Can life be the same with less bacon in it?

image The thing I hate most about doctors — not counting proctologists — is that they’re always trying to tell you HOW TO LIVE!

For example: “Ned, unless you lower your blood pressure, you’re going to die.”

The nerve!

Though I’m well within my optimum weight range (190 lbs.) for my age (48) and height (6’1″), am active and have a relatively low-stress lifestyle (when our three teens aren’t home), my blood pressure is still high.

Apparently, it’s something that runs in my family. Which is ironic considering my family isn’t known for running.


Because I don’t really need to lose weight and my heart sounds fine, my doctor has started me on a very mild dose of blood pressure medicine. “Just take 10 milligrams each morning at breakfast,” he said.

“Can I wrap it in bacon first? Ha! Ha!” I joked.

Well, mostly.

You should understand that when my doctor takes his glasses off, whatever he’s about to say is never good. He removed his glasses the time I had walking pneumonia, and also right before telling me I needed hernia surgery. So as I watched him slowly pull his glasses forward from the bridge of his nose, I was ready for something bad.

Nothing could’ve prepared me for what he said next. As the words left his mouth and echoed in my ears, the world turned gauzy. My sense of reality shifted. And I struggled to fathom what he was telling me…

“You should think about cutting back on the bacon a little.”

“Can you say that last part again?”

“I’m sorry. I wish I had better news,” he said, crossing his arms. “I know how much bacon means to you.”

“Don’t patronize me, doctor!” I snapped. “How could you POSSIBLY know how much bacon means to me? Do you have a bacon-scented pillow case? Do you cook with bacon salt? Have you submitted a recipe for bacon Cheerios to General Mills? I don’t think so!”

There was an uncomfortable silence as I tried to regain my composure.

“I’m just saying there are options…” he began.

“HA! Really? Like what? TURKEY bacon?!”

“I realize it’s not ideal but people have been known to live happy, productive lives eating turkey or veggie bacon.”

“Happy… Productive… And veggie bacon,” I muttered. “I’m no mathematician, but that equation doesn’t add up, doctor.”

He sighed. “I’m only suggesting you cut back a little.”

I gripped the door knob and turned back to meet his gaze. “Sure, doc. And I’ll just cut back on breathing air while I’m at it. Good day, sir!”

Needless to say, I will be getting a second opinion. Possibly as early as this evening, depending on if our butcher has left for the day.

In the meantime, I’ve put something together to help my doctor understand what bacon means to me…



(Ned Hickson is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation. Still looking for that perfect book for summer reading? Ned’s first book, Humor at the Speed of Life,available from Port Hole Publications, or Barnes & Noble. Disclaimer: You should still use sunscreen when reading this book)

73 thoughts on “Can life be the same with less bacon in it?

  1. Oh, oh, Ned. I know that last photo is meant to be humorous, but if I were you, I’d keep an eye out for men in dark suits knocking at your door. You might want to hide in the kitchen for awhile – where you can eat up the evidence before they break in.

  2. When I first saw the title question, my immediate response was “Hell No!” But now I have decided to be supportive and assure you that you can life a full, productive life without bacon. Now if you will excuse me, I have to go spend some quality time with my frying pan.

  3. LOL! My doctor once suggested I drink less coffee. I had to explain to him that quality of life was far more important then length.

    As to the bacon, what we usually worry about is the salt. Salt can raise your BP. Bacon itself is not so bad. The problem is, salt free bacon is just sad, a bit like tofu strips.

  4. I’ve figured out a solution for you…You could tell your doc that not being able to have bacon causes you extreme stress and that would raise your blood pressure further so, it’ healthier for you to continue bacon eating for the sake of your health. There, your bill’s in the mail. 😉

  5. I’m gonna whip up my world famous maple bacon cupcakes – just for you! DELICIOUS!!
    Maple comes from a tree, a tree comes from a seed – seeds are found in fruits and vegetables, therefore, you’ll be eating your veggies.
    Added bonus? I get to put that cute, new apron to use sooner than expected.

  6. I don’t wanna say my family was lazy, but we NEVER had to jiggle the toilet handle and there was never a misplaced fiber in my mom’s L’Eggs Ultrasheer.

    On the bacon front, I have literally warned a few friends that I would cannibal their butts if I thought for one minute they tasted like bacon…and they laughed and laughed and laughed, and then suddenly went silent and backed up a little.

  7. Bacon: cheaper than Prozac
    You MUST try Bacon flavoured Olive Oil…it will change your life and can be used in a healthy way in many areas you would normally use bacon in…except for the whole bacon eating part…

  8. Sorry to read you may be going through bacon withdrawals, but your heart — and your family — will thank you for it. There are alternatives (as above, though use sparingly) and at some point (like me, I was non-vegan for 45 years) you may even find happiness in opting out altogether.

No one is watching, I swear...

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