Consequences you can expect from horrible pick-up lines I overheard

image I’ve been ridiculously happily married for almost 10 years now, so the singles bar scene is a long-forgotten memory. Or maybe just a deeply repressed one.

At least until yesterday.

That’s when a friend came to town and invited me out for a quick beer. As we began catching up over Dos Equis, we couldn’t help but overhear a series of pick-up lines being exchanged by a group of 20-somethings who — at least in their minds, and thanks to several happy-hour pilsners each — had assembled a list of clever lines “no woman could resist.”

Their words, not mine.

In a moment, you’ll understand why.

As a service to single men everywhere, and in particular to that group of 20-somethings once they’ve sobered up, I felt obligated to jot down some of those “fail proof” pick-up lines and explain — through a “trial” and “error” format — what they can expect should those lines leave their mouths in the general direction of an actual living female, intoxicated or otherwise.

Trial: Do you know CPR? Because baby, I think I’m having a heart attack!
Error: This is particularly ineffective for men over the age of 40, who could easily be mistaken for having an actual heart attack. Nothing says “sexy” like coronary infarction.

Trial: Do you like magic? Because I’d like to make your clothes disappear.
Error: Even David Copperfield wouldn’t attempt this horrible pick-up line. If you do, chances are the only thing disappearing will be her drink in your face.

Trial: I’m not a religious man, but you make me want to shout hallelujah!
Error: Aside from the obvious risk of being struck by lightning from God at the sheer stupidity of that line, there is the very real possibility the woman in question will take it as a sign she shouldn’t have attempted a final night of passion before joining the nunnery tomorrow. Either way, you lose.

Trial: Are you an animal trainer? Because you make me want to stand up and beg.
Error: Unless you want to be in a collar, tied up and potty trained, it’s probably best to steer clear of anyone who responds favorably to this lame pick-up line. Unless you’re into that.

Trial: If I were Captain Kirk, I would love to boldly go where no man has gone before.
Error: Although this might work at a Star Trek convention because, in many cases, no one there has been with the opposite sex, under normal circumstances that line will send women away faster than you can say “Warp speed, Mr. Sulu.”

Trial: I’m a doctor. When’s the last time you had your breasts examined by a professional?
Error: In addition to being really lame, this line could potentially tap into genuine concerns by a woman actually seeking a professional opinion. At that point, you either have to come clean and look like the horny jerk you are, or continue the charade under the most unsexy circumstances possible.

Trial: Someone call the police because I think you just stole my heart!
Error: With a line like this, the only call anyone is going to make will be to the 1980s so they will come take you back. Assuming they want you.

Trial: They call me the cat whisperer. Want me to show you why?
Error: Be prepared for the fact that, until the scratches on your face heal, your new name will be Cat Scratch Fever.

Trial: Do you like karaoke? Because I brought my own palm-friendly microphone.
Error: In addition to being stupid, let’s be honest: this line is just setting up everyone involved for disappointment.

Trial: Your smile is so sweet it should come with a calorie count.
Error: As any supermodel will tell you, there’s no point in counting calories when you’re too busy barfing after a line like that.

If any of you in that group of 20-somethings is reading this, there’s no need to thank me. The fact that no woman will have to endure any of that torture is thanks enough.

Not to mention the lives this post might end up saving…




(Ned Hickson is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation. His first book, Humor at the Speed of Life, is available from Port Hole Publications, or Barnes & Noble.)

This column was first published by News Media Corporation August 23, 2014

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Ned's Blog

I was a journalist, humor columnist, writer and editor at Siuslaw News for 23 years. The next chapter in my own writer’s journey is helping other writers prepare their manuscript for the road ahead. I'm married to the perfect woman, have four great kids, and a tenuous grip on my sanity...

64 thoughts on “Consequences you can expect from horrible pick-up lines I overheard”

  1. I’m so glad I didn’t try any of these on my wife. Thinking completely outside the box, I just started with “Hello” and carried on from there. She didn’t scream, faint or throw her drink over me, so I think it went okay.

  2. Blecchhh. As someone with dating experience harking back to the Dark Ages, those lines would have made me drop to the dirty bar floor laughing, and insured that I would have chosen never to occupy space with the idiot in question again. Lord have mercy on the future.

      1. Care to guest post ? It would be a great weekend funny magazine article linking back to original. Also, which pub were you at? I’d love to visit this bar it sounds like. Lot of amusing conversations

        1. I would love that, but it would have to be next weekend — I’m buried this weekend. Would that work? And as for the pub, it’s the favorite place for locals in here, called The BeachKomber. Greatest burgers anywhere, 50 beers on tap, and the worst pick-up lines ever 😉

  3. Excuse me while I puke, mind you, it’s a long time since I was 20. If these are the chat up lines, then I suggest the girls stay single.
    My first words to hubby to be 27 seven years ago were ‘So that heap’s yours is it?’.
    Insulting the poor man’s car (a Lada which started only for him apparently until I got behind the wheel) was an original opening I suppose (I was a nervous wreck). I redeemed myself by.making a pizza out of practically nothing, which really impressed him!

    1. Lol! No excuse necessary! And I have to say, insulting a guy’s heap and then making a miracle pizza will bring any man to his knees 😉 Well played!

            1. I was a chef for 10 years before becoming a journalist, so I do most of the cooking — However my wife, who is Spanish, makes some if my favorite dishes. In short, after 10 years, we still very much enjoy cooking together… *ahem* 😉

  4. These made me giggle! I’m a long way from the single’s crowd, too. But, even then, I didn’t hear many lines at all. That said, my friends did! The only one I really remember was, “You must be tired, cuz baby you’ve been running through my mind since you walked in here.”
    I just got the heeby-jeebies for a moment! I can’t even imagine trying to date again. Consider this your PSA to anyone even contemplating.
    Have a wonderful rest of the day and a great weekend, Ned!

  5. Whew = surely no sane male would use any of those pick up lines? Sigh, maybe we’re dumber than I hoped.

    Fun post Ned – Thank You.

  6. Lol, are you sure they weren’t hitting on you because you’re sexy bacon stud? And here’s one tacky one to add; my husband likes to say this to me – ” You know what would look good on you? Me” lol. Okay, oops, TMI 🙂

    1. The only good thing about bad pick-up lines is using them on your spouse. I like to use, “That’s a beautiful blouse. It would look even better crumpled up on the floor next to the bed…”

  7. In my day we kept it simple. Hi, my name is John…Wanna hook up? I’m just kidding.

    I could never talk to girls. And my name is not John…

  8. I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth! Ugh.. how can any man think a female of any kind who would fall for one of those stupid lines would be worth taking back to their hidey hole in the first place? In the second place…. NO, just NO! OMG! Gross! I lost my train of thought.. what were we talking about??

No one is watching, I swear...

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