I won the sexy contest and, naturally, people are scared

Before reading this, please take a good look at this video…


Yep, that’s me. Apparently, this is the new sexy.

Sorry about that.

For those of you who have been following me in the “Who Is the Sexiest Number” competition at The Public Blogger, after 100 men and six rounds of competition, I officially struck a major blow to sexiness everywhere by winning the finals Monday. This morning, the United Nations called an emergency session to discuss the ramifications.

“It’s like making contact with an alien race,” said a U.N. spokesman. “We are now faced with questioning everything we thought we knew about ourselves and our universe as humans.”

In Rome, Pope Francis met with cardinals from around the globe as thousands of panicked worshippers gathered at Vatican Square in silent prayer. “Do not be fearful,” the Pontiff assured the masses. “God has not abandoned us.” 

On Wall Street, shares in cosmetics and health products plummetted to all-time lows.

But looking on the bright side, it’s reassuring to know when women say they find a sense of humor “really sexy,” they actually mean it. Especially when Ryan Gosling cracks a joke.

I must admit this unexpected victory couldn’t have come at a better time. In a couple of months I will turn 50. In the past few weeks I have received a AARP membership and a discount coupon for cremation services in the mail. So yes, I needed this validation. Without it, I may have slipped into a pattern of eating dinner at 4:30 p.m. and establishing a 6:30 p.m. bedtime, right after watching a rerun of The Golden Girls on The CW.

OK, not really. As I’ve mentioned before, I don’t think much about my age. Coincidentally, I’ve never thought much about my “sexiness” either because, well…  Let’s be honest: not only do I put quotation marks around it, I also realize most of you remember my red thong incident. I know this because I’m still receiving therapy bills from about a dozen of you, including the cost and upkeep of therapy pet for Ross Murray. Although how one hamster can eat 15 boxes of Kraft Macaroni and Cheez every week is beyond me.

But whatever.

While I admit I never gave much thought to what qualities others might find “sexy” about me, it wasn’t until the final round, when we were asked to define sexiness on own own terms in a 2-minute video, that I realized how uncomfortable it made me.

Slide down a sand dune wearing nothing but a red thong while pretending to be “The Terminator?”

No problemo.

But wear that same thong while legitimately trying to be sexy?

Ok, bad example.

The point is, I knew I couldn’t simply joke my way through the finals round. First, because I felt my co-finalist, Thomas Lemke, deserved better than being my straight man after six weeks of competition. And second, the fact it made me uncomfortable was something I wanted to understand. To do that, I needed to define what makes humor sexy — at least as I know it. It took me a few days of thinking about it, then deciding how best to explain it in a 2-minute video. What follows is what I submitted in the final round.

Don’t worry, I’m fully clothed…



What I learned about myself and the role humor plays in what others might perceive as sexy was hard to squeeze into just two minutes. Then again, it’s just as hard squeezing into a red thong in two minutes.

However, in both cases, it’s because of the faith I have in the things that inspire humor in my life that I have the courage to do so.

That’s definitely the kind of sexy I can be comfortable with.

I want to thank all of you for your supportive comments and emails, not just during the last few weeks but always. I mention “community” in the video, and without question you are all part of that community as well.

I just didn’t have a camera lense wide enough to fit everyone in.

Thank you for that…


(If you’d like to visit the official post at The Public Blogger, Click HERE or on the icon below. Or you can wait for the latest report from the United Nations.)






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Ned's Blog

I was a journalist, humor columnist, writer and editor at Siuslaw News for 23 years. The next chapter in my own writer’s journey is helping other writers prepare their manuscript for the road ahead. I'm married to the perfect woman, have four great kids, and a tenuous grip on my sanity...

53 thoughts on “I won the sexy contest and, naturally, people are scared”

  1. You are sexy, Ned. It’s your humor, your candor, your humble and sometimes self deprecating nature, your dedication to humanity, being a great dad, and especially how you love and honor your wife. Thankfully you’re not the only man like that, or else I wouldn’t be married again. Okay, enough of that. .. my daughter”graduates” elementary school this morning, and I’m feeling sappy.

    1. Thank so much, Tara. I feel blessed for the things I have in my life that inspire me in all those areas.

      And a graduating elementary student? Definitely a good reason for sappiness 😉

  2. It’s your love of Canadian bacon, right? Seriously though, I have always believed that personality, love of life, as you say, is what makes an individual sexy.

    On a side note, I have yet to see a Fireman that wasn’t sexy and if they are wearing a red thong, well all the better. 😉

  3. Both you and Hillary Clinton are the big winners this morning. And she did it without being funny… or sexy… and the world is still here. But I am keeping an eye on the sky today in case it decides to fall in.

  4. You’re such a breath of fresh air! I am honored to know you. I can’t wait to meet in person to get my book signed of course! In all seriousness Ned, you are a one of a kind soul. You rocked SEXY!!! Luv u~MOOOAH💋 And give that wife of yours our (Scott says) love too❤️

    1. Thank you so much for the kindness, Lisa! And yes, I’m definitely looking forward to meeting you and Scott in a couple of weeks 😉 In the meantime, I’ll make sure to pass along your love to my wonderful wife!

  5. ha! Awesomesauce Ned – congratulations. Just imagine how much leverage this will give you to torture your teens/ Wheeeeeee!

  6. I started giggling at the ear hair comment and lost my train of thought…

    Oh! Yes, funny has always been sexy, at least for me. Ear hair, not so much.

  7. It’s not only your sense of humor that makes you sexy — it’s the obvious love and respect you have for your wife. I can’t imagine anything more sexy in a man. Plus, let’s face it — you’re not hideous to look at or anything 🙂 Congratulations!

    1. Hahaha! Thanks so much, Jana. I truly appreciate your kind words. And if you don’t mind, I’d like to use that as a testimonial to my sexiness moniker:

      “He’s not hideous to look at or anything…” — Jana

      1. I’m honored! I don’t think I’ve ever been quoted before. Except by my children when they are trying to remind me of something I said five minutes ago. 🙂

  8. Bravo again Ned. You truly deserve it. Like you said, there is so much more to the word sexy than just physical appeal. You’re aces on all counts. 🙂

    1. Hahaha! Thanks for clarifying that. It will make that beer we’re going to have together some day a lot less weird.

      Unless you call me “King Thong.”

  9. I read three blogs every day…..I save yours until last because it leaves me laughing. Some days I snort out my coffee laughing so hard. I hate changing outfits before I go to work because of coffee stains……but you’re worth it.

    And being a happily married man in what appears to be a great relationship with awesome kids is sexy. Congrats.

    1. Thank you for that! I’m very honoured (See what I did there? I’m learning Canadian!) I really appreciate you reading, as well as the kind words 😉

      1. Ha! I was visiting my Mum at Christmas and one evening she was checking emails while I was watching TV when I heard swearing coming from her computer room. I went to see what the problem was and she showed me ads for penis-enlargers. My Mum is a lesbian and I said to her,: “That is sure a challenging sell” She asked why and I explained: “How many lesbians will buy penis enlargers?” For some reason she did not appreciate that and I got a large lecture on how narrow my definition of love was.

No one is watching, I swear...

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