Being a journalist, I am often privy to world-shaking news of scientific or technological breakthroughs hours before members of the general public (who aren’t on Facebook).
The glow-in-the-dark toilet seat, shoes with their own umbrellas attached, eatable bread gloves… yeah, I heard it hear first.
However, this morning I received an email about a fusion of science and technology that could help millions of people rest a little easier each night; at least until they’re awakened by their own drool:
You read it right. Thanks to a couple of guys named Justin and Dave, we can now climb into bed and lay our heads upon a pillowy-soft pile of hickory-smoked bacon — except without all the grease stains. As they told me, “The future of sleep is here, and it smells like cured pork.”
Keep in mind these guys are also the ones who created bacon-scented mustache wax for No-Shave Movember, as well as bacon-scented shaving cream for the other 11 months of the year.
Hey, science has proven that people who sleep better are happier, more productive and less likely to use their vehicle as a battering ram in fast food drive-throughs. What better way to ensure a good night’s sleep then by promoting bacon-themed dreams?
Is stress at work causing fitful sleep because you keep dreaming about finishing that report on overspending caused by excessive reports? Imagine how much better you’ll sleep when your dream includes a new griddle at your desk that’s filled with sizzling bacon!
Unable to sleep because you’re worried about bills piling up after the holiday season? Then let your dreams turn that pile of bills into strips of sweet bacon!
I know what some of you are thinking: What about vegetarians and people whose culture forbids consumption of pork?
Then one of them really needs to invent a tofu-scented pillowcase… Oh wait, that’s just a regular pillow.
Ha! Just kidding! I don’t mean to sound insensitive, and the last thing I want is to incite a pillow fight. At least not until my wife and I have the house to ourselves. The point is, for those of us who have actually purchased bulk packages of bacon from Costco, spread those packages out on the kitchen floor and laid in the middle making a bacon angel, then you understand the potentially life-changing significance of bacon-scented pillowcases.
Ok, fine. So I’m the only one who’s ever done that. Let me clarify that I was fully clothed so it’s not so creepy.
Regardless of how you feel about me or my bacon fetish, anyone who loves bacon — or knows someone who loves bacon, such as my wife who is hopefully reading this — can recognize how this could be the perfect gift for the person who has everything, including the flatulence-protection underwear I wrote about last week.
And if they have neither?
Get them both and provide bacon-scented dreams at night and unscented confidence during the day. Assuming they didn’t use bacon-scented shaving cream.
(Ned Hickson is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation. His first book, Humor at the Speed of Life, is available from Port Hole Publications, Amazon.com or Barnes & Noble.)
52 thoughts on “Because who doesn’t sleep better on a pillow of bacon?”
I don’t think I could sleep amid the aroma of bacon. I’d just salivate and want, you know, bacon.
I hear you, Scott. I’m kind of afraid I might eat my pillow in my sleep.
Those are calories you just don’t need.
And I don’t want to even think about how many bowls of bran I’d have to eat for that to pass.
Ew, yeah. See? This is a bad idea.
My name is Beth and I am addicted to bacon. You have just kicked it up a notch.
The my work here is doen.
I’m ordering two so my wife and I can have bacon-scented pillow fights.
Talk about sexy…
Did Beth say you have just kicked it up a crotch?
If that had happened, I think I would have known right away.
This is obviously gateway bedding. Sure, you start with the bacon pillow, but soon you have a longing for the french toast duvet. Then it’s a small step to the full fledged hotel breakfast buffet mattress. And don’t tell me you’ll be ok without the other meals. Big Mac Barcalounger, anyone?
Haha! Well, as long as it’s a Big Mac with bacon.
I will not be coming near your house at all for Christmas, unless the bacon is only in the frying pan.
I can’t make any promises, Catherine. Especially once the kids leave.
Just don’t gift it to a Muslim friend. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1322435/Cafe-owner-ordered-remove-extractor-fan-case-smell-frying-bacon-offends-passing-Muslims.html
You had me at bacon.
