It was 14 years ago this week that the bucardo mountain goat became extinct after a tree fell on the last of its species in northern Spain, prompting scientists to ponder the age-old question:
If a tree falls on a goat in the woods, does it make a sound?
To that end, U.S. and Spanish researchers are now collaborating to utilize cells preserved in liquid nitrogen to create the very first clone of an extinct species — beginning with the bucardo, whose scientific name is goatus stupidus. While I can appreciate the enormity of this scientific milestone, it also raises a fundamental question about our genetic science capabilities:
Should we duplicate an animal that wasn’t smart enough to avoid its own doom by moving a couple of hooves to the left?
According to researchers, the Massachusetts-based company currently working on the goat project has already cloned the near-extinct gaur — a humpbacked cow from southeast Asia that is on the endangered species list because of its propensity to get stuck in small openings and starve to death.
And what about the meestupido, a relative of the polar bear that resides in Siberia and is now dwindling in numbers because of its flawed instinct to stop eating and remove all of its hair before going into hibernation?
Angola’s yellow-billed, purging cockatoo? The extremely rare, trunk-swallowing elephants of China? The sand-drinking lizards of the Sahara that tragically fill themselves with sand and are then sold as hacky sacks?
The point is, I believe our growing capability to de-extinct a species makes it necessary to devise guidelines to help determine the difference between extinction and “natural selection.”
Because I know scientists are busy, and because if I end my column here it would be about 250 words too short, I took it upon myself to host an impromptu conference call with a panel of philosophers, geneticists, researchers and an extra from the original Jurassic Park.
Our objective?
Composed a short list of considerations that can help genetic scientists determine those species that should be rescued from the brink of extinction — and those that were meant to jump off the edge.
Immediately, we all agreed Justin Bieber should never be cloned. Even if he is struck by a falling tree or gets stuck in a revolving door. Either of which is entirely possible.
We also determined that in order to be cloned, a species should:
1) Not be instinctively suicidal.
2) In some way advance the eco-system, either by its direct contribution to the food chain, or by its marketing potential as a mascot for fast-food chains.
3) Not be any type of insect (Everyone on the panel agreed that we have plenty).
4) Not resemble a species we already have; between brown chickens and white chickens, one will have to go.
5) Never have been the subject of a Stephen King novel.
6) Have potential as an offering to alien invaders.
7) Be no bigger than an SUV.
If scientists follow this basic list of criteria, we will be able to prevent the tragic duplication of things like flightless birds, lemmings, rabid St. Bernards, lawyers and the beakless hummingbird.
And let me just say that, for the sake of our own species, we really need to get our obesity problem under control if we want to avoid No. 7.
(Ned Hickson is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation. His first book, Humor at the Speed of Life, is available from Port Hole Publications, Amazon.com or Barnes & Noble.)
Ned's Blog 
If I may, I would like to add:
8) When cooked, does it taste like bacon, smell like bacon and in anyway act as a true substitute for bacon (see also: not vegan fakon)
I knew I should’ve called you first!! Yeah, if it has bacon-like properties it moves to the top of the de-extinct list.
9) Anything that smells like a 14-year-old boy’s football jersey/hockey mask/wrestling shoes. I think that smell may be been cloned in medieval times and continues to mutate in my son’s bathroom. And, come to think of it, the bathroom could be a scientific laboratory all its own.
Yikes. Based on this smell test, I think I may be in trouble when I face extinction… 😉
Lawyers could learn a lesson from lemmings.
LOL! 😉
Thank you Walt Disney for establishing the suicidal rodents myth.
Oooh, perhaps we could reverse your genetic thesis and make a list of species (or human subspecies) that should be allowed to go extinct! 😀
Again with the Justin Bieber references…
I’m sorry for saying this on your family-friendly blog, but Justin Bieber can go clone himself.
Sometimes, such as in this case, the message is more important than the rating.
HA! I think the only ones that doesn’t exclude humans from cloning are #3 and #6. AND, #3 is questionable, I’ve meet a few leeches and gnats in my life.
