoring you. I know what my presence means to your blog, you, your family and community.

    1. Now that I know the reason you haven’t been there, I’ll be starting the blog back up again; there didn’t seem to be a point in continuing without you there.

      Seriously, we took a vote… 😉

  3. We’re going the safe route, those black-pellet “snakes” that look like a sick dog was on the sidewalk.

    1. I LOVED those when I was a kid! My friends and I would dump the box of pellets out and light them all at once. The smell was in the kitchen for days…

  4. I grew up in Asia and firecrackers are the best! Dangerous, but great fun. That was then, this is now – fixing up hands and reattaching fingers after ‘fun’ accidents…..

No one is watching, I swear...

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