Male aversion to holiday shopping linked to survival instinct

(Today, I’m at bat over at Long Awkward Pause! Mostly because Chris really hates it when we play baseball in the office…)

Most men won't admit to being afraid of female holiday shoppers
Many men won’t admit to being afraid of female holiday shoppers. The others are still alive.

It’s an American tradition: Kicking off the holiday shopping season by spending the morning after Thanksgiving standing in line at your favorite department store, shivering in the pre-dawn hours, determined to be among the first to get through the doors before your holiday dinner bowel movement hits. It’s a calculated risk, but one we are willing to take in order to make our loved ones’ holiday dreams come true, even if it means wearing Depends Undergarments and knocking fellow shoppers unconscious with a Spongebob Squarepants beach chair.

Admittedly, the last time I participated in the madness of holiday shopping was several years ago as an observer, which is a little like trying to be an “observer” while standing in a mosh pit. One minute I was leaning on a rack of scarves; the next minute I was being used as a battering ram by two large women trying to knock over an electric cart that was blocking the video game aisle.

The women’s names were “Marge” and “Judy.” I know this because, each time before swinging me head first, I would hear the following exchange:

“Ready, Marge!”
“You bet your sweet ASS, Judy!”

After three tries the cart was cleared and I was tossed — discarded, really — onto a table of wool sweaters, where I remained in a fetal position until the three-hour sale ended… (Read more at LAP!)


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Ned's Blog

I was a journalist, humor columnist, writer and editor at Siuslaw News for 23 years. The next chapter in my own writer’s journey is helping other writers prepare their manuscript for the road ahead. I'm married to the perfect woman, have four great kids, and a tenuous grip on my sanity...

25 thoughts on “Male aversion to holiday shopping linked to survival instinct”

  1. You never disappoint w/ your posts. You are seriously one funny guy. And brave. Let me not forget to mention brave. I’m looking for items off my desk to gift wrap for Christmas presents. #Practicality and #Laziness

  2. The more I read your posts which sort of touch upon the gender thingy… the more I think my body is wrong about my gender, but it insists it’s right and that my thinking it is wrong is wrong.

    I hate shopping at any time of year, and am very creative about avoiding it due to years of practice and survival stuff… I was about to make a reference, but wasn’t sure if you knew who Ray Mears is. I even have very good reasons why no one gets anything at Christmastime or otherwise… okay not very good reasons just ones which people are a bit nervous to challenge due to a crazy license bought by someone else but given to me some birthdays ago. I still like this gift! Use it up wear it out, make it do or do without! It still does what it says on the label.

    Learned how to be a person from this film (a gift which was watched with delight at such a quirky gift) – – How to be a Man (2013) – man? woman? person? human? Same thing, right? Or are we supposed to act according to gender stereotypes handed out by Santa when he (she?) ran out of options for gifts but still had to fill needy gift-seeking hands?

    Very funny, enjoyed the post (sorry about the comment, you inspire me with… or do I just do that naturally?)

    1. Very few things do what it says on the label or as advertised, so I’d definitely use that license for as long as possible. And depending on what you learned from surivialist Ray Mears, that could be a very long time 😉

  3. NOT EVEN IF IT WERE FREE!! would I stand in any line and shop retail the day after Thanksgiving!! You and I would be in the same support group if I ever needed anything that much… ha ha! I hate to shop ANY time of year except sometimes for clothes if I am in the right mood. I like to look pretty 🙂
    But even then I pull just about everything I want to try on, take it to the dressing room, put it on and look in the mirror and make a decision. Then go to next piece. I can try 10 pieces on in less than 10 minutes. Hubby actually doesn’t mind gong with me! LOL!
    I DON’T buy Christmas for hardly anyone but I will this year since I have a brand new baby niece born just yesterday. Babies are a blast! 😀
    The holidays are stressful and I can’t wait to get them behind me most years. However this year we have tickets to see TCU beat UT Austin in football! so no turkey or dressing or pecan pie that I have to cook! woohoo! and I won’t even go into my feelings about the commercial aspects of Christmas I hate. I was in a Sports Authority the other day (mind you it was 80 freaking degrees outside here in Texas) and they were playing CHRISTMAS music and wearing Santa hats? Really??? O M G! It keeps getting earlier…. 😦

    1. It sounds like you and your family have a lot to celebrate this holiday season, Courtney! Babies are always a great excuse to buy things and act in ways when we’re around them we wouldn’t otherwise act unless we had too many beers. Making goofy faces and goo-goo sounds.

      I lived in Dallas for six years, and MAN do I miss really good pecan pie 😦

      Try to stay cool this Christmas and enjoy that new neice! And Gig ’em Horns!

  4. I hate shopping period. As far as Christmas I usually only have one or two gifts to buy. I shop early like I’m done now. Or I shop online. I want to keep what sanity I have left. I hope this year when you go, you remember to where your football uniform!

  5. Forget the big TV bargain. I’m going for the Spongebob Squarepants beach chair bashing, Ned-As-battering Ram, the hapless “Todd” separated from the herd…

No one is watching, I swear...

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