Sorry it’s not Canadian, though. Maybe they’ll make a round pillowcase soon… 😉
I was told by heylookawriterfellow that Canadian bacon is just ambitious ham….haha.
Lol! I love it! I feel the same way. The only thing I like Canadian bacon on is…
…Yeah, I got nothin’.
Haha….let’s just leave it at that and take your thoughts back to happiness…maple syrup!! 😉
Mmmmm. Maple syrup…
What were we talking about?
Your drooling problem. 😀
Hey, it’s not a problem for me 😉
Bacon angel. http://republicofbacon-com.azurewebsites.net/wp-content/uploads/Bacon-Angel-Tattoo-300×225.jpg
Wow! I wonder if they used bacon-scented ink?
From my 10-year-old who is a bacon fanatic: “That’s an interesting choice.” 🙂
I’m thinking the only thing better would be a bacon strip sleeping bag for camping. As long as there aren’t any bears nearby.
For some reason, the marketing geniuses at Victoria’s Secret have rejected my suggestion for sausage link-gerie. Talk about a thought that just makes me drool.
Maybe you could start a link-gerie design for men called “Lil’ Smokies?”
I like it. The big and tall version could be ‘Big Bologna’.
Or maybe “Oscar Liar.”
This could be a new marketing purpose for the Weiner mobile.
All you need is sheets that smell like eggs.
Sometimes they do smell like eggs when I get out of bed, depending on what I ate the night before…
Maybe that’s how they came up with the bacon idea.
Let’s hope not 😉
Actually, a pillow sounds pretty good right about now, bacon or no bacon…
However, I don’t think I’d want to sleep on a bacon pillow. I think I’d need a pita bread pillowcase for it.
Whatever dreams you have, hold the mayo, please.
Dreaming about consuming a large marshmallow, er, baconator, and awaking to discover that your pillow is missing??? Maybe these guys should sell insurance, too. 😉
That is definitely a concern of mine. And my proctologist’s.
Whatever the question, the answer is always – bacon.
Exactly! Imagine how much more we’d get accomplished in Congress if everyone had a bowl of bacon bits at their table during session? Bacon = contentment and cooperation.
I have often thought that if Dior created a bacon-scented perfume they’d make a fortune. Ladies, do you want men to throw themselves at your feet?
What do Canadians call Canadian bacon?
Someone called Canadian bacon “ambitious ham,” which I think is an apt description.
I can dig it!
Wow , I am expecting a houseful of bacon addicts for Christmas , you think maybe the dream of bacon would suffice for the reality of the red faced me sweating over a cooker in order to feed her brood the traditional fry up? It sure would help me to remain cool, calm and collective; sitting there sipping my coffee while they all stayed in bed dreaming of bacon rather than eating it; or would they all just wake up gasping for the stuff?
Can u get in touch again with those scientific people that told you about this new idea? Please tell them to develop this idea further; explain to them about the Irish mammy with the red face bent over the cooker for the Christmas ; tell them , there has to be so much more bacon aroma coming from those pillows , enough to turn off the recipients of these pillows to bacon for at least 2 weeks, then I could serve them cereal and toast so much easier as it cuts out the red face ha ha .
Kind Regards from an Irish Kitchen relishing in bacon and egg fry ups.
OK, I’ll take ’em, with a side of burger shams.
Should probably hold the mayo, though. Unless you’re into that.
I had a witty comment, but all this talk of bacon has made me ravenous…
Stop looking at me like that…
I would never sleep! I often go to bed feeling slightly peckish – this pillowcase would make me get up & make a BLT! Then I’d be more tired the next morning because of all the sleep I lost while making sandwiches (because you know if I’m making one for me hubby will want one too!)
I always have a beer with my BLT, so that usually helps me sleep. Then again, a bacon pillow makes me thirsty for a beer. It’s a real conundrum.