Before you buy that Christmas gift, ask Mr. Knowitall

image [Note: If your name is Diana Dupree, do NOT read this!]

Since the introduction of Mr. Knowitall, who is our resident historian, economist, food critic, movie reviewer, foreign affairs consultant, science correspondent, consumer products expert and vending machine repairman (not necessarily in that order), many of you have written in seeking advice about holiday gift-giving.

Due to the enormous volume of email we received, they will be answered through a lottery-style process — which means that, until he wins the lottery, Mr. Knowitall will continue to answer your questions.

So let us begin.

Dear Mr. Knowitall: Do those electronic muscle stimulators really help trim fat and tone muscles?
— Really hope so in Reedsport

Dear Really: As you know, the principle behind the device is the utilization of a continuous sequence of small shocks that stimulates muscle activity, similar to your body’s own natural electrical impulses. An easy way to think of it is to visualize a car and its battery. Now visualize the car, the battery — and a pair of jumper cables clamped to your buttocks as someone starts the engine. While there’s no scientific proof this will trim fat and build muscle, studies show that most people find themselves stimulated enough to go to the gym after one session.

Dear Mr. Knowitall: I’m looking at getting my husband something to help with his snoring. Any suggestions?
— Yawning in Yachats

Dear Yawning: I’ll tell you there are a lot of products out there that claim to end snoring problems, and most of these products are 100 percent effective. And though they may look and cost differently, these devices all rely on the same two principles, which are:

• Fit into someone’s nostrils
• Be really uncomfortable

This combination is proven effective because it:

• Keeps snorers from sleeping

My advice is to try rolling him on his side. If that doesn’t work try rolling him the other way. If that doesn’t work, keep rolling until you hear a big thud. Repeat this until he’s too frightened to sleep.

Dear Mr. Knowitall: I’m thinking of getting my wife some of that spray that helps remove body hair. Is it safe?
— Harry in Florence

Dear Harry: Not for you, it isn’t.

Dear Mr. Knowitall: I’d like to get my wife a personal protection device for Christmas. I heard about something on the Internet that’s a combination pepper-spray gun, flash light and whistle. Any idea where to find it?
— Wondering in Waldport

Dear Wondering: It’s called the Pepper Escort defense kit and was invented by Dan McClarin out of concern for his daughters, who are apparently very attractive and excellent at multi-tasking. The gun shoots a steady stream of pepper spray, which causes burning of the eyes and throat, constriction of the nasal passages, and inhibited breathing. Aimed in the opposite direction, the gun can be equally effective against an attacker. In addition, you can also blow your whistle and shine the flashlight in his eyes.

Yawning in Yachats, if you’re still reading, this is one option I hadn’t thought about…

Unfortunately, that’s all we have time for today because, as I’m sure you understand, Mr. Knowitall is a busy man. Especially when the Cheetos runs out in the vending machine. If you have any questions, write to Mr. Knowitall here or at the email link below this post, and I’ll make sure he gets it.

Your questions, I mean.


imageWARNING! This has been an unsolicited excerpt from my book, Humor at the Speed of Life, which is a collection of my most popular columns (as opposed to the kind I usually write) and is available in hardcopy or eBook version at Port Hole Publications, or Barnes & Noble. It makes a great holiday gift! (Note: Actual results may vary). Order yours from Port Hole Publications and let them know you’d like a signed copy. It can even be signed by someone else!

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Ned's Blog

I was a journalist, humor columnist, writer and editor at Siuslaw News for 23 years. The next chapter in my own writer’s journey is helping other writers prepare their manuscript for the road ahead. I'm married to the perfect woman, have four great kids, and a tenuous grip on my sanity...

38 thoughts on “Before you buy that Christmas gift, ask Mr. Knowitall”

  1. Love it! And hilarious enough to make me fear ever asking Mr. Knowitall anything! Sheesh, you’re talented, how do you handle it (not that I really need to know as such an issue is not an issue for me, but I’m, yours truly, always curious).

    1. I’ve read your posts, so you go first 😉

      By the way, Mr. Knowitall is also a practicing psychiatrist, so he might be able to help you with your fear. Plus he gives all his clients free Cheetos.

      1. Let him know that I like the hard Cheetos, can’t stand the soft ones (they just won’t stand even when dunked in molasses), and ask him what that says about… Cheetos.

        TY, btw 😉

    1. That book sounds absolutely hilarious! I need to get it. I’m also thinking about reading the entire book of Thesaurus, although I’ll probably have to think of another name for it.

  2. Glad mr. Kia knows enough to know that he needs to order a large supply of flamin’ hot Cheetos stat! These can be used as a food item, anti snoring device when stuffed up one’s nostrils, a personal protection aid, when force feeding them in a rapid manner to an unsuspecting assailant, a hair loss device when rubbed on the offending area, and a muscle stimulator/ weight loss aid when consumed in large quantities. Muscles in the bathing suit area will be activated with haste, leading to a sudden weight loss. That is all.

  3. Dear Mr. Knowitall,

    I’ve locked my keys inside my car and my dress is completely caught in the door. I’m trapped in a deserted dark parking lot with no personal protection devices and only this stupid phone! What do I do???

    Just Call Me Stucky

    1. Dear Stucky:

      Sorry it took me so long to get back to you. I locked my keys in the car and my leather chaps were caught in the car door. I don’t carry a phone and my only persoanl protection device is folded in my wallet.

      If you’re still in the same predicament, here’s what worked for me: Carefully rip away your dress (or chaps, in my situation) and run in circles naked. Once they see you on the camera, trust me: police will be on their way…

  4. Bwahahaha! I snore and my wife rolled me out of bed one night. I woke up on my back on the floor gasping for air. It knocked the wind right out of me. Your advice is sage, oh great Mr. KIA.

No one is watching, I swear...

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