Before reading this, please take a good look at this video…
Yep, that’s me. Apparently, this is the new sexy.
Sorry about that.
For those of you who have been following me in the “Who Is the Sexiest Number” competition at The Public Blogger, after 100 men and six rounds of competition, I officially struck a major blow to sexiness everywhere by winning the finals Monday. This morning, the United Nations called an emergency session to discuss the ramifications.
“It’s like making contact with an alien race,” said a U.N. spokesman. “We are now faced with questioning everything we thought we knew about ourselves and our universe as humans.”
In Rome, Pope Francis met with cardinals from around the globe as thousands of panicked worshippers gathered at Vatican Square in silent prayer. “Do not be fearful,” the Pontiff assured the masses. “God has not abandoned us.”
On Wall Street, shares in cosmetics and health products plummetted to all-time lows.
But looking on the bright side, it’s reassuring to know when women say they find a sense of humor “really sexy,” they actually mean it. Especially when Ryan Gosling cracks a joke.
I must admit this unexpected victory couldn’t have come at a better time. In a couple of months I will turn 50. In the past few weeks I have received a AARP membership and a discount coupon for cremation services in the mail. So yes, I needed this validation. Without it, I may have slipped into a pattern of eating dinner at 4:30 p.m. and establishing a 6:30 p.m. bedtime, right after watching a rerun of The Golden Girls on The CW.
OK, not really. As I’ve mentioned before, I don’t think much about my age. Coincidentally, I’ve never thought much about my “sexiness” either because, well… Let’s be honest: not only do I put quotation marks around it, I also realize most of you remember my red thong incident. I know this because I’m still receiving therapy bills from about a dozen of you, including the cost and upkeep of therapy pet for Ross Murray. Although how one hamster can eat 15 boxes of Kraft Macaroni and Cheez every week is beyond me.
While I admit I never gave much thought to what qualities others might find “sexy” about me, it wasn’t until the final round, when we were asked to define sexiness on own own terms in a 2-minute video, that I realized how uncomfortable it made me.
Slide down a sand dune wearing nothing but a red thong while pretending to be “The Terminator?”
But wear that same thong while legitimately trying to be sexy?
Ok, bad example.
The point is, I knew I couldn’t simply joke my way through the finals round. First, because I felt my co-finalist, Thomas Lemke, deserved better than being my straight man after six weeks of competition. And second, the fact it made me uncomfortable was something I wanted to understand. To do that, I needed to define what makes humor sexy — at least as I know it. It took me a few days of thinking about it, then deciding how best to explain it in a 2-minute video. What follows is what I submitted in the final round.
Don’t worry, I’m fully clothed…
What I learned about myself and the role humor plays in what others might perceive as sexy was hard to squeeze into just two minutes. Then again, it’s just as hard squeezing into a red thong in two minutes.
However, in both cases, it’s because of the faith I have in the things that inspire humor in my life that I have the courage to do so.
That’s definitely the kind of sexy I can be comfortable with.
I want to thank all of you for your supportive comments and emails, not just during the last few weeks but always. I mention “community” in the video, and without question you are all part of that community as well.
I just didn’t have a camera lense wide enough to fit everyone in.
Thank you for that…
(If you’d like to visit the official post at The Public Blogger, Click HERE or on the icon below. Or you can wait for the latest report from the United Nations.)