With mankind’s orbiting studio apartment the International Space Station offering an extra room, and spaceflight becoming more available to the general public, let’s face it; the Re/Max hot air balloon will be replaced by a space shuttle before we know it.
For sale: One-bedroom module. Quiet setting on outskirts of gravity belt. Comes with docking port. Pressurized for maximum comfort. Solor-powered utilities. Includes hot plate. Only two days from Earth. $1 billion obo.
As exciting as the prospect of living in space is, we should temper our enthusiasm with a level of caution. Just like buying a fixer-upper in the Ozark Mountains through someone on the Internet, purchasing a residence 230 miles above the earth can be risky.
During a real estate symposium held last week in Washington D.C., agents stressed that there are a lot of things to consider when looking for a little spot in the solar system to call your own. Consumer activist Ralph Nader further emphasized that notion in his newly released consumer handbook, Don’t Get Hosed By Your Space House.
After sifting through information from both sources, I believe I’ve managed to boil things down to the basics.
• Stay away from black holes:
Believe it or not, most insurance companies won’t cover your home if it’s swallowed by one of these. What makes potential homebuyers particularly susceptible is that, though often the size of Jupiter, black holes are hard to see. Signs that you’re looking at a home near a black hole include 1) Shifts in the space-time continuum and 2) A constant rumbling sound equal to the explosion of 100 suns.
A simple test is to turn on a lamp. If the light bends and disappears into space, consider seeing what else your agent has to offer.
• Avoid fixer-uppers:
As tempting as the price may be, before buying a space home that requires some do-it-yourself work, conduct the following experiment: Put on SCUBA gear and build a dog house at the bottom of an Olympic-sized pool. The conditions you’ll experience will be similar to those you’ll face in space. Just remember to factor in the possibility of floating off into the cosmos for eternity, an occasional meteor shower and temperatures of -200 degrees, and you’ll have a good idea of what you can expect to encounter while building that new addition.
• Check for the basics:
Don’t just assume that your home comes with a urine-filtration system for making drinking water (Hint: Tell your agent that you’re thirsty. If he or she offers you an Evian, ask to look at a different home.)
And, finally,
• Stay within the gravity belt:
Though drifting aimlessly through space is certainly exotic, remaining in a constant orbit around the earth has its advantages. For one, satellite-TV reception is a snap. Also, you can often save yourself a trip to earth for supplies by calling ahead and having NASA drop off your groceries on the way. The only real down side is that, because you’ll be traveling at 17,500 mph, giving accurate directions to your home for parties becomes a real challenge.
There are certainly other considerations when purchasing a home in outer space. Things like travel time to and from work, that whole burning-up-in-the-atmosphere thing, the frustration of trying to poop-scoop in zero gravity. But there’s one bonus you won’t find in many residences purchased on earth:
A built-in vacuum.
Ned Hickson is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation. His first book, Humor at the Speed of Life, is available from Port Hole Publications, Amazon.com or Barnes & Noble.
Ned's Blog 
And reality continues to ruin my life.
There’s always time-shares.
Something to consider after the beta version has been fully vetted. Which reminds me, can I take my ‘Vette?
I’m holding out for the return of laser discs, myself.
Okay, I’ll go with that. Since I don’t have a ‘Vette.
I actually thought a ‘Vette was a Starbuck’s coffee size.
Yes. Yes it is. It was instituted exclusively for men of a certain age — Starbucks sells it by the gallon.
I hope it includes a urine filtration system.
That’s part of the standard package (see what I did there) with any space house.
I like to think of myself as having more than just a “standard package.” Of course, I’m the only one who thinks so, but still…
I’ve heard that 99% of … just about anything … is in the mind. I’m sure you’re fine.
Oh my god I want a house like that so bad… I don’t even care if my head explodes out there.
I don’t think that’s covered under your All-State homeowner’s insurance either…
What if I just want a little apartment on an asteroid somewhere? As long as said asteroid doesn’t start meandering towards Earth such that Bruce Willis will want to come up and explode it, why not?
Ha! I don’t see why not. From what I understand, there’s a whole subdivision being developed by a group of proctologists on Uranus.
Another major inconveniences to consider are the zip code that changes every couple of seconds and a lack of good schools within 200 miles.
Definitely need to home-school any kids. But the changing zip code could be a plus if you want to avoid creditors.
Lemme guess: You can find ads for these homes in the orbituaries. (PS The last line of your post sucked!)
Blow me.
In space, nobody can hear you scream…at these INCREDIBLE PRICES!
I’ve heard all you have to do is make an offer on Uranus.
Bloody Plutocracy!
“If you want it, you should’a put a (Saturn) ring on it…”
— Beyonce’
Just me or is it ironic that women are supposedly from some place that rhymes with penis?
It’s even more ironic that Venus isn’t at the center of the universe instead of the sun…
I think maybe you made this up….maybe.
So…. you wouldn’t believe me if I told you I spent time at NASA researching this?
Yeah, I wouldn’t either.
Maybe but I would need you to spell out what NASA is the acronym for in your case.
No Apparent Space Allergies.
and the weight thing. it could be very flattering )
“Hey, I’m down on the scale again!”
“We’re in zero gravity.”
“It still counts, right?”
Ok, I’m sold!
It doesn’t matter if you’re as skinny as Taylor Swift; everyone looks like the spawn of Michelin Man in those space suits. Sorry:(
Reblogged this on So Far Left I'm Right and commented:
I’m laughing inside.
You lost a sale when you told X homeschooling would be a necessity. Oh, hell no!
I would still conduct that experiment building a dog house, but I don’t know anyone with an Olympic-sized pool
*puts on SCUBA gear anyway*
I anticipate the biggest challenge won’t be the gear or lack of mobility, but hammering the nails. Plus Michael Phelps trying to pick upon you while you’re working.
Why does a 1973 album cover from Pink Floyd keep flashing in my head?
I promise it was only fruit loops I was eating when I read this.
Um… snorting Froot Loops isn’t the same as eating them;)
While the vac and the weight thing are attractive benefits, I’m afraid the only way I’d sign up is only if I were guaranteed a few spacewalks tethered to George Clooney. And I promise I’ll never let go.
“You have to let me go, Darla. You’re putting a crimp in my air hose…”
At least there wouldn’t be any grass to cut…
Or nosey neighbors. At least until the alien invasion. Then: There goes the neighborhood…
Reblogged this on Art by Rob Goldstein.