As a journalist, I’m trained to recognize even the most subtle signs of trouble:
A reluctant glance.
A misspoken word.
A filtration mask in my McDonald’s food sack.
Aside from the mask being rendered useless by grease after being wedged between my Sausage McMuffin and hash brown, it also made me wonder if the American public isn’t being told the truth about the potential threat of Ebola spreading outside of Texas. Possibly even into parts of Canada. But not Mexico, where the drinking water has made residents immune to everything but tequila worms. Because of this, I have boarded a plane for Dallas to provide a special report tomorrow at Long Awkward Pause — which provided me with this Ebola detection system:
If I come up missing before tomorrow’s report, start with the monkey…
Ned Hickson is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation. His first book, Humor at the Speed of Life, is available from Port Hole Publications, Amazon.com or Barnes & Noble.
Ned's Blog 
Good luck, sir. (Please avoid the movie Contagion on your flight)
And please don’t worry about Canada…we’ve been laying down an extra thick layer of maple syrup along the border that should catch most errant viruses…think of it as a Sappy No Pest Strip (not unlike the electric fencing used by exotic dancers).
Ned in a thing? Oh la la
Not thing thong.
I sometimes get the two mixed up because of their proximity to each other.
Scary as heck!
I like to live dangerously. Wait, you weren’t talking about eating McDonald’s food were you…
No hehe…;-) sugar-coated crap on media about REAL status of Ebola spread…like that Z movie…
I don’t trust the monkey! 😉
I’m even suspicious of Curious George.
I appreciate satire as much as the next guy but if MickeyD is supplying masks to their patrons it does strike me as a bit news worthy… “Scary as Heck!” pretty much sums it up…
It can’t be too serious, right? I mean, the mask has a Ronald McD smile on it…
maybe this explains why taco bell includes an armpit thermometer with their breakfast chalupa supreme nacho grande dorito fire volcano burrito.
I got the empanada and a rectal thermometer. What gives?
yeh, it’s why i tend to stay away from the empanada
Thanks for the tip. On the empanada, not the thermometer…
Well, with a cat names nacho, I can’t take any chancea
True. You already took enough chances naming your cat “Nacho.” 😉
Well Ned some of us in the alternative community think this and also dread the thought of a government mandated vaccine. And don’t eat the beef.
I hear you, Sarah. But it’s the government-mandated beef that worries me the most.
Don’t eat the stuff myself. You (may) be joking, always hard to tell in print. However, no-one in the US will take a blood donation from me because I lived in the UK during the whole ‘mad cow’ travesty.
That’s kind of silly. If I needed it, I’d take your blood as long as you have gone through anger management classes.
OK now I get your drift! It’s true though. Guess that gets me out of blood donation over here.
I suppose so, Sarah. Unless a mad cow needs a transfusion, you’re probably safe 😉
LOL
Good luck! I’m not so sure about your monkey companion though…looks a little suspicious to me.
I wouldn’t trust him any farther than I can throw him. And depending on how things go, we might find out just how far that is…
My guess is pretty darn far!
If necessary, I’ll punt him 😉
Too funny wear the mask! They think Ebola is in Canada already. 😦
I wouldn’t worry. It’s probably just someone with a head cold sneezing up maple syrup.
That’s a strong possibility and maybe a little bacon!
I wrote about the handles on urinals in an amusement park. Think that we pull the lever and then wash our hands. Next person pulls the same lever to flush the urinal and then washes his hands. Or he does not and the Ebola carrier has passed it on. I think we should piss in the saucers on the teacup ride. Safer?
*Adds “wipe down seats on saucer ride” to list of vacation reminders*
I’m not sure which was more entertaining. Your post or reading the comments! Travel safe my friend. Watch out for that monkey!
Everyone seems to agree bringing the monkey was a mistake.
Except the monkey…
A filtration mask printed with that (above) monkey’s mouth – I would definitely wear that into McDonalds!
I usually look like that after I’ve eaten there… without the mask.
I’m sure you will be fine, if not, please do not come to Canada. My apologies.
I understand. No hard feelings. But I’m sending Justin Bieber back in my place.
How does Ebola look NOW, Catherine!
Damn, that Bieber keeps ruining everything. Fine you can come, I’m sure we have an isolation booth in the the north. Nothing survives the cold.
Thanks for the warm welcome… or whatever.
I hear you can get a cheap flight with Frontier. (too soon?)
I hear the in-flight meal is to die for… (yeah, probably too soon.)
It’s like a happy meal, but it’s called a mass hysteria meal!
Haha! I usually just get it for the toy.
oh good, I was scanning the comments knowing I would find the Happy Meal angle. 😀 (comes in symptomatic and asymptomatic varieties)
I see: symptomatic for boys’ meals and asymptomatic for the girls;)
Yeah, I was thinking “too vague?” then figured, no ones watching so…
anyway… vive la différence
Wee wee!
…or lack thereof.
I see we’re back to Dr. Fauci again…
He has revised the estimate on the likelihood of contracting Ebola from wee-wee to: http://www.straitstimes.com/sites/straitstimes.com/files/imagecache/ST_REVAMP_2014_STORY_PAGE_640X360/20141015/Emak-Ebola-151014e.jpg
HAHAHAHA! Typical man…
Did anyone but me think about taking the temperatures of those flying into the Sates BEFORE they boarded the plane?…Next candidate for infection…Pilots and Flight Attendants, not to mention the African monkeys that are stowing away in the luggage hole.
Thanks for volunteering. I look forward to saying “doesn’t he look great” while you lie in your coffin.
You’d think while they’re patting us down and having us walk through X-ray machines someone could get our temperature during the strip search.
To put you at ease Ned…
I’m 30 minutes from Dallas and the McDonalds are not aiding in the prevention of Ebola yet…
Still aiding in the spread of diabetes though!!
Lol! That would explain the Hello Kitty syringe in the kid’s meal.
She’s hot right now!!
Moderate Daddy and I are at the DFW airport right now…
all the stores are out of hand sanitizer…
so… if you want to live…
bring your own 😉
Thanks for the heads-up. I’m bringing a suitcase full of hand sanitizer to sell on the black market!
I wouldn’t eat that food if I were you. The monkey might have sneezed (or worse) on it. Be safe!
I think I had something similar thrown at me while visiting the monkey cages once.
I wouldn’t be surprised if they started stuffing these in Happy Meals.
A diabetes testing kit wouldn’t be a bad idea either.
Hahahahahahahaha!
I’m still scared and I’m a long way away! 😦
It’s true: there’s no escaping McDonalds.
Or were you talking about Ebola..?
I guess a bit of both!!!
Luckily, here in Japan I think we are likely immune, the affects of Fukushima to thank for that. Still, masks are popular here so maybe the radiation hasn’t kill all the germs, in fact it may have created some…come to think of it.
Use a mask and maybe gloves in Dallas, ebola aside, the football teams stinks so it may have something there.
Hahahaha! I’ll stay away from Cowboy Stadium just to be safe!
How strange! Though I’d rather discover an Ebola-infected mask in my McHappy Meal over a beak on one of my nuggets, that’s for sure…
Oh no…seasoned and cooked carefully, beaks can often be the highlight of the drunken TV football watchin’ husband and his friends…just don’t offer floss when they’re done…
Unless the beak is wearing a filtration mask; that’s usually trouble.
I lol’d. Nailed it with your expression.
Thanks, Bradley!
Actually, I look like that most of the time…
It’s awesome. Dig your blog.
I’m really not comfortable starting with your monkey, Ned…
Maybe after a few drinks then…