: )
Yeah, and somehow they keep getting cloned.
Also, no Kardashians (unless said Kardashians are raised in the same cage as any Dahmers who may mistakenly be regenerated and need to be fed).
Actually, my money’s on the Kim clones…
Especially if there are shoes involved.
But if we eliminate the Kardashians, the entire chemical industry may go under…all that silicone and botox going to waste (waist?)
We’d lose the Silicone Valley. Not THAT one, the one in California.
Without Justin we would have a perfect world and since Eden is closed we have B. instead.
My timing is always way off…
My cat licks itself until all the fur is gone. I am removing it from the list.
Oh… and myself. After all, the world certainly doesn’t need another Chris Brown.
I’m willing to make an exception in your case, as long as you promise to never lick the cat.
My daughter wore soccer shin guards, oven mitts, and a goalie mask when she first approached this cat. If I ever licked the darned thing, there’s not much chance I would survive. Thus the cloning decision would become a little more urgent.
I appreciate the sentiment.
I think the booby hatch should be cloned, as well as the tit.
Sorry, I am a real horned toad today.
Some days, you just have to make the breast of it.
If I could, I would keep my victories secret.
what will this mean to all of the winners of the darwin awards? (those who perish before their time for embarrassing and stupid reasons) ?
They will be replaced by goats.
Nanny Boo Boo
Cloning is the last thing our scientists should be concerned with. If they succeeded I’m certain the Kardashians would be all over that…
Followed by the Four Horseman.
It’s the Justin Bieber thing again, I think it’s time to pick on someone closer to home, lol. Cloning, I think it is just a bad idea. Sooner or later some weird scientist is going to want to try and clone humans, another head you said sir? Yeah, bad idea.
Yeah, I’d say quit while you’re a head.
If we need offerings for Alien invaders, especially if they would consider the cloned creature as a food source, then we should actually include Justin Bieber, i.e the perfect junk food for aliens.
That is an excellent point, my friend! Can we keep the clones at your house?
No, you may not. As a father it is my duty to protect Princess from any asexual beings with disgusting facial hair.
LOL! I can totally relate to that.
The father thing, not the asexual with facial hair challenges…
I cannot endorse #2emphatically enough. I once served as a mascot for a popular fast-food chain during a major college bowl game. (I earned the position by responding to a job posting that said, “Seeking cow with musical skills.”) I spent most of the game conducting marching bands and trying to incite the crowd, as bovines are wont to do. But my duties did not end there. My presence was requested for the the awards ceremony. As I stood on the dais, basking in a moment of mascot glory, the linebacker next to me grabbed my arm, spun me towards him, yelled, “I LOVE YOU, COW MAN!” and then proceeded to head-butt me right off the stage.
HaHAHAHaHaHaHAHAHA! If only everyone had recording devices then, that would’ve gone viral!
Thanks for taking the hit for all of us 😉
Agreed on nothing that bites or stings, like insects. I think Cujo could eat an SUV, so no rabid St Bernards is also a good policy. Also nothing feline. Or slithery.
Agreed. Although Cat Woman might be an exception.
This was just great. That’s it.
Thanks.
I’m done here.
I wish scientists would push the pause button on cloning and just work on blocking the reproduction of stupid people. Have you ever noticed that worthless individuals can spit out 12 kids before they turn 30? These are the people who leave their shopping carts beside the corral … 🙂
HaHaHaHaHaHa! 😉
When I read the opening paragraph I just knew this was going to be one of your funniest posts yet! That said, many many years ago I insisted on sleeping top bunk. In my sleep I rolled over and fell a few feet to the ground. In other words, don’t be too hard on goatus stupidus, because I can relate to it:S
Haha! I will advocate for your cloning should a tree ever fall on you, Arend!
Thanks, that makes me feel better;)
But #7 precludes being able to clone either the black or white rhino that is on the verge of extinction right now! I agree about Justin Bieber – is there a way we can make this retroactive?
Can’t we just split the difference, get the black and white rhinos to mate, and settle on a grey one?
And I have lobbyists working on the Bieber thing.