After reading about how the parents of LuLu Diaz gave their daughter $6,000 breast implants for her high school graduation gift, I couldn’t help but be shocked by the idea of a father agreeing to anything that would make his teenaged daughter more enticing to teenaged boys.
As luck would have it, I actually spent several years in my teens. Because of this I can tell you there are many teenaged boys who still haven’t made it past the “breast” portion of this column. Sadly, some may never finish reading it because, in order to break them out of their current hypnotic spell, it will become necessary for a close friend or family member to light them on fire.
Let’s face it: This is the nature of most men until the aging process inspires a level of physical maturity that dethrones sex as the main motivator. While there is no set timeline for this transformation, most experts agree it begins anywhere between six and eight months after death.
Until then, at least from a father’s perspective, men can’t be trusted.
Knowing this, I’ve already begun saving for our youngest daughter’s graduation gift, which will be an entire new wardrobe consisting of multiple pairs of sheet-metal pants and turtleneck sweaters made from chain-link. I may throw in a make-up kit as well, just in case she decides to lift her metal visor during conversation. I’m sure my daughter will thank me later for adding a degree of difficulty to the courtship process, which will eliminate those who aren’t persistent.
Or, at the very least, those without a blowtorch.
Naturally, my wife says I’m getting ahead of myself since our daughter is still only 14 years old. But time passes quickly, and in another 20 years she’ll begin dating. When I explained this to my wife, she laughed. Hard.
Mark Cuban has shown more emotional restraint.
For some reason, mothers are just better equipped to handle the whole dating prospect. I think it’s because — statistically speaking — they aren’t men. They don’t know what’s going through the mind of an 18-year-old boy. Well, I DO. And you should all be ashamed of yourselves. Especially you, the one with baggy jeans and pierced scrotum. I wouldn’t know that second part if you pulled your pants up once in a while.
I know what you’re thinking: What if she wants to attend a college that can’t be seen from home using the scope on a high-powered rifle?
I realize it’s important to establish a certain level of trust with my daughter in order for her to develop her independence; I have to encourage her to venture beyond the realm of my protection; I have to allow her a sense of freedom.
And I have to do it without letting her know she’s being followed by a private detective. How can I do this? Because, to a father, money is no object when it comes to providing his daughter with the false sense of freedom she deserves.
Maybe I’m overreacting.
But she’s not getting breast implants for a graduation gift. Why? Because while LuLu’s parents say their “gift” is meant to boost their daughter’s self esteem, they have to see that things won’t end there. It’ll be a tummy-tuck at 19, then higher cheekbones and a thinner nose for her 21st birthday. By then, of course, it’ll be time to tighten that sagging 21-year-old chin. Eventually, when she’s completely unrecognizable and can’t pass through airport security without an X-ray of her head, LuLu will be happy and confident knowing she can, at long last, easily ditch her parents in a crowd.
While it’s true I want my daughter’s self-confidence to be grounded in who she is and not how she looks, I have to admit I’d also like to avoid the cost of expensive breast implant surgery.
The truth is, I’m flat busted.
(Ned Hickson is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation. This has been an excerpt from his first book, Humor at the Speed of Life, available in paperback or eBook from Amazon.com, Barnes & Noble or request your signed copy from Port Hole Publications. He’ll even sign someone else’s name!)