Want a space house? It’s hard to make a down payment in zero gravity

image With mankind’s orbiting studio apartment the International Space Station offering an extra room, and spaceflight becoming more available to the general public, let’s face it; the Re/Max hot air balloon will be replaced by a space shuttle before we know it.

For sale: One-bedroom module. Quiet setting on outskirts of gravity belt. Comes with docking port. Pressurized for maximum comfort. Solor-powered utilities. Includes hot plate. Only two days from Earth. $1 billion obo.

As exciting as the prospect of living in space is, we should temper our enthusiasm with a level of caution. Just like buying a fixer-upper in the Ozark Mountains through someone on the Internet, purchasing a residence 230 miles above the earth can be risky.

During a real estate symposium held last week in Washington D.C., agents stressed that there are a lot of things to consider when looking for a little spot in the solar system to call your own. Consumer activist Ralph Nader further emphasized that notion in his newly released consumer handbook, Don’t Get Hosed By Your Space House.

After sifting through information from both sources, I believe I’ve managed to boil things down to the basics.

Stay away from black holes:
Believe it or not, most insurance companies won’t cover your home if it’s swallowed by one of these. What makes potential homebuyers particularly susceptible is that, though often the size of Jupiter, black holes are hard to see. Signs that you’re looking at a home near a black hole include 1) Shifts in the space-time continuum and 2) A constant rumbling sound equal to the explosion of 100 suns.

A simple test is to turn on a lamp. If the light bends and disappears into space, consider seeing what else your agent has to offer.

Avoid fixer-uppers:
As tempting as the price may be, before buying a space home that requires some do-it-yourself work, conduct the following experiment: Put on SCUBA gear and build a dog house at the bottom of an Olympic-sized pool. The conditions you’ll experience will be similar to those you’ll face in space. Just remember to factor in the possibility of floating off into the cosmos for eternity, an occasional meteor shower and temperatures of -200 degrees, and you’ll have a good idea of what you can expect to encounter while building that new addition.

Check for the basics:
Don’t just assume that your home comes with a urine-filtration system for making drinking water (Hint: Tell your agent that you’re thirsty. If he or she offers you an Evian, ask to look at a different home.)

And, finally,

Stay within the gravity belt:
Though drifting aimlessly through space is certainly exotic, remaining in a constant orbit around the earth has its advantages. For one, satellite-TV reception is a snap. Also, you can often save yourself a trip to earth for supplies by calling ahead and having NASA drop off your groceries on the way. The only real down side is that, because you’ll be traveling at 17,500 mph, giving accurate directions to your home for parties becomes a real challenge.

"Some party. Was it my directions?"
“Some party. Was it my directions?”

There are certainly other considerations when purchasing a home in outer space. Things like travel time to and from work, that whole burning-up-in-the-atmosphere thing, the frustration of trying to poop-scoop in zero gravity. But there’s one bonus you won’t find in many residences purchased on earth:

A built-in vacuum.

Ned Hickson is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation. His first book, Humor at the Speed of Life, is available from Port Hole Publications, Amazon.com or Barnes & Noble.

Published by

Ned's Blog

I was a journalist, humor columnist, writer and editor at Siuslaw News for 23 years. The next chapter in my own writer’s journey is helping other writers prepare their manuscript for the road ahead. I'm married to the perfect woman, have four great kids, and a tenuous grip on my sanity...

43 thoughts on “Want a space house? It’s hard to make a down payment in zero gravity”

  1. What if I just want a little apartment on an asteroid somewhere? As long as said asteroid doesn’t start meandering towards Earth such that Bruce Willis will want to come up and explode it, why not?

  2. You lost a sale when you told X homeschooling would be a necessity. Oh, hell no!

    I would still conduct that experiment building a dog house, but I don’t know anyone with an Olympic-sized pool
    *puts on SCUBA gear anyway*

    1. I anticipate the biggest challenge won’t be the gear or lack of mobility, but hammering the nails. Plus Michael Phelps trying to pick upon you while you’re working.

  3. While the vac and the weight thing are attractive benefits, I’m afraid the only way I’d sign up is only if I were guaranteed a few spacewalks tethered to George Clooney. And I promise I’ll never let go.

No one is watching, I swear...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s