“WE ARE IN A WIRELESSLY FORESAKEN LAND OF MALL-LESS-NESS!” I hear them scream.
But today I am laughing at them! Ha-Ha-HA! What makes today different? Because I am doing so from a really big mall. How big, you ask? I don’t mean to brag, but let’s just say it has an escalator. In fact, I can go ice skating, ride bumper cars and buy over-priced merchandise without even breaking a sweat. At least not until I get my credit card statement.
However, as exciting as that all sounds, within the first 15 minutes I’ve made a few observations I find unsettling…
At first, I didn’t think much about it when I ran into these guys. They are well dressed and seemed to be having a good time seeing the sights. Or, so to speak. I mean… never mind…
That’s when I looked across the aisle and saw these lovely ladies who clearly had the gentlemen entranced. How could blame them?
Once I saw the name of the store I had wandered into…
…I understood there’s a lot more that goes on after closing time than I realized…
Now if you’ll excuse me, I think it’s time to leave for home. I seem to have a stalker…
(Ned Hickson is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation. His first book, Humor at the Speed of Life, is available from Port Hole Publications, Amazon.com or Barnes & Noble.)
Ned's Blog 
“Forever a Felony.” Ha!
Fun fact: “seal” in French is “phoque.” Hours of elementary school fun. “Forever Phoque.”
I’m making “My lips are phoqued” my new catch phrase!
Sitting in a mall (center court) reading this right now. After I decide the parallel nomenclature you’ve created I’m headed over to “No-Rhyme-Nero” for a smoothie.
Haha! I really hope it’s not next to a “Wet Seal.”
Wet Seal? Sounds like a porno…
And not the kind I’d care to watch.
No?
I suppose that’s not entirely true. I draw the line at “Dry Seal.”
That sounds like it would hurt.
For some reason, Jiffy Lube keeps popping into my head.
Need a lube job?
In a jiffy.
No mouths? Must be the world’s most perfect children. I died a little, and its so true! lol. Forever a Felony. The. Best. Ever.
I only say that because I love my children. Especially when their mouths are closed or too full to say anything sarcastic.
Bahahahaha! Me to! Me to!
Thank goodness that it’s early enough on a Thursday and my Mountain Dew is still on ice. Classic Ned and I just loved it. What were we just saying about deleting the selfies????
Actually, this post reminded me of the time my BFF and hubby scoped out Caesar’s Palace in Vegas. We were so bored (i.e. tipsy) that my friend and hubby started posing next to the mannequins in the fancy stores and copying the various, sometime compromising poses.
I’m saving the photos for a rainy day blackmail opportunity 😉
Yeah, I kind of walked into that one! Haha! What happens in Las Vegas stays in someone’s iPod. And as for those rainy day blackmail photos… remember I live in Oregon where it rains — a lot. 😉
Awesome! I’ll be checking the forecast.
Have a fantastic holiday weekend…one more work e-mail and I’m going outside to blow stuff up!
Haha! Have a wonderful holiday weekend, Michelle. Here’s hoping all your digits are accounted for on Monday!
I wonder why you seem to connect so well with inanimate objects? Wait, don’t answer that.
I can’t believe you’ve already forgotten our time together.
I hate it when I set you up for the slam dunk. UH. ;p
Well, this seems like a pretty crowded mall, but were there any actual people in it? 🙂
So many feelings from the 80s coming over me. Andrew McCarthy having relations with mannequins, that creepy girl in the Twilight Zone movie with no mouth…and then the Wet Seal, which is where all those women in the Premarin va-jay-jay dryness ads should start shopping.
It’s a mall of nightmares, really.
Wet Seal? The oddest name for a store.
It’s not even named after the singer. Weird.
I believe you’d pronounce that, “My lips are pho-kayed.” You know, because you’re turning a noun into a verb. Or whatever.
Also, malls creep me out.
Just as long as my lips aren’t ever flambéed.
Ouch.
Just right, and funny.
Thanks, Meredith 😉
i just want to know if there was a printer ink cartridge refill store there. it must be one of the most boring jobs on earth. perhaps not, and i just don’t understand all of the nuances of the profession. no mall is complete without it.
There’s only one store that could rival printer ink cartridge boringness, and that would be the battery store; an entire mall store filled with ever battery you could want. Imagine the fun on inventory day.
