Because who doesn’t sleep better on a pillow of bacon?

image Being a journalist, I am often privy to world-shaking news of scientific or technological breakthroughs hours before members of the general public (who aren’t on Facebook).

The glow-in-the-dark toilet seat, shoes with their own umbrellas attached, eatable bread gloves… yeah, I heard it hear first.

However, this morning I received an email about a fusion of science and technology that could help millions of people rest a little easier each night; at least until they’re awakened by their own drool:

Bacon-scented pillowcases.

You read it right. Thanks to a couple of guys named Justin and Dave, we can now climb into bed and lay our heads upon a pillowy-soft pile of hickory-smoked bacon — except without all the grease stains. As they told me, “The future of sleep is here, and it smells like cured pork.”

Keep in mind these guys are also the ones who created bacon-scented mustache wax for No-Shave Movember, as well as bacon-scented shaving cream for the other 11 months of the year.

Hey, science has proven that people who sleep better are happier, more productive and less likely to use their vehicle as a battering ram in fast food drive-throughs. What better way to ensure a good night’s sleep then by promoting bacon-themed dreams?

Is stress at work causing fitful sleep because you keep dreaming about finishing that report on overspending caused by excessive reports? Imagine how much better you’ll sleep when your dream includes a new griddle at your desk that’s filled with sizzling bacon!

Unable to sleep because you’re worried about bills piling up after the holiday season? Then let your dreams turn that pile of bills into strips of sweet bacon!

I know what some of you are thinking: What about vegetarians and people whose culture forbids consumption of pork?

Then one of them really needs to invent a tofu-scented pillowcase… Oh wait, that’s just a regular pillow.

Ha! Just kidding! I don’t mean to sound insensitive, and the last thing I want is to incite a pillow fight. At least not until my wife and I have the house to ourselves. The point is, for those of us who have actually purchased bulk packages of bacon from Costco, spread those packages out on the kitchen floor and laid in the middle making a bacon angel, then you understand the potentially life-changing significance of bacon-scented pillowcases.

Ok, fine. So I’m the only one who’s ever done that. Let me clarify that I was fully clothed so it’s not so creepy.

Regardless of how you feel about me or my bacon fetish, anyone who loves bacon — or knows someone who loves bacon, such as my wife who is hopefully reading this — can recognize how this could be the perfect gift for the person who has everything, including the flatulence-protection underwear I wrote about last week.

And if they have neither?

Get them both and provide bacon-scented dreams at night and unscented confidence during the day. Assuming they didn’t use bacon-scented shaving cream.

(Ned Hickson is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation. His first book, Humor at the Speed of Life, is available from Port Hole Publications, or Barnes & Noble.)

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Ned's Blog

I was a journalist, humor columnist, writer and editor at Siuslaw News for 23 years. The next chapter in my own writer’s journey is helping other writers prepare their manuscript for the road ahead. I'm married to the perfect woman, have four great kids, and a tenuous grip on my sanity...

52 thoughts on “Because who doesn’t sleep better on a pillow of bacon?”

  1. This is obviously gateway bedding. Sure, you start with the bacon pillow, but soon you have a longing for the french toast duvet. Then it’s a small step to the full fledged hotel breakfast buffet mattress. And don’t tell me you’ll be ok without the other meals. Big Mac Barcalounger, anyone?

  2. Actually, a pillow sounds pretty good right about now, bacon or no bacon…
    However, I don’t think I’d want to sleep on a bacon pillow. I think I’d need a pita bread pillowcase for it.

    1. Exactly! Imagine how much more we’d get accomplished in Congress if everyone had a bowl of bacon bits at their table during session? Bacon = contentment and cooperation.

  3. Wow , I am expecting a houseful of bacon addicts for Christmas , you think maybe the dream of bacon would suffice for the reality of the red faced me sweating over a cooker in order to feed her brood the traditional fry up? It sure would help me to remain cool, calm and collective; sitting there sipping my coffee while they all stayed in bed dreaming of bacon rather than eating it; or would they all just wake up gasping for the stuff?

    Can u get in touch again with those scientific people that told you about this new idea? Please tell them to develop this idea further; explain to them about the Irish mammy with the red face bent over the cooker for the Christmas ; tell them , there has to be so much more bacon aroma coming from those pillows , enough to turn off the recipients of these pillows to bacon for at least 2 weeks, then I could serve them cereal and toast so much easier as it cuts out the red face ha ha .

    Kind Regards from an Irish Kitchen relishing in bacon and egg fry ups.

  4. I would never sleep! I often go to bed feeling slightly peckish – this pillowcase would make me get up & make a BLT! Then I’d be more tired the next morning because of all the sleep I lost while making sandwiches (because you know if I’m making one for me hubby will want one too!)

    1. I always have a beer with my BLT, so that usually helps me sleep. Then again, a bacon pillow makes me thirsty for a beer. It’s a real conundrum.

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