I’ve been ridiculously happily married for almost 10 years now, so the singles bar scene is a long-forgotten memory. Or maybe just a deeply repressed one.
At least until yesterday.
That’s when a friend came to town and invited me out for a quick beer. As we began catching up over Dos Equis, we couldn’t help but overhear a series of pick-up lines being exchanged by a group of 20-somethings who — at least in their minds, and thanks to several happy-hour pilsners each — had assembled a list of clever lines “no woman could resist.”
Their words, not mine.
In a moment, you’ll understand why.
As a service to single men everywhere, and in particular to that group of 20-somethings once they’ve sobered up, I felt obligated to jot down some of those “fail proof” pick-up lines and explain — through a “trial” and “error” format — what they can expect should those lines leave their mouths in the general direction of an actual living female, intoxicated or otherwise.
Trial: Do you know CPR? Because baby, I think I’m having a heart attack!
Error: This is particularly ineffective for men over the age of 40, who could easily be mistaken for having an actual heart attack. Nothing says “sexy” like coronary infarction.
Trial: Do you like magic? Because I’d like to make your clothes disappear.
Error: Even David Copperfield wouldn’t attempt this horrible pick-up line. If you do, chances are the only thing disappearing will be her drink in your face.
Trial: I’m not a religious man, but you make me want to shout hallelujah!
Error: Aside from the obvious risk of being struck by lightning from God at the sheer stupidity of that line, there is the very real possibility the woman in question will take it as a sign she shouldn’t have attempted a final night of passion before joining the nunnery tomorrow. Either way, you lose.
Trial: Are you an animal trainer? Because you make me want to stand up and beg.
Error: Unless you want to be in a collar, tied up and potty trained, it’s probably best to steer clear of anyone who responds favorably to this lame pick-up line. Unless you’re into that.
Trial: If I were Captain Kirk, I would love to boldly go where no man has gone before.
Error: Although this might work at a Star Trek convention because, in many cases, no one there has been with the opposite sex, under normal circumstances that line will send women away faster than you can say “Warp speed, Mr. Sulu.”
Trial: I’m a doctor. When’s the last time you had your breasts examined by a professional?
Error: In addition to being really lame, this line could potentially tap into genuine concerns by a woman actually seeking a professional opinion. At that point, you either have to come clean and look like the horny jerk you are, or continue the charade under the most unsexy circumstances possible.
Trial: Someone call the police because I think you just stole my heart!
Error: With a line like this, the only call anyone is going to make will be to the 1980s so they will come take you back. Assuming they want you.
Trial: They call me the cat whisperer. Want me to show you why?
Error: Be prepared for the fact that, until the scratches on your face heal, your new name will be Cat Scratch Fever.
Trial: Do you like karaoke? Because I brought my own palm-friendly microphone.
Error: In addition to being stupid, let’s be honest: this line is just setting up everyone involved for disappointment.
Trial: Your smile is so sweet it should come with a calorie count.
Error: As any supermodel will tell you, there’s no point in counting calories when you’re too busy barfing after a line like that.
If any of you in that group of 20-somethings is reading this, there’s no need to thank me. The fact that no woman will have to endure any of that torture is thanks enough.
Not to mention the lives this post might end up saving…
____________________________________________________________
(Ned Hickson is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation. His first book, Humor at the Speed of Life, is available from Port Hole Publications, Amazon.com or Barnes & Noble.)
This column was first published by News Media Corporation August 23, 2014
Ned's Blog 
I’m so glad I didn’t try any of these on my wife. Thinking completely outside the box, I just started with “Hello” and carried on from there. She didn’t scream, faint or throw her drink over me, so I think it went okay.
A revolutionary approach that, while certainly risky, clearly paid off. Congrats! 😉
Thanks, Ned. 🙂
Blecchhh. As someone with dating experience harking back to the Dark Ages, those lines would have made me drop to the dirty bar floor laughing, and insured that I would have chosen never to occupy space with the idiot in question again. Lord have mercy on the future.
I hear you. With pick up lines like these, I wonder if there will BE a future, at least in terms of propagation…
Never used any of these lines and I turned out ok.
I think it’s because you DIDN’T use any of these lines that you turned out ok, Christian! Cheers, my friend
Standing up to beg? That would be a neat trick. 🙂
Great post, Ned – I needed a laugh this morning. 🙂
I’m always glad to know I can give a laugh when it’s needed, Lynette 😉 Especially when it’s on purpose.
A couple of those worked me just now.
Take a few deep breaths; it’ll be ok…
I can’t stop lying! Make some & graphic quotes!
Hey, that’s a really great idea! I can run them as a series of Public Service Announcements! 😉
Care to guest post ? It would be a great weekend funny magazine article linking back to original. Also, which pub were you at? I’d love to visit this bar it sounds like. Lot of amusing conversations
I would love that, but it would have to be next weekend — I’m buried this weekend. Would that work? And as for the pub, it’s the favorite place for locals in here, called The BeachKomber. Greatest burgers anywhere, 50 beers on tap, and the worst pick-up lines ever 😉
Take your time! 😉
I’m just happy you said yes. ❤️
It’s my pleasure, Shareen — I’ll be in touch next week 😉
By the way, thanks for visiting today and I hope all is going well, Shareen. There are a lot of folks thinking about you 😉
The meds wearing off allowed me to read & join in. In 5 min more meds so I’ll be back around 6 to catch up!