Seriously, Ned, you may be from a small mall town, having a visit at the big town mall, but none of those big mall outfits have anything on your shoes!
Ha! Thanks for noticing! They’re my favorites. My wife got them for me last year for my birthday. Then for Father’s Day
this year she got me Spider-man Vans. I’m a geek at heart.
Yes, you are, a geek, and we love you for it.
Oh please do also feature the Spider-Man Vans some time.There has to be a way, Word-Man.
Oh my….your brain!
That’s what my therapist says…
Reblogged this on thedailygrime and commented:
Malls are indeed strange places. We have them in England too, but they don’t seem to be quite as odd as yours. We tend to go for pun based names over here. Book shop chain called “Buy The Book”. push bike shops called “Cycle Logical” etc etc. I’m sure you have that kind of nonsense in America as well.
EVERY town should invest in a mall..even a mini mall…it’s a convenient place to keep teenagers
Hahaha! All we have is the police station.
So I have a mall close to my house, and it has two shops called “Allen Cooper” and “Lee Solly”. Looks like Allen Solly and Lee Cooper made out in there. Does that count?
Definitely sounds like a possibility. Only the surveillance tapes know for sure. Not that anyone wants to see them.
I’m not known for my curiosity either!
have you ever seen like the live models they have? I’ve seen more and more malls doing it… and the first time I saw one it startled the crap out of me… cause the women were frozen in position just like a mannequin and so I thought they were one and I barely even looked at them and then one moved and I bout jumped out of my skin… 😀
Ha! I’ve seen YouTube videos of people being freaked-out by “live mannequins.” I’ll keep looking for you… 😉
I’m a little curious… as to why roofing tar is on your weekly shopping list.
I have four kids. Helps me keep track of them.
One should tar and feather their children on a daily basis. It works with pets also. And spouses. Especially spouses.
Oh, and this was a very enjoyable read, a departure from your usual enjoyable read, not that your usual enjoyable read isn’t enjoyable, it’s just that this blog is a unique departure from your usual enjoyable read, which is really enjoyable.
Thanks, Steve. I always enjoy your enjoyable comments about your enjoyment.
My teeth smiled at that one.
Another fine piece of reporting! Made me chuckle out loud as usual;)
Most of the people I met at the mall were a little stiff, which is why I don’t go very often.
I no longer will be able to view Jiffy Lube, (okay so it always sounded porn-ish) or write, type, peck anything containing the word “seal” without cracking a “Ned Hickson corrupted my brain” kind of grin.
My family wishes to send their sincere thanks for this, as it seems like I’ve become a tad…overworked.
See definition: boring 😉
Just wait until you hear Stevie Wonder’s “Signed, Sealed, Delivered” 😉
You went with the wife didn’t you! Busted!
I also end up sitting on a bench quite often, looking sad and wondering why I ever agreed to come along in the first place. Has to be said that I haven’t moved into the dark side by taking pictures of mannequins, so I’m still fine.
(There must be a support group out there for this – please help Ned)
Guilty as charged, although I have to admit that my wife is usually also my partner in crime, like that time I was attacked by a wooden lion (https://nedhickson.com/2014/03/29/then-theres-that-time-i-was-attacked-by-a-wooden-lion/ ) There is a support group, located in the Macy’s storage area. But everyone’s pretty stiff.
What do you call a store mannequin that fell off the shelf? An off-the-wall mall doll! Okaayyyy so much for my feeble humor…..Loved this post . My first time here – – found you on “Must Be This Tall.” We both use Splendio theme. We both have lots of kids. We both have similar humor (only you’re hilarious!) We’ve both said, “Let me explain myself.” But my readers are still scratching their heads. Love your blog. Can’t wait to click follow.
“Off-the-Wall Mall Doll” is something I wouldn’t want to attempt saying after a few margaritas without really good health coverage!
Thanks so much for following, Debra, and for the kind words. I can tell right now I’m going to like your stuff. I’m on deadline today but have already clicked follow so I can spend more time rifling through… I mean, checking out… your stuff over the next day or two.
This made me laugh out loud! An enjoyable account of your trip to the mall!
Thanks, Carly! Obviously I don’t get out much 😉
I think finding myself surrounded by faceless mannequins would creep me out! You can tell I am not a shopper – when did they stop putting faces on mannequins?
I think they are creepy too. It must’ve started because of the era of political correctness. I’m actually surprised they even have genders anymore.