I know it’s Thursday, a day I don’t normally post. But WAIT! I can explain! Yes, I know I probably should’ve called first. But sometimes things happen that are out of our control. Like three pregnant Kardashians. Or when the dog rubs his butt on the carpet when we’re not home. In this case, however, what has happened is actually a happy thing. An exciting thing. And something that, for the most part, won’t leave a stain on the carpet or the next generation.
Back on June 7, this blog celebrated a milestone of picking up its 4,500th follower. After the party (My thanks to all of you for staying to help clean up, by the way), I set a goal of seeing if this blog could reach 5,000 by Aug. 16, when I turn 38 40 45
FINE Then: 48!
I felt it was a bit of a stretch, but stretching is something I’m trying to do a lot more of lately, especially since it’s getting easier to throw my back out or pull a groin muscle. Over the last several weeks, I’ve watched in amazement realizing there was a good chance I might actually make that goal. When I woke this morning and saw this blog had actually surpassed 5,000, I sprang up out of my chair and hollered “OWWWWWW!” because I had pulled a groin muscle.
But while hunched over and banging my fist on the table I was still appreciative — and more than slightly awed by the support I’ve received from each one of you. When I celebrated the milestone of my 1,000th follower a little over a year ago, I never would have imagined another 4,000 people would willingly subject themselves to this blog on a regular basis. Not without payment.
My father always told me nothing expresses appreciation with more clarity and sincerity than a handshake and two simple words:
Thank You.
Please accept my firm handshake or, if you’re comfortable with it, my heartfelt and appreciative hug. I promise to keep my hands above the waist. (Sorry, Hook)
Thank You.
As a measure of my appreciation, particularly to those who read Monday’s post and have been asking about the many references from readers about my pole-dancing face-plant, I am including documented evidence of my klutziness below. And by “below,” I mean below this paragraph, not… you know… below…
____________________________________________________
The three elements of a “Perfect Storm” came together here on the Oregon coast today:
Extremely strong winds
Heavy rain
My weak acrobatic skills.
This is always a dangerous combination. Especially when my family suggests I do something funny, like pretend the wind is lifting me off the ground. Under normal circumstance — such as sitting on the couch, completely dry and nowhere near a pole — this would not have been a problem. But as we made our way through the school parking lot fighting the wind and rain, the third element of this Perfect Storm scenario developed.
“Honey, you should do that pole thing where you lift your legs up like it’s windy,” my wife suggested. “I’ll get a picture!”
“But it really IS windy,” I replied.”
“Exactly! It’ll look even funnier!”
Naturally, my response was what you’d expect from a 47-year-old man with limited health coverage.
“OKAY!”
After taking the above photo, we all had a good laugh. Then my loving wife suggested we take it up a notch. “Hey, let’s do a video of it!”
Keep in mind that my wife and son were both remaining warm and dry in the car during all this, and that I — along with the pole — were getting wetter by the minute. I, of course, took all of this into consideration before putting my foot down and answering with an unequivocal, “OKAY!”
The first take went pretty well…
With that take safely recorded, the smart thing to do would have been to get into the car and drive home. But then I asked myself, “Would Martin Scorsese quit with one take? Would Stanley Kubrick? Sure, NOW he would. But what about before he was dead?”
The second take didn’t go quite so well..
Thanks to the rain, things didn’t get much better…
Should the police ever decide to investigate what I’m sure were numerous reports of a man attempting to commit suicide by sliding down a pole face-first into the mud, I’ll be easy to find. That’s because, in addition to the lasting impression I made on those who witnessed this event, I’m pretty sure there’s also a good impression of my face at the bottom of that pole…
Again, Thank You all for joining me on a regular basis for life’s face-plants.
(Ned Hickson is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation. His first book, Humor at the Speed of Life, is available from Port Hole Publications, Amazon.com or Barnes & Noble.)
Ned's Blog 
OKay- I hate it so much when the dog does this that I’m snickering evilly knowing it happens at your house too: “…when the dog rubs his butt on the carpet when we’re not home.” Except my dog does it in front of guests… ON PURPOSE
Figuratively speaking, it’s really not that much different than having a child 😉
Except we’re used to wiping children’s butts… the dog runs faster than me…
HaHaHa! It sounds like it might be time to diaper the dog 😉
WAs considering diapering my remaining geriatric chicken since she was cooking in our 116 heat… but she succumbed quicker than I could engineer a chicken diaper! Seriously. Coyote got the cat last month. Now the chicken. Just the but scooting dog left…
I can’t help but think if the chicken and cat were butt scooters they’d still be around today.
Hmmm… provocative thoughts as always Ned. No. An abundance of butt scooting would have sent me over the edge…
Ha! True. But you have to admit, a butt-scooting chicken would’ve been a great icebreaker for guests. Maybe even a new single for Brooks and Dunn, “Butt-Scoot Boogie”
I’m not going to lie….I think I just watched your face-plant about 20 times and I’m still laughing!! (with you, not at you) 😉
And congratulations on the big 50-0-0!! I’m happy to be a part of the growing number. I’m easing my way up to 2000….I have a long way to go!
It will come faster than you think.
And no, that’s not a “That’s what she said…” joke.
Haha….oh, how I’ve missed this banter. I’m glad quick wit is not one of your “shortcomings”. 🙂
That comment may be premature…
Haha….your humor does always rise to the occasion.
Lol!
I can’t stress just how impotent I think humor is.
Tell me…..don’t leave me hanging….haha!
Do you want the long version or the short version?
Never mind, that’s a stupid question…
Haha!
😉
“I’m laughing WITH you!”
Sure, that’s what they all say… 😉
😀
Wow that is phenomenal!!! 4,000 people in one year. Huge and well deserved congratulations 🙂
Thanks, Ann 😉
The best part of the video, your wife’s laugh, and then the comment “oh hunny, I didn’t get that”. The commentary made the video, though I have doubts it will go viral. Maybe a third take?
Congratulations on you 5000th follower, I believe I have thirty. C’est la vie.
I have to agree. My wife’s laughter is always my favorite part of anything.
I’m very proud to be one of the smart 30 who follow you 😉
Oh does your wife have a blog we should be checking out?
I think she should, but so far she’s not taking the bait. But I’ll keep trolling…
Priceless, Ned! I don’t know what was better … watching you slide down the pole, or hearing your wife’s pure laughter. Congrats (on the followers, not the fall…) as well!
Thanks so much, Erica!
And yeah, my wife’s laughter is my very favorite sound. Unless it’s bedtime… 😉
Congrats, Ned! Nice moves on the pole. I’m impressed.
Thanks, TD. It takes a lot of skill to leave a face impression that deep.
You should have used that imprint to make a cement cast of your face or something.
Hindsight.
Meaning I should have gone butt-first instead.
Well, that wouldn’t have been nearly as funny.
Well done, young fellow.
Thanks for being a part of it — and for being a true blogging friend, Ross.
And especially for calling me “young fellow.”
I believe you have it the other way around…you have so many followers because you “more than slightly odd”.
Congrats, my friend…couldn’t happen to a nicer guy…I know, I’ve tried.
High praise, considering the source, my friend 😉
* bow * 😀
CONGRATULATIONS NED!!! That’s awesome and totally deserved!!! I’m a huge – I laugh out loud on every post – “such as sitting on the couch, completely dry and nowhere near a pole — this would not have been a problem.” And seriously that faceplant was very special. You’re the greatest!
That really means a lot, considering how much I adore you and your writing, Molly. I’m always happy to do a faceplant for you 😉
If nothing else, you can sympathize with exotic dancers now. I thought firemen were used to poles.
Ha! We actually have to get certified in order to use the fire pole. I am certified, although if they ever saw this they might revoke it.
What is entailed other than going up and down? Carrying a person? Have you seen someone fail at this?
Believe it or not, there’s actually a specific procedure for 1) entering the gate that surrounds the pole, 2) how to wrap one leg around the pole and how to position your arms, and 3) the proper landing and “dismount.”
And yes, some people have had to make more than one attempt. You know, after getting their cast off.
!
I’m pretty sure your acrobatic skills earned you at least a few hundred followers right there.
P.S. I’m disappointed to know that there won’t be a payment. I may have to watch the video to make me feel better.
You’re not the first person to explain how seeing me land on my face made them feel better.
Is that a bad thing?
It depends on what my face lands on.
Congrats to you 🙂
Many thanks, CeeLee 😉
You have the grace of a swan bred with a teenage Chinese gymnast, then cross bred with a cement block. Lol. Thanks for the chuckle and kudos on all the followers. Damn, that’s a lot!
HAHAHA!
Grace runs in our family.
Actually, Grace is the only person who can run in our family.
And thanks, Don 😉
And here I was patting myself on the back for reaching 800! Now I feel like you in the video. Okay, it doesn’t matter how many times I watch that video I still laugh hysterically.
800 is nothing to sneeze at, Suz! Think of it as walking down the street with 800 people following you. Then try to get a table at your favorite restaurant.
Thanks for laughing 😉
bwahaha interesting way to look at it. Thanks 😀
You are the face(plant) of WordPress humor. Well done !
That is SO going on my resume’….
I expect royalties if you land a higher paying job.
That goes without saying. Meaning, I’m not going to tell you if I do… 😉
HAHAHAHAHA! That’s awesome! You should probably start planning now for how to celebrate the 10,000 mark (as I have no doubt you’ll get there) because this one is gonna be tough to beat.
: )
Considering by that time I’ll be 90, I’m thinking about a re-enactment — except with the added hilarity of seeing my walker go flying.
nah! It’ll happen long before you’re 50…Wait, what am I saying?! You’re only 38 now, so make that 40.
; )
I FEEL 10 years younger than I am, so yeah — let’s go with that 😉
and since that is one of the top three most awesome things anyone can every say, we’ll go with that.
You also nailed one of the other top 3 in your ‘about’ section when you said that you were married to the perfect woman.
You’re one of the few people excluded from the last one on my top 3 list…it’s that my job is my occupation, not who I am, it does not define me. YOU are a humor columnist and get to tell extremely funny stories for a living….so you get a pass on that one.
: )
In all honesty, it’s because I’ve been blessed with marrying the perfect woman that I can live the other two awesome things 😉
But thanks for the pass anyway; I was kind of sweating that one…
happy birthday and congrats on the mustering of your minions.
At first I thought it said “mustarding” of my minions. Now I want a hot dog…
But truly: Thanks, Beth 😉
As a long time lurker (reader), I am proud to be among the 5000. I really, really love your blog because you give me so much joy and laughter. As someone who is home bound, I rely on the webby world to keep me in touch with like minded people and you are definitely my kind of people. Thank and keep on keeping on. 🙂
And I’m proud to be your kind of people, Tez 😉
Thanks for lurking/reading, and for the kind words. I’ll do my best to give you a reason to laugh as often as I can while remaining clothed…
Thank You for entertaining us. Congratulations on acquiring so many susceptible followers for the “Misadventures of Ned”. Hugs, to you and your wife. 😀
Thank you so much, Ellen. And my hugs to you and Robert as well 😉
Getting 4,000 followers in one year. That’s quite impressive, must admit. Congrats!
By the way, how much did you pay them, for I’m sure I didn’t get any cash when I became a groupie.
You’re very welcome. By the time you hit 49 next year I can brag to people about knowing the (then) world famous Ned Hickson when he was still a pole dancer.
Ironically, it’s the pole dancing that could some day be my claim to fame. Or at least my medical claim.
Well, these times it’s very fashionable for people to become famous over a sex tape, so your take on pole dancing kinda falls into that category (which is probably why all the health care in the world won’t cover it;))
HAHAHAHAAAA—OOWWWCH!
I think I pulled a groin muscle again…
That’s what happens when you start making tapes like that at your age:P
I tend not to “follow” people because… well… I’m not a follower. It just sounds creepy to me. But in the name of science and historical significance, I will follow you. Or youse, if my Uncle Guido is watching. That is a huge number of people, I’m hoping personal hygiene exams are administered before anyone is allowed into the fold.
Thanks for being a reliable smile to what can sometimes be a mundane week.
Chris, I have pretty strict guidelines about who is allowed into the fold. I even wrote them down so they wouldn’t be forgotten. And as soon as I find where I put them, I will SOOO enforce them.
Until then, I’m truly glad to know I am reliably better than mundane.
Thanks, my friend 😉
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Must fight urge… to… mock, Ned… His success is genuine and deserved. System overloading from the need to reference words… like… Putz… Schmuck.. Yutz….
There’s no use fighting it, Hook. Let it flow. Assuming you don’t have a kidney stone.
HOW did I almost miss this? I’m a terrible friend/reader! So glad I backed up to check it out. Your wife’s laugh brought my husband up out bed to see what was going on in my office. He said it sounded like I was having entirely too much fun without him. Love the video!
Congrats on the 5000+ followers. Well-deserved! I’m already getting my speech ready for the grandkids…”I knew him back when…”
Have a great weekend!
Yeah, my wife’s laughter always makes it sound like we’re having entirely too much fun 😉
And, Michelle, you are anything but a terrible reader/friend. You’ve been the inspiration for more than a few NWOWs and posts, not to mention that 3,500 of those follows came immediately after I posted the photo of you with my book on the lawnmower.
Yes, gentlemen, she was holding a book… 😉
LMAO!! Oh my goodness, you know how to make a girl’s day.
Your comment sparked a completely wrong, but brilliant idea. Any chance you could send ME a picture of YOU on your mower? It would be the perfect accent to a post I’m working on right now. Pleeeeeeezzzzzz?!?
HAHAHA! I can totally do that! I’ll get something to you later today or tomorrow if that works. If you need it sooner, just let me know. Do I ned to know the context? Or more importantly, shouldI be scared?! 😉
Oh thank you!!! Today or tomorrow works just fine. My post probably won’t go up till mid-week.
No need to be scared, I promise (fingers crossed).
Actually, it’s part of a blog tour post that I’m doing on writing process. I was trying to find a way to work you into the post without having to “tag” you and make more work for you. A photo of you on the mower will be my segue into introducing your NWOW posts.
*evil laughter
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!!
Congrats on your 5,000th follower! I can say I knew you when . . .
You’ll always be able to say that 😉
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