Rest up and take things easy, Shareen. We’re happy to wait for you 😉
❤️ You are amazing for saying that! I really love reading you
I really appreciate the kind words, as well as all you do for writers out there, Shareen. Now rest up 😉
It is all of you that do great things for me. Thank you!
Excuse me while I puke, mind you, it’s a long time since I was 20. If these are the chat up lines, then I suggest the girls stay single.
My first words to hubby to be 27 seven years ago were ‘So that heap’s yours is it?’.
Insulting the poor man’s car (a Lada which started only for him apparently until I got behind the wheel) was an original opening I suppose (I was a nervous wreck). I redeemed myself by.making a pizza out of practically nothing, which really impressed him!
Lol! No excuse necessary! And I have to say, insulting a guy’s heap and then making a miracle pizza will bring any man to his knees 😉 Well played!
Yep! Silver Wedding anniversary lasr month and still going strong!
That is fantastic! Congrats to you both. And I’m sure that pizza is still pretty great 😉
Thanks! I don’t do any baking now we’re on the boat, but I am ‘Queen of the Two Pan Dinner’, and luckily Hubby still enjoys the meals I cook. 🙂
I was a chef for 10 years before becoming a journalist, so I do most of the cooking — However my wife, who is Spanish, makes some if my favorite dishes. In short, after 10 years, we still very much enjoy cooking together… *ahem* 😉
Ha! Hubby’s a good cook too, and his liver and bacon is to die for!
Hmmm. Not a big liver fan, but with bacon… I’d be willing to try it!
Oh yum, onion gravy, mashed potatoes and cabbage. His spag bol is pretty damn good too.
OK, so if you two are ever out this way, you’re both invited to dinner. Except your husband will be cooking… 😉
And I’ll wash up. That’s always the deal here, whoever cooks doesn’t wash the dishes.
Sounds fair. I’m in. Besides, we have three teenagers for that.
These made me giggle! I’m a long way from the single’s crowd, too. But, even then, I didn’t hear many lines at all. That said, my friends did! The only one I really remember was, “You must be tired, cuz baby you’ve been running through my mind since you walked in here.”
I just got the heeby-jeebies for a moment! I can’t even imagine trying to date again. Consider this your PSA to anyone even contemplating.
Have a wonderful rest of the day and a great weekend, Ned!
Ugh! Wait… I may have used that one…
Thanks so much, Michelle, and I hope your weekend is a great one as well!
Whew = surely no sane male would use any of those pick up lines? Sigh, maybe we’re dumber than I hoped.
Fun post Ned – Thank You.
As an aside Ned, I have a guest post over at Cordelia’s Mom’s. If you have the time to drop by I would be honored https://cordeliasmomstill.com/2016/06/04/mikey-did-it-guest-post-by-paul-curran/comment-page-1/#comment-17348
They missed the “If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me?”
The young just don’t get the education they used to………
Haha! The Bellamy Brothers taught us so much with their music…
I hate to be the one to tell you this but I just had to endure the torture by reading this..lol
It’s the next best thing to being there. Actually, it’s probably better than being there…
Because that’s what I was missing in my life..
Hahaha!
😉
Lol, are you sure they weren’t hitting on you because you’re sexy bacon stud? And here’s one tacky one to add; my husband likes to say this to me – ” You know what would look good on you? Me” lol. Okay, oops, TMI 🙂
The only good thing about bad pick-up lines is using them on your spouse. I like to use, “That’s a beautiful blouse. It would look even better crumpled up on the floor next to the bed…”
Maybe you know my husband? LOL 🙂
Reblogged this on Kate McClelland.
In the old days, “hi” seemed to help them get to the next sentence without offending.
Those were the days, Tara!
Wow, some day they might regret those lame words. What wrong with Hello my name is………
They really shouldn’t wait and start regretting them NOW…
Truth!
In my day we kept it simple. Hi, my name is John…Wanna hook up? I’m just kidding.
I could never talk to girls. And my name is not John…
My best line usually went like this…
“H-h-hi….” Stare awkwardly at floor.
Absolutely hilarious! I’ll definitely try these out (if I’m ever at a Star Trek convention that is)
“Live long and prosper” — Spock
Translation: Good luck with that
Haha, thanks for the emotional support!
I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth! Ugh.. how can any man think a female of any kind who would fall for one of those stupid lines would be worth taking back to their hidey hole in the first place? In the second place…. NO, just NO! OMG! Gross! I lost my train of thought.. what were we talking about??
“Hidey Hole?” Wow, this conversation went downhill fast! Haha!
Didn’t it though ? LMAO! 😄