After reading about how the parents of LuLu Diaz gave their daughter $6,000 breast implants for her high school graduation gift, I couldn’t help but be shocked by the idea of a father agreeing to anything that would make his teenaged daughter more enticing to teenaged boys.
As luck would have it, I actually spent several years in my teens. Because of this I can tell you there are many teenaged boys who still haven’t made it past the “breast” portion of this column. Sadly, some may never finish reading it because, in order to break them out of their current hypnotic spell, it will become necessary for a close friend or family member to light them on fire.
Let’s face it: This is the nature of most men until the aging process inspires a level of physical maturity that dethrones sex as the main motivator. While there is no set timeline for this transformation, most experts agree it begins anywhere between six and eight months after death.
Until then, at least from a father’s perspective, men can’t be trusted.
Knowing this, I’ve already begun saving for our youngest daughter’s graduation gift, which will be an entire new wardrobe consisting of multiple pairs of sheet-metal pants and turtleneck sweaters made from chain-link. I may throw in a make-up kit as well, just in case she decides to lift her metal visor during conversation. I’m sure my daughter will thank me later for adding a degree of difficulty to the courtship process, which will eliminate those who aren’t persistent.
Or, at the very least, those without a blowtorch.
Naturally, my wife says I’m getting ahead of myself since our daughter is still only 14 years old. But time passes quickly, and in another 20 years she’ll begin dating. When I explained this to my wife, she laughed. Hard.
Mark Cuban has shown more emotional restraint.
For some reason, mothers are just better equipped to handle the whole dating prospect. I think it’s because — statistically speaking — they aren’t men. They don’t know what’s going through the mind of an 18-year-old boy. Well, I DO. And you should all be ashamed of yourselves. Especially you, the one with baggy jeans and pierced scrotum. I wouldn’t know that second part if you pulled your pants up once in a while.
I know what you’re thinking: What if she wants to attend a college that can’t be seen from home using the scope on a high-powered rifle?
I realize it’s important to establish a certain level of trust with my daughter in order for her to develop her independence; I have to encourage her to venture beyond the realm of my protection; I have to allow her a sense of freedom.
And I have to do it without letting her know she’s being followed by a private detective. How can I do this? Because, to a father, money is no object when it comes to providing his daughter with the false sense of freedom she deserves.
Fine.
Maybe I’m overreacting.
But she’s not getting breast implants for a graduation gift. Why? Because while LuLu’s parents say their “gift” is meant to boost their daughter’s self esteem, they have to see that things won’t end there. It’ll be a tummy-tuck at 19, then higher cheekbones and a thinner nose for her 21st birthday. By then, of course, it’ll be time to tighten that sagging 21-year-old chin. Eventually, when she’s completely unrecognizable and can’t pass through airport security without an X-ray of her head, LuLu will be happy and confident knowing she can, at long last, easily ditch her parents in a crowd.
While it’s true I want my daughter’s self-confidence to be grounded in who she is and not how she looks, I have to admit I’d also like to avoid the cost of expensive breast implant surgery.
The truth is, I’m flat busted.
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(Ned Hickson is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation. This has been an excerpt from his first book, Humor at the Speed of Life, available in paperback or eBook from Amazon.com, Barnes & Noble or request your signed copy from Port Hole Publications. He’ll even sign someone else’s name!)
Ned's Blog 
I love this, Ned. This quote stopped me short until I reached the last line – The KIMN8R is 65, so I was genuinely wondering when *that* age might be expected to arrive. Whew, so relieved!
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“Let’s face it: This is the nature of most men until the aging process inspires a level of physical maturity that dethrones sex as the main motivator. While there is no set timeline for this transformation, most experts agree it begins anywhere between six and eight months after death.”
Lol! Breathe easy, Judy!
Thanks, Ned, it’s the little things…and others.
You nailed that last line.
It’s the only way it could end 😉
Ugh… some people should be shot! I don’t claim to be the perfect parent but come ON! Breast implants is NOT the way to boost one’s self esteem at 18 years old! Being more attractive to the opposite sex is not the way to feel better about yourself. I could go on, but I won’t! *steps off soapbox*
This is a slippery slope and I hope they do not regret their decision…
I’m already regretting their decision actually…
Me too!!
This is just sick… maybe we could all chip in and get his balls removed…
Great idea. Probably would cost much.
uh… no… I mean… yes… ???
