My tips for Tim McGraw on how not to excite women

This is just like most of my public appearances, except without the women. Or security. Or anything, really...

This is just like most of my public appearances, except without the women. Or security. Or anything, really…

As I watched the recent footage of a female fan clawing at Tim McGraw’s pant leg, causing him to shove her hand away in an attempt to avoid being dragged into a sea of crazed women, I silently nodded my head in understanding.

Being that my job has kept me in the public eye for more than a decade, I have some advice for the country superstar when it comes to avoiding overzealous women trying to get their hands on you:

Become a humor columnist.

In the last 15 years, the closest I’ve come to having a strange woman grab at me was during a fundraiser dinner, when part of my pulled-pork sandwich went down the wrong way and a nurse in the audience gave me the Heimlich Maneuver.

And while I thought she had taken a button from my sport coat as a keepsake, surveillance footage showed it popping off during a chest thrust. Which wasn’t the least bit sexy.

For anyone.

The truth is, men like Tim McGraw need a team of security specialists coordinating crowd control for shows and public appearances. By comparison, my recent reading at a public library required a security force of one just off-duty Walmart greeter — who, as it turned out, was only there because the library calendar mistakenly listed a presentation on genealogy that day. Fortunately, we were able to talk him into greeting dozens of others who, after learning I was the featured guest, had to be escorted out by a more calloused late-fee librarian.

That’s because, while women often say a sense of humor is an extremely sexy quality in a man, let’s face it: No one tells a joke quite like a shirtless Ryan Gosling.

To test this theory, I actually had Ryan Gosling join me for a bookstore reading. Both of us were shirtless. He went first and had the audience of mostly women laughing hysterically. Not to say that I didn’t. It’s just that I hadn’t started reading from my book yet.

What I can tell you is I never realized how hilarious my book’s copyright information was until it was being read by Gosling.

As a service to men like Gosling and McGraw, here are a few tips I have found to be successful when it comes to avoiding the creation of a woman frenzy. First, try being a little less attractive. While it’s true that six-pack abs are seen as an indication of your commitment to fitness, anyone can pop open a cold one; but tapping a pony keg requires real commitment.

Also, pace yourself with the talent a bit. Just because you’re an award-winning performer doesn’t mean you need to perform at the highest level every time.

If you’re reading this, then you understand what I mean.

Lastly, a little clumsiness wouldn’t hurt. Actually, that’s not entirely true; it should definitely hurt a little. But speaking from experience, nothing stops droves of frenzied women in their tracks faster than a really bad cartwheel that ends with you hugging tree trunk.

Especially if all you’ve been drinking is diet soda.

If you utilize these techniques, rest assured you can go to any library, grocery store or public appearance and not cause women to go crazy — or, with enough practice, any reaction whatsoever.

But just to be safe, I’d also stay away from the pulled pork.

(Ned Hickson is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation. His first book, Humor at the Speed of Life, is available from Port Hole Publications, Amazon.com or Barnes & Noble.)

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67 thoughts on “My tips for Tim McGraw on how not to excite women

  1. Excellent work, Ned. I oftentimes avoid showering and brushing my teeth for days in the hopes that it’ll help to keep the women at bay. It appears to work pretty fantastically with the ladies under my roof, for sure.

  2. Oh Ned,
    You definitely know sexy! In fact, I was going to completely pass on looking at anything on WP today in order to do something productive (like what I actually get paid to do during the day).

    And then there was Tim.
    And then Ryan.
    And then something about you popping a button.

    Hmmm….where are the durned cigarettes when a girl needs ’em!

    Here’s a little extra for the ladies 🙂

  3. There is no question that Ryan Gosling is attractive, I mean, he is Canadian, thus why wouldn’t he be? That be said, I have yet to see an unattractive fireman, at least in Canada. 😉

  4. What is the, “I find funny men very attractive” thing all about? The funniest guy I ever knew is still un married and may have never been on an actual date. (I am not speaking of myself.)

  5. As a groupie expert, you know as in being one, kind of, well, for at least one person, but he is in fact, a humor columnist, so that kind of makes it a sort of non-existent position really, but still….. I guess you know how to give the best advice to Tim, after all.

    P.S. The Hook told on you in the comments of my last post. You better watch out for a bear rushing at you faster than the right hook of a lion, Hickson. 😉

    • Hahaha! I’m honestly not sure what he’s talking about, although he did just respond today to a Tweet I posted about a month ago, so there’s no telling. Although whatever it was I said about you I’m sure it was flattering. I’ve seen your mane of hair and learned my lesson from the last lion encounter I had 😉

      And being my official groupie, you’ve earned a certain level of grabbiness. Especially if I’m eating pulled pork…

      • You really know how to make me laugh. I can’t stay mad at you.

        He made it up, it wasn’t a true reference to anything, just a toe dig into the dirt by a guy who can’t dig into much else at the moment. LOL. Poor Hook. Did you see the shout-out he gave to you in his July 10th post? hehehe.

        Anyway, always a ton of fun to touch base with you guys, and I loooove pulled pork.. Don’t go there, Hickson!

        • I’ve been a terrible blog friend as of late, even with the new posting schedule. I’m taking a two-week vacation next month during my birthday, and the gift to myself is going to be spending time catching up with everyone.

          And in regard to the pulled pork, are e still talking about what happened to Tim McGraw? 😉

  6. Something tells me Tim McGraw will read this. If he’s joined on stage by Ryan Gosling next time you’ll know he has taken you up on your advice.
    I for one have a hard time imagining Tim McGraw as sexy. It’s his name. Whenever I see him, I think of Dr. Phil…

  7. All Tim needs to do is remove his hat…I am done. PUT THE HAT ON! Kenny Chesney was cute (to me) once, too. Took off his hat in one of his early music videos and I was all done with him, too. It’s not that I don’t like bald…it’s just that some of those people look fantastic with that hat on…but send some of us into a shock we don’t expect when it comes off. I think I might rather enjoy watching you being rescued from choking to death on pulled pork sandwich more, actually. 🙂

    • I remember that video! “Key Lime Pie!” It totally freaked me out, too. I’m still a big fan of Kenny Chesney, but I wish he’d go back to the black hat.

      And the next time I have a pulled pork sandwich, I’ll give you a heads up 😉

  8. Pingback: As you might expect, I’m celebrating this milestone with a face-plant | Ned's Blog

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