Well with ‘castratos’ (male singers) it was two bricks and a ‘one, two, three – bang’ are bricks that expensive? :0)
Hahaha!
Last stop off this careening train is time spent with a Kardashian!
I’m pretty sure where the train line begins and ends.
I love your wife’s response. I, too, laugh when my husband says the same thing about the sheet-metal and dating in her late 30s, and we don’t even have children.
Haha! It sounds like we’d get along very well.
….pierced what now?
I hope that was just a wacky hypothetical and no one actually does this.
It is a real thing. Not sure why. But it goes to show the Natural Selection process isn’t working…
Dear crazed, overreacting dad: Please extend my sympathy to your daughter.
Will do, Mary 😉
Being a dad rocks, doesn’t it, Ned?
Never mind a fun house or a roller coaster, the greatest thrill of them all is dadhood.
No wonder I’m going bald….
Being a dad sometimes feels like I’ve been riding the spinning tea cups.
Love the pun at the end, and your theory. 🙂
Thanks, Debby 😉
Flat busted. ROTFLMAO! I barely made it past $6000, thinking about the electric typewriter I got for a high school graduation gift. Actually, I loved it, and it came in handy for typing all those papers.
To bad this kid’s parents don’t know they missed the boat on helping their daughter develop self-esteem. By the time kids are 10, our parental influence over them really starts to dwindle.
That’s so very true, Susan. There really is a small window to build whatever foundation our children will grow from. If self esteem hasn’t been established yet, chances are it won’t ever be. Even with big boobs, which was never an option for me…
THIS is hilarious. You’re my new favorite.
Our girl is 11. Hubby has threatened to put a pike at the end of our driveway, sporting the head of the first guy who comes knocking. Mild deterrent for future prospects.
Lol! You’re husband sounds like a reasonable man and a real problem solver 😉 Thanks for reading, and for the kind words, Casey!
Most men are flat busted. And no, we’re not taking up a collection for your augmentation surgery. 😉
Great post. 🙂
Haha! Thanks, Lynette!
Ha! Well said Ned.
Damn, I got diamond stud earrings for my high school graduation. Obviously, I was gypped. Imagine all I could have accomplished with those breasts! I’d have been way more popular at frat parties. I could have spent more money, er, I mean – more of dad’s money – in Victoria’s Secret.In any case — I never noticed that private detective he had following me, so he must’ve been really good. No matter what Ned – don’t get busted.
I’m not your average boob, Tara… 😉
LOL! I needed the giggle today.
Punny, Ned. I’m sure your daughter will be just fine sans boob job.
I still have time to screw things up, but so far so good 😉
My graduation gift was luggage. Packed. Honestly! :o) As for my daughter…..I am happy to rent her out as a motivational speaker on the Joys of Terrifying Boys. She curses. She has zero patience. A very high IQ. And if a guy starts talking to her breasts the verbal abuse he will suffer is epic. We don’t affectionately call her ‘The Mad Madam Mim’ for nothing. :o)
Lol! I got the same gift of luggage from what we’re at the time my future in-laws. As for your daughter, at least you know she can take care of herself!
People of the future will look back at us and say, “Fake boobs. That’s all we need to know about that time.” And then they will blink their laugh-synapse-repositor heartily.
Now that you mention it, from a historical perspective, “Fake Boobs” pretty much sums up the perfect contents for a Presidential Elections 2016 time capsule…
What the hell is wrong with some parents???? Breast implants? For high school graduation? It’s just this kind of permissive parenting that results in an entire generation who feel entitled to get what they want, when they want it, with no waiting, effort or sacrifice on their part.
A boob job is clearly a more appropriate gift for college graduation.
Hahaha! Or maybe a wedding gift…?
Just in case you aren’t aware, she’s probably already dating…
My high school graduation present was a summer job at the same place my Dad worked. He cluldn’t affird the private eye, so he just keep me within arm’s reach. He’ 6’7″, so has an impressive arm span. He, apparently, also remebered what 18 year old boys are like!
Wise man, you’re father. And probably a little scary to the average 18-year-old boy.
Any decent father will interview all of their daughter’s prospective dates in front of a six foot high guillotine that on occasion, just “happens” to let loose.
I’m thinking we could do a good “Bad cop” “Bad cop” together.
Please continue to keep me abreast of